Category Archives: Health

Family, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Happiness

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What is happiness?

Happiness is a dog laying casual attentive by the front door, wagging where his tail would have been before it was docked, froggy doggy style (yeah look it up) barking at the squirrels, the people, the nature and the sounds of life.

Happiness is a after happy hour is over happy hour with your brother and reconnecting as best friends after years of separation, over mutual discussion and enjoyment of beer. Him wanting the beer rep glasses, the waitress being a two timing hussy and trying to take them and his sister smiling as she was told to bring them back to her brother. Naked eyes undressing all the people around the place, as calmly melting sexual energy into a glass of quite tasty beer.

Happiness is a 20 minute work out at 6.0 with a 2 incline, where you can’t really breath for 2 minute intervals, and you feel like your going to die from the pressure, but you keep panting away while talking to a friend on the phone also working out. Work-out partners by proxy.

Happiness is waking up from a drunken hangover and realizing you might not have irreparable damaged one of your best long time friendships by drunk texting in a sad lonely stupor. And still clutching your sore but not spasming calf that decided to charlie horse, at 3am when you decided to get up and pee half drunk half already hung over and falling out of the bed.

Happiness is waking up before your mother, who expected you fully to halfway blow her off but is pleasantly surprised by both you calling, and waking her up to take her to breakfast and share some of your joys with new found culinary delights, and watching the young children play carefree at the restaurant. Then heading for some much needed discussion, and chatter.

Happiness is a 2 hour yoga class that brings perspective, clarity and harmony with direction and purpose, and reminds you that always meeting your needs, provides happiness.

Happiness is blissful awareness that your needs are being met, and are planned for, provided for and while ever changing are not some distant ambiguous unattainable toll that never gets met.

Reminder to myself that I need more happiness in my life.

Reminder to myself that happiness is all around me in my life.

Family, General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Shake it up

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Song comes to mind “Shake it off” by Taylor Swift — I seem to be doing A LOT of this lately.

Even as I type this…. sometimes, I’ve found and I’m trying to learn — its best to keep the personal diatribes to yourself.

Sufficed to say, I was a bit too outgoing with my thoughts, and ended up with more work.

On the one conversation, the work might be productive, and end up resolving the issue, however its messy and annoying and will be uncomfortable throughout the process.

On the other conversation, the outcome is just annoying, and it left me more frustrated then resolved. Now not only do I have this thing I want to hash out, but I have the drama associated with having let someone else in on the information.

People, generally are annoying. I’m not saying they suck or don’t suck – they both suck and don’t suck as may or may not be applicable and appropriate at one time or another — I mean I know I suck sometimes — I did cut in line in front of that guy, and pretend that it might have actually been my turn, even though I knew it wasn’t really my turn. I did say that thing that was brash and blunt and caused the person to be annoyed, frustrated or hurt. I’m not exempting myself from the annoying and sucking or not sucking part.

Just having one of those days, that I wish I were a squirrel. Let the pup out a few minutes ago, and as I was talking him into doing his business — yes you heard me correctly, he likes to be persuaded, otherwise, he will play the game of “Oh oh I need to go now, no wait…. Oh oh , its now… no … maybe…” for the next few hours. So I was persuading him to do his business.
When a squirrel on the other side of the fence all the sudden started chirping at me.

I feel like I need to chirp at someone. Just you know, sorta let it all out – not in specific context, just let myself be freed from the annoyance, frustration, and indecision.

Open myself to the infinite possibility of being in the moment, and realizing that none of the other stuff matters. Sure it seems like OMGITHASTOBETHISWAYORELSE … but really, in reality — and I do mean True Reality. It doesn’t matter.

Yellow will still be yellow, and pink will still be pink, and the sun will still rise in the east… Infinite cosmic power, itty bitty living space.

Breathe.

So it was another day, I got to hear from a very good friend of mine today, and listen in on her dramas. Sometimes, well often in fact, its nice to do this … Just sit back and listen, and be thankful that the experiences of others are not mine. Both for the challenges and the triumphs… not mine. Mine are my own, unique, and utterly insignificant to others 😉

Human, the ultimate spec of dust.

I did have a funny epiphany on the way home – as I was suffering with a mean mean case of emotional eating craving… I think that needs an acronym going forward.. EEC, yeah I had a bad case of EEC. What a world it would be if I could turn my compass, and direct my EEC at exercise instead of eating. I’d be the most fit person in the whole world. Maybe this is what my friends – the ones I’ve dubbed “fitness nuts” are really doing – maybe there is some secret power to re-form that EEC… I remember snip-its — yes I’m getting old — of a scifi episode where the were a mutation re-writing dna and mutating people into other things… maybe I just need that thing-a-may-bobber to change my filter from food to fitness… from hungry to healthy… from weight (the belly type) to weight (the lifting type)… Flab to Fit… hrmmm amazing how many of the letters are so close together… why has this never occurred to me before?

It must be another one of those imaginary lies… you know the type … I have had many in my history… maybe emotional eating really used to be emotional exercise, but people were having heart attacks or pulling muscles, and so they decided “just eat away that pain”… hrmmm I can’t even fathom how that could have occurred, but imagination is a wonderful thing.

Will have to give this some more thought.

Books, Family, Health, Learning, Spiritual

In the moment

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Published 2 old drafts that had kept me from progressing. Listening to a book these days… very good book actually, through Audible, that basically reminded me that when you figure out something that you are supposed to be doing, and are passionate about, your the only person that keeps yourself from doing it.

So I’m doing it.

Habits and patterns are tenuous things – they sprawl around in our lives, causing all types of action and consequence.

Harnessing the good ones, and minimizing the bad ones, or overwriting them is what I’m working on now. Its sort of like clearing out the rubble before you can plant a garden.

I wonder how people do that every year without feeling the frustration I’m feeling now. How do you clear out the same space over and over again, and feel empowered by the effort instead of kicking yourself while your down.

That concept of fake it till you make it only takes you so far, I’m very good at faking it – Yeah Baby. I don’t want to fake it, doesn’t really serve me.

This book, it helped me seize the day, the moment for a brief moment in time, and I realized how far far away from it I was…. stepping into that whoosh feeling of being connected to the universe, and spirit, and creation — and I was crying. Realizing how much I’d missed that… Its a simple thing for me, to step back into that moment, I know precisely how to take myself there in a breath, a heartbeat….. but I get so distracted by the mundane, I had failed to realize how truly long it had been before I’d frolicked in that moment for a bit.

I consciously spent many hours pushing myself back into it over the course of this week, and I am feeling so much better, its hard to understand why I continue to let myself drift away from it.

The glitz and glamour of the distractions I guess…. Shiny Treasures. So so easily distracted, its a wonder I can stay focused on anything – including this post – for more than a few moments.

About to be an Aunt – for the 5th time, but somehow this time feels alot more like the first, I wasn’t so close to any of my other nieces & nephews births or wee lives, and they all live a distance from me even now. Plus being able to share in the joy of these two is … priceless. Its such a magic thing, and I am hopeful to see that sweet little angel soon.

This is an odd year, 2015. Its a culmination of a 2 year growing cycle, and as I reflect upon this I see some of the correct paths I’ve trod, and some of the less beneficial ones I’ve dabbled along. Spirit has sent me many guides and messengers to let me know that I’ma bout to embark upon the next 2 year cycle, and I’m very very curious.

We have some strange things afoot at the Casa this year – things I’ve been wishing and hoping for over the past few cycles, will likely come to fruition this year. Its a little overwhelming and frightening to be honest; its always amusing to me how I put these large goals up on a height, and then tirelessly work towards them, only to be scared to death once I actually get close to achieving them. Its like my consciousness is this naysaying ninny, that has no faith in my subconscious and ability to manifest. I_Know_I_Can_Manifest. I have done it so many countless times in my life, the only thing I lack is focus.

I’ve read many times about people learning the bow and arrow, and how you focus, you have to clear your head and be the target, same with firing a gun I’d imagine, but something about firing a gun still feels very very wrong to me. Gunpowder is not meant to kill people. That focus, that single minded intent of clearing your mind, centering your breath, stilling your body and being one with the target, in order to reach the target. That faith and believe in your own accuracy and aim and that removal of second guessing or hesitation.

Thats how you manifest.

Eye on the prize, heart centered and focused.

Time for me to pick a new target, right now, I’m floundering in a sea of possibilities, with out an oar or compass.

Had this weird thought the other day, there are a few people that are alive that I’d like to meet. I’d like to share tea or in a few cases a beer with them. I’ve had meditative conversations with all of them a few times, and I know its a possibility to cross our paths, but I hesitate to manifest it because I’m hoping the universe will provide me with some goal or purpose that will match up with this desire. Other than the sheer vanity aspect of being able to say “I had tea once with … “… I mean, I do have a vanity streak, but I’d like to believe I’m not quite that vain.

Yoga teaching keeps coming up in my meditations. I like yoga, the way it makes me feel, the empowering sense of connecting my mind with my body and breath and the centeredness of action in spirit. I very much enjoy teaching – I’ve just never really seriously considered this path as constructive for me…. Maybe its time to ponder on this one some more.

I think this is a good start for re-joining with my passion, so I’ll leave here, and go off to take P out for some much needed refreshment.

General, Health, Learning, Spiritual

Taste of life

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The taste of sunrise, the taste of morning breath, the taste of that first sip of coffee, the taste of the feeling of having overeatten, feeling miserable overly full… The Taste of relaxation, the taste of tears from overflowing rush of emotions… the Taste of sorrow, of Grief, of Joy, elation, excitement, of surprise… The tastes of life..

Books, Family, General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Mad Caucus race and other round maps

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The Caucus Race

Another good quote is: “Everytime she finds a minute thats the minute they begin it” — From Disney’s Cinderella.

Time for a brain dump, or so my guides have indicated to me. I seem to be a bit of a slacker about this, and seem to like to be overly melodramatic about “waiting” to post, when really its just pure slacker.

Reading a very interesting book about Habits – why we have them and how to shape form mold them. “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and …”
It is definitely providing some much needed food for thought about where I am and how to get to where I want to go, whilst also explaining the where I detoured and what caused those patterns.

Many things going on, not sure where to start. We took the trip to NY – and it was educational – it is not a place I would chose to return, hopefully the universe does not require this of me. It was not a horrible trip, in the sense that I accomplished what I had hoped, and found pleasure in the little things – it was however much more of a working trip then a vacation.

Speaking of working – Stress is an interesting beast. Its definitely a lower elemental form, and while it is a highly enticing title and description to utilize, best to not give this one any more power than necessary. There is really no such thing as stress for me, there are conditions I am able to accommodate with the tools I have at present, and there are conditions that are beyond my ability to handle and require me to learn rapidly new tools. This year has been greatly filled with the latter, and while it would seem like a welcome condition to request more of the former, I am evolved enough to recognize that there is a balance in both, and while I do not perceive the balance at this moment in time, it is progressing as it should.

We have a new pool – its P’s pool really, for me its somewhat a chlorinated heavily hot tub. That is not to say I am unhappy about the pool – more that its urgency and need was not my own driving force. It certainly is nice, and it will especially be nice on cold winter evenings and weekends. P has been using it extensively, which is quite nice to see – score another one for me about knowing and timing.

Right now it feels to me like I’m on one of those very very long road trips, where the journey is more than halfway over, but the brunt of the trip is still lying ahead. There are some lag times, long times of very little scenery and quite moments ore reflection, but they seem to be frequently punctured by the noise of horns, blares of sirens, and general ambient lively distractions.

I did a stupid female thing the other weekend. I was turning and missed an extra median in the road, and drove my little electric car over the curb – popping both the front and rear driver side tires. While I was quite blessed that it was only the tires that were popped, having no damage to the car itself or even the rims, it was a quiet respite, it was an unusual condition to have some what of an enigma in the sense that I had done something “dumb” that afforded me the luxury of something I had highly craved. Quiet time to contemplate.

They are doing renovations at my “Muggle Job” – to coin a phrase my dear sister has started using, and I decided I have found it endearing. My Muggle Job is doing office renovations. They managed to blow up enough dust and dirt to make nearly the entire department sick. Many of us were out for almost a week – I guess this is what comes from turning a warehouse into an office with the lowest possible margin of cost. Not to say it was cheap – heh far from it.

This would be the same Muggle Job that sees fit to give and to take from me nearly in the same breath on a repeating schedule of oddity. Promote here, Punish there – Reward here, Chastise there — I don’t get it. Sufficed to say, I’ll leave it up to the muggles to figure it out, and spend more of my time and energy focusing on the important things in life.

As I mentioned previously, the universe is driving me towards decisions about a few things, but presenting me with challenging opportunities to clearly decide things. For example, for this coming weekend, there were actually 4 available opportunities for me to allocate my time. Two of them being clearly down one path, and two being clearly down the other.

Each day, I begin to feel more and more like Alice in the wonderland of life – verses feeling like the caterpillar or the Red Queen – both of which I have felt in the past for extended periods of time.

I remember a play many many years back that I saw in Orlando – a semi small stage performance of a re-written version of Frankenstein – there was one part of the production that was particularly dramatic – the main character was huddled down, and three other performers were circling around as if the voices inside ones head, chanting loudly “Who are you, What are you, Why are you” over and over to a beat of a crescendo. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more like that huddled figure. Not so much that the questions are the same, but that sense of overwhelming space enclosure has been amping itself up. — This was a queue from my mind that it was time to blog, and I chose to ignore it until it reached a numbing point.

Life feels alot like a roller coaster, from the line through the wait, through the anticipation, the picking of the seat, the start of the engine, up the first hills, around the bends, and over the fast turns and twists, back to the station and exiting to start at the line again. Endless cycle of known possibilities repeating in a fresh perspective over and over again.

The barista at my favorite Starbucks the other day tried to explain to me how Starbucks Green Tea had more caffeine then coffee — and I laughed and tried softly to educate him to the difference – did some research, and while I realized I was indeed correct it has significantly less — less than 1/4 the amount of caffeine of an equal amount of coffee — I realized that it just didn’t matter. At the moment when we were having the discussion, in the drive thru line when he was trying vehemently to get his point across — to the point when I bothered to take the time to look up the actual numbers. Being Right doesn’t matter.

Commissioned an artist to create a Soul Mandala for me back a few months ago, and reached out to her because it seemed as if it were being delayed. She expressed that she had some difficulties, and had restarted the work twice – apparently my soul is more varied then any she had previously worked with – and while she was struggling with some personal challenges, it was assisting her and helping her to develop tools. She expressed gratitude for being able to do this work for me, and at the opportunity to meet with me and my soul. The work is still not finished. While I have no doubts that she is the real deal, in terms of having seen and experienced other of her art work – and I also understand the need of an artist to have an open window of time, the business person that my Muggle Job has cultivated — this person never existed before this particular Muggle Job – is struggling with feeling the need to be overly protective. Its an odd sensation to be balancing two sides of my personality to find a happy medium. I embrace the need of time for achievement of the highest possible good.

We have had the same cleaning lady for many years now, after a string of cleaning staff that stole from us and or did not perform a very adequate job. This lady is kind, and a hard worker and her rate is both within what we can afford, and a rate that we feel is adequately compensating her for her time. We have a cleaning lady because cleaning is not something I particularly relish – and while she doesn’t do a spot on perfect job, she does the rudimentary tasks of cleaning, allowing for the time to expand upon her works for both P & I while still affording us luxury time – the benefits of having a muggle job that can afford this luxury. This cleaning lady has a mischievous side, she likes to move things around in the house in the interest of “straightening” – and she has trained us both to clean up before she comes, for fear of having her “hide” things we might need in the immediate future. Overall her regular routine visits have kept our house presentable, tidy and trained us into some nice habits. Lately however, I’ve been having this sense of doubt. Like its time to stop having her clean the house. While I recognize part of this is from the need to take on some of the actual cleaning portion she performs – I would be much more acceptable to this, if it weren’t for the Muggle part of my mind starting to infringe on my head with all sorts of nonsense doubts about the value of the service and whether or not our house is safe.

Have been seeing alot of Dragonflies and Dameselflies lately – looked up the meaning in animal speak and its spot on – I suspect this is a new animal totem for me. It is also the reason that it became part of my tattoo from the trip to NY – the pink lotus with the blue dragonfly representing a balance to the experience and the rite of passage being achieved.

S has been quite interesting lately. It seems he has decided he would like another dog. He has decided until we get him another dog to micromanage, he will micromanage P & I both. He has exhibited more behaviors of trying to train us. While I still dearly miss both Rommel & Sasha, he is an interesting family Member to have around.

Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Torn between heavy rain and dripping showers

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Crossroads are things I’m heavily versed with in my life. I’ve encountered them often, and while I would not so much call them a welcome friend along my path, they are definitely something I have frequently in hindsight considered great opportunities.

At this time, I’m within another cross roads. This one is three dimensional. Its a little different as I can see spiritual impacts from both sides, as well as mental, emotional & physical. Typically in the past, the spiritual has not really been a cross roads.

I’m being presented a choice. Two very divergent paths are very clearly presented to me from a spiritual perspective. They have very different advantages, and disadvantages, and I’m having a challenge committing to either of them fully.

One of the paths, is green and lush, and far easier to traverse. Its much more of the known and a steady somewhat predictable progression. It does however, require he tower for me, necessary removal of many things, and this is a conflicting point of ego for me. This path demands these removals to progress, and the pace of this progression is slow but steady. its the light soft rain of the afternoon shower. It has many pleasures along the path, and while this path is not shorter necessarily then the other, it is significantly different.

One path, is rocky and filled with pitfalls. It has the most amazing views, but it requires significant leaps and shifts. It also requires much more in the moment commitment. It affords amazing experiences beyond my wildest imaginings. However, it also requires separation, and acceptance through more than lip service. It requires undivided commitment to purpose, less distractions, far far less distractions. It has just as many pleasures along the way, but it will also be filled with many trials. Much like only the rough coral surviving being brutalized by the rough waves of the ocean.

My soul is torn between the two paths. My guides are silent. Neither path is right, nor is it wrong. Both paths are equal and valid. For the time being, I can continue to walk along both path ways, but there will come a time in the future, not so distant, that I will need to make a choice. If that time were today, I’m not certain which way I would decide. Both paths have learning and growth for me.

More meditation, more alone time, more silent time to listen to my heart. Perhaps these will bring me further clarity on which path is the one I will chose.

Its been a long week. Evolution has reflected a clear shift in my head this week. I’ve found myself detached from my body several times and experiencing my existence both within and without. Living in the moment, and seemingly simultaneously seeing myself living in the moment. There is a revelation of joy in this experience.

Striving to live in balance with life force energy is humbling. I have found amusement in watching myself get irritated at such small things, like the car that cuts over in front of me and scares me for safety’s sake. I find myself angry and mentally shaking a fist at the driver; while part of me soars above myself, and laughs at how silly that feeling of angst is…. Its almost like the emotions are some how more a part of me – this is hard to explain, perhaps if I talk it out with a seemingly unrelated but intimately related thought.

I remember the last conversation I had with my grandmother. Talking to her in her bedroom. I remember exactly how I felt, because while I knew there was nothing I could do to change the situation, and that there was equally no point in being sad. I also remember feeling powerless, but at the same time blessed with such an enormous gratitude to know that I had been blessed with the time to just be there. In the moment, I was so close to her, so very happy and so very sad all at the same time. The emotions were the same. It was more than a week, close to two weeks later that she actually passed away, quite painfully. She was in a significant amount of pain while I was sitting with her, and I think that is part of the reason I was so able to box all of this torrent of emotion so succinctly. I have always been very empathic and able to feel the pain others are experiencing.*** It was not a physically comfortable situation to be with my grandmother, while at the same time, her very presence had always been the absolute most earthly place of emotional comfort available for me. Where ever she was was home, she was home, like true north. And knowing, with absolute truth, that this would be the last time I would speak with, and hug her in human flesh, while also being restricted from sharing this knowledge and experience with anyone was one of the more challenging things I’ve had to experience in my life.

Being in that moment, was being in the balance. The very same state that my spirit is striving to maintain for me now. When I feel upset or angry, my spirit demands harmonization against those, and forces me to find the humor in myself about the situation.

***Boxing emotions was a necessary coping mechanism I developed many years ago, that I am striving to unlearn now, while it served me for many years, it no longer serves me. Boxing emotions requires tremendous amounts of emotional eating to physically build somewhere to hold those emotions without destroying the vital flow of energy in the body. I need to release these physical boxes, and release the need for emotional eating.

It is an interesting and very busy time for me… many paths, many fronts — and yet the rain this week was as always a refreshing break and promise. A quote I’m loving for 2014

“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”

Books, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Ying Yang, and the grasshopper on your shoulder

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Lyrics from old disney songs popping through my head, “Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder” — when I think of Jiminy Cricket – the conscience in your head that tells you the “right” and the “wrong” things to do… what if those filters get screwed up?

The voices inside my head – and yeah I’m not talking about voices of other people, just the sides that represent my balance – the sides of possibilities, of black and white, or clear and hazy — health or glutton… Physical or sedentary – they have been in a more climatic battle lately…

Up until last year, I’d say that for the majority of my post teenage life, there has been a calm peace between these two sides, the one side has been far the more dominant, and I have been mostly content – with a few hiccups now and again – to allow some of my more hedonistic tendencies to reign supreme.

Last year things changed, and that side of my personality, Finally, took a back seat. My true personality, the personality that remembers things from my very young childhood that had been buried. The side of me that likes to jump, and skip and hop, and run and walk and laugh – and is so so much less concerned about eating, and so much more concerned about living. That side of me, took the drivers seat.

It was a thrilling experience, I finally felt like myself. Really me, and I started dropping weight, eating healthy, taking care of myself and all the things that made me happy. I felt strong. I felt empowered, I felt that other peoples drama and opinions didn’t matter as much – its not that I didn’t share empathy, and compassion its more that I was so wrapped in the warmth of my true self that they were powerless to hurt me, harm me, or suck me into them.

A few things happened that added some hiccups. Having been buried since young childhood, ague-able 9 or 10, this side of my personality did not have as much real life experiences to relate to the deceptions and manipulations of the people in my life. It was ill equipped to deal with these situations. The emotional experiences of last year also added to this a bit, and even the lost weight, as it was such a drastic change. It impacted how other people interacted with me, and it was hard not to recognize the difference.

I’ve always been easily distracted – Squirrel – shiny treasure, Blue rock – and these distractions took me off center. the two aspects of my personality started fighting for who would reign supreme.

It started like a iron chef – with both sides presenting arguments — and my negative side, or the side of my personality that has had dominance for more than 30 years of my life started to step in and fight. Maybe it had felt (I had felt) that the other side was a phase, that I’d get lazy again and welcome it back with open arms (never left) — The holidays happened, and both sides agreed to an amnesty — we would balance things. We would enjoy many things but not overindulge. Overall, I think that things were going along well — but I was lulled into complacency — and this is the tool of this negative side.

My true personality is fighting back – its trying to struggle to encourage me, to help me follow the correct path – but sometimes I catch myself after the fact and I just can’t seem to understand how or why I did something. Like I’ll pray and start the day off with full intentions of eating only healthy food, and staying true to my goals. Then I’ll find myself having eaten the piece of chocolate cake; so quickly it was hard to blink but realize it was gone – and I didnt’ really even enjoy it. But now Ive had the calories. — And while I know that guilt is ~ Also ~ a tool of this side of my personality, I am struggling to try and figure out exactly how that happened. Why did I not have strength in the moment of the decision? Where was my solid resolve at that time? Where was the decision, how did I just slip so easily into compliance? Why did I slip into compliance? This side of my personality, the facade side, it is not compliant. It is a fighter, it was a struggle last year to stay on course. It wants to be a backseat driver, constantly telling me ‘you were good enough’ — ‘you don’t have to do that today, if you don’t want to’ — ‘you could always do that later’ — ‘one little bit won’t hurt’ (Like hell it won’t, it will make me want and feel the need for another bite, and another and then I’ll have finished the whole bag and sit back and wonder why I had the first one, when I wasn’t even really hungry)

So many things in life have dichotomy. We talk of a clean planet, as we drive our gas guzzling plant killers to our corporate jobs, where they pay us to do mind numbing tasks that inevitable deplete more of the resources through the serial killer-“Business” —- Seems like such a harmless word, but please tell me about one “Business” that made a profit, that didn’t take advantage of someone else. Its not like they give away the results of their efforts, there is always some bottom line, and things have to balance — those “things” are the taking from one person, and selling to another. Sometimes taking involves money of buying, but thats just a repetition of this same process. We talk about improving education, as we numb our minds like drones in front of the latest nonsense of Tv or Internet, “enter – Tain- Ment” — Interesting the etymology of that word — Lip service to one, and action to the other, mental thought, energy towards one, attitude, resources towards the other.

Its that fine line between too cold, and too hot – and whom you ask in which circumstance makes all the difference.

The Light and Dark – day and night — everything has its opposite. They must be in balance. My thought or question is, does my life require 30 years in the opposite dominance to balance? Is this the harmony I’m seeking? — I’m not happy right now; in the midst of this Chernobyl of my mind. It feels like things must come out or I’ll explode.

Started reading a book, I’ve picked up and put down many times over the past couple of years. I have this distaste in reading books that pontificate too much. I know thats a little subjective – the idea of this book is interesting, and I don’t disagree with the writer at all, but if one more time she goes off into what should be some happy go lucky beautiful description where she says effectively “you just had to be there to appreciate it” — I’m going to find her and shove this book down her throat. — The book is about Dolphins & Whales. I completely understand the message, and I am not blind to the information, I would just like to shoot the messenger 🙂 (Okay not really, but the idea fit in line with the rest of the thought)

Have a training class tomorrow and Sunday I’m very much looking forward to — Reiki certification class. Its the first steps on a many faceted pathway. I recognize that these two days will be intense and that they are just truly the first babysteps to recapturing something I have had in many situations in my distant past. On the one hand, I’m thrilled, on the other I’m terrified. I have debated canceling this class over and over and over in my head – its not that I don’t want to attend, its that I am not certain with all this internal conflict if this is the best time. Even as I type this, I’m realizing its precisely the best time, for precisely the reason of this internal turmoil. Guess I’ll be extra happy I didn’t give into the voice saying “you can do it later”…

I wonder if I’ll realize and find that my upcoming trip is much this same thing… Here is hoping so …

General, Health, Learning, Stream of Consciousness

Failure is a step in the process

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Lessons are not always a pleasant experience. Sometimes they are painful, gut wrenching, heart burning, stress inducing situations. It is from these most unpleasant gems of existence that some of the finest more treasured diamonds manage to spark forth.

To quote the finale title of a favorite series “All good things…”

The beautiful part about that is, whether its a good or a bad — every lesson eventually comes to its close. The goal is to have learned the lesson, mastered the skill or message, and not have to experience precisely that same situation again.

Sometimes I’m hard headed, sometimes my ego decides I am above the experience, above the lesson. This is not the case, in these instances, I often must repeat the lesson, to help me gain better clarity. Usually these repeats are somewhat more nasty and more grueling then the first time.

Atleast in my life, I’ve found — if I’m able to accept gracefully the lesson I am being taught, the outcome is usually significantly more favorable and desired then if I’m dragged kicking and screaming to the outcome. The outcome remains the same, but my experience and resistances causes a loss of other opportunities.

I’ve been led to a crossroads recently – a fork in the road is not exactly appropriate, more the expression would be the Tower from the tarot — “The necessary removal of something” – its time for me to change jobs. I have been “wanting” this crossroads for a significant amount of time, but it wasn’t until just recently that the stars have aligned in a somewhat manner of speaking to show me a pathway towards this new experience.

Much like many new experiences, I’m nervous. Not so much afraid, I have plenty of support in this decision, and it will not be a fast process, it will likely be a up and down emotional process for the whole interview, application, screening, waiting process — but its time. There is no uncrossing this bridge now that I’ve reached it.

Was talking to a friend, and former colleague about this today over lunch. How choosing to remain would be detrimental to my health, it is more taxing on me each day I remain. I count it as a blessing that the time to transition has arrived, I hope that it works out with haste and grace.

This transition should remove me from an environment that has become stagnant for an area of my life I had not realized required transition. I’m glad that this realization has come to me, and that I will be able to journey down this new path. It will be a difficult road to traverse, but I have confidence that I will persevere.

General, Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Wild Ones…

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And other things from Florida — or rather Flo Rida – who knows– maybe its all the same thing.

My brain has decided, when I go too long without taking a moment to download back up to this blog, it will start to suddenly give me memory crashing errors. Twice today — You know those moments when you suddenly completely, in the midst of expressing something specific completely lose the thought, the whole ball park of where you were going, and what was intended….. or when your walking somewhere to do something – ask something specific — and you get halfway there and can’t recall why, who, what, where or when you were going… at all – no trace, no bread crumbs.

Here’s to bread crumbs! Not only do the make amazing meatloaf, but they also do pretty well for so many other things in a pinch.

Riding tonight, there was a sexy guy on a bike; you know the type, tight jeans, black bike, cowboy boots, quite quite fit, with a black billowing t-shirt with angel wings in silver on the back. Including the sword. When you think about whether or not angels are among us, stop asking if, and start considering that maybe they aren’t exactly where you expect or what you expect to see.

It made me laugh no doubt about it.

Books: reading one, I think I actually read it a few years back, however my mind decided it was time to pick it up again and start it over again. “Many Lives, Many Masters” by Brian Weiss — great book, many thoughts about this one….

So I’m taking a reiki certification class in two weeks, and my mind is still running though the lessons I need to refresh before this class, trying to clear and cut and go in with a fresh perspective. I do think its an interesting phenomena that once you start down a path the coding in Google sort of starts sending you all sorts more of that particular path, its sort of like “Hey you liked that one link, how about these other 50billion?” …. Really? I already decided that I was going to do this … no need to inundate me and make me question my decision. Where are the links for synergies instead?

Tried an interesting — ODD — yet interesting restaurant today. Inchin’s Bamboo Garden — They had a buffet for lunch, which was priced reasonable, the service was quite good – it was just sort of an enigma. It was Asian style Indian food. Sort of a fusion of Indian and Chinese, with more of a significant lean towards Chinese. Quite tasty selections, just quite odd.

Got an invitation for a crystal class this weekend at Natures Treasures, and am sort of torn about whether or not to take the time to attend. Lots going on right now both with home, work and spirit. More information while always nice, is threatening to exceed overload.

Dunno, have been sort of having difficulty lately with priorities. There are so many things to do, that it just seems like I want to sit back and watch for a while, and laugh and smile more. Its not so much a lack or undesire for motivation, its more that the laughing and smiling just seems higher priority then focus and resolve.

So many happy things going on all over the place, so many changes so many interesting evolutions in life going on.

Had a conversation about missing someone the other day — with the husband about his mother. I indicated that I missed her, but not as much I miss my dog. I qualified it to express that it wasn’t that I didn’t miss her, I do a good deal, but I miss the comforting presence of my pooch more. This caused him to consider and he indicated he missed her more than his pooch. It was just one of those somehow comforting conversations where discussing together brought more peace about the missing. Kind of like one of those misery loves company sort of things, but more of a positive type, where there was comfort in knowing that it was a shared experience.

Have a trip planned for August to NY – and I’m nervous. Its not in my top 10 list of places, while its probably in the top 100 — I don’t actually have a top 100 list yet, maybe thats a project for another day…. Its probably on the list. Still Nervous. We are not renting a car, and its crowded with many many many people. Not a huge fan of dark cavern like things of subways, and not a high love of mass transit or taxi’s. Guess I’m in for a culture shock in my own country! Coupled with the fact that its not likely I manage to get to do the few couple of things I’d actually like to do in NY – hook up with a friend from the Ridge last year — see the Statue of Liberty — Go to the Met — Go to Gordon Ramsey’s restaurant…. Since its unlikely I’ll get to do most of those things, I’m equally not excited. There is a conference there, which is the reason for going. I’m just a tag along, so its not especially costly for me to tag along, and it is a trip.

Tomorrow we head over to some of our family people’s house for dinner, very looking forward to the catch up time. We have been trying to get onto a routine the past few years, somewhat sporadically successfully — spotty at best, but time passes one way or the other, and we have such great family. So much to learn from each other.

Enough for now, my brain feels like its empty – maybe next time I’ll listen and blog before it decides to pull a Cntrl+Alt+Delete on me…. Lesson learned, I got the message, kkthx.