This has been spinning around in my thoughts, prayers and meditations alot of late. There is a new niece to consider and I think defining this is appropriate.

After spending a few minutes of web searching, the web is lacking a good definition of “what” a dedication to god actually “is” – so I figure its about time it had one.

First and foremost what it is NOT. A dedication to god is not about religion. Every religion has its own gods, own believes, and its own pantheon of hierarchy that is limiting. While a dedication to god IS limiting, its not in this sense. It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with spirituality.

There is a huge difference between religion and spirituality, that is a digression from this post, but also important for clarification. Google provided a resourceful and helpful link that “seems” on first and second pass as being in line generally with my feelings on this issue, so link is here: https://www.ideas.org.au/uploads/resources/550/What%20Is%20Spirituality.pdf

Generally religion is the organization of people thru shared and common believes, rules and requirements/obligations. Spirituality is the individual understanding and relationship with god the universe and everything after – (props to Douglas Adams and his very spiritual universe)

Its worth mentioning for two factors, I feel qualified to write and discuss this topic as an individual that was dedicated to god as a babe, and one that has felt its influence throughout my life, and have discussed this with fellow individuals dedicated to god. And second, its been a guiding subtle influence thru the entirety of my life.

There is a spiritual profoundness in the sense of the universe, where a soul comes to learn and experience. However one feels this occurs, is manifest, or the path that is followed, there is a pattern and a sense to it. A logic.

Breaking down this definition into two parts “dedication” and “god” might help a little.

Dedication first. According to several sources, and google in particular a dedication is a commitment to a task or a purpose. Like when a “church” or “building” is dedicated, blessed, sanctified, or otherwise celebrated. A sense of “what” what go on…. how it will be perceived, and the path it will lead are somewhat “given” in this moment. When a dedication is planned, its with intent of “stating” to all who are there, and who attend both physically, mentally, emotionally and otherwise that there is a identified reason for existence of this thing, and that it is known and agreed upon by all present.

God is a little trickier. It touches into alot of belief systems. Maybe god is as the christians believe, or maybe as the hindus believe, or maybe as the atheists believe….. For me, god is the infiniteness of the universe. … Both defying the need and desire for quantification – always growing, always exceeding limits, and manifesting in unique and perceivable ways.

I feel the very essence of god is the fact that there is an inability to limit the definition of god by putting boundaries or limits on what its possible to be – that all religious definition are both right, possible and also simultaneously incorrect in the fact that they limit the definition to one set of values….. I also feel that god is the very fact that these very perceptions are in harmony and balance – not disunity. Its like making a PB&J – the bread (carb) maybe different, the butter (fat) maybe different, the sweet (jam) maybe different but generally its all the same and what “works” for you is likely very different from what “works” for me – but we are both still in pleasure with our pb&j.

So a dedication to god is sorta like a commitment to living the best life, the joy of life, the harmony of life – the life the soul decided to be born into at this moment in time.

Its sort of a humbling sense of leading one back to the happy path of life when the curves come nonstop, and letting the universe provide clear safe routes to enjoy the experiences one was hoping to experience at the time of being conceived and joining into that body.

It comes with its own set of protections in the form of guardians to guide, and advise. This does not prevent one from choosing to do other things more makes the beacon of life more defined like the lighthouses on the horizon of the old seas. Sure the seas are still amazing, wonderful and treacherous – but the lighthouse helps one avoid the rocks along the shore to make it back safety to whatever port one was aiming towards.

It provides a harmony within to allow one to know there is a reason and a purpose, and that you are more than a lemming in this grand thing called life, but rather an important contributor and experience maker for others as well as controller of your own.

My own experience has led me to meet amazing people. To have amazing experiences. To avoid many traumas, to safely navigate very treacherous waters, and come out poised for the next experience. Semi-charmed sort of life.

The wind chimes – really nice set I got after seeing them a few years back at a Ren faire – they are huge, and the sounds are just incredible, plus I really love the name of the creator Fire Fly Studios – were blowing this morning.

As I have like six different sets of chimes on my back porch, when the wind blows, the sound is quite a cacophony of music. Its as if the wind were creating a special melody just for me – an audience of one.

There are many things in my life that I have that bring me great joy or satisfaction. I’ve learned that the more you surround yourself with these types of treasures, the greater your pleasure as you move thru your day.

We went to bed early, and somehow this set an alarm with my head that it was time to rise earlier. Although, pleasantly not as early as last week.

This is a week of rest – a couple of treasured days free of appointments, where time can come and go at a leisurely pace. Throughout my life, these types of days have been a struggle, but I’m learning to find not just the joy but the bliss in them.

So many days right now are filled, with running or errands, or chores or just things in general – many of which are not overly the most pleasant. Days of rest are fairly infrequent, and they are a treasure.

The sun will be up soon, and I’ll get to relish in the beauty of an amazing sunrise – the weather wizards from their powerful resources, have predicted another week of ultra cold for us next week – but this week, the weather is so amazing – its cool but warm and just light.

Its as if nature took a deep breath and is relaxing and sighing to let it out slowly.

Its an amazing thing how the small easy to overlook things become so easy to relish in the moments like this of relaxing. A warm cup of coffee, a strong breeze blowing the chimes, and a sun peeking thru the horizon.

Happy days of bliss.

I would generally consider myself to be a pacifist – meaning, I would be one of those people that would say, there are not alot of times when it is right to fight for something. That being said, its a very different perspective fighting to the right to be alive.

I feel, that I’m right in saying this is an appropriate time to fight – but then who am I to say. I suppose there are times when its right to fight – like in defense of those incapable of defending themselves. Or rather, fighting for the right to live for those whose right is being infringed. I also feel its appropriate for me to be fighting for life.

That being said, I’ve pretty well decided no matter what the MRI says, its nothing more than a guideline for whats working and what may need tweaking. There are alot of things going on in my body – yet STILL I am capable of having very good days. I am capable of resting and enjoying the moments of peace in between the raging going on.

This is a battle I intend to win. Its one I feel is worth the effort and the outcomes. There are precious few things right now that rise above this battle. P and I had an interesting conversation on the way to his scheduled vaccine appt. He managed to get into one of the sites doing the vaccines, and we were on the way. He was nervous about the appointment – which I told him my intuition said it was going to be super fine. I felt strongly it was not only okay but super good for him to be doing this.

He has been super scared of this virus. He has read so many of the horror stories, in the news, he and D both have….. The conversation today, was over the fact that in his mind – and I’m certain it has crossed my sisters mind as well – that this is a mortality battle. One minor slip and you have the potential to die. Our discussion today was that my perspective is so very different.

This virus maybe scary, but its like “meh” to me – mostly because what I’m dealing with – and have been for nearly six years now, is also scary and this virus sorta … well its not nearly as uncertain – we talked about the fact that I feel less scared of the virus because there are so many elements within my control…. and because its so widely spread there are alot of brilliant minds working on this problem. This is not at all to minimize the brilliant minds working on the big C – its more that something that has the power to impact everyone is a little more frightening to everyone than the things that have the power to impact a percentage only.

Personally the big C is a tad more scary to me, because so much of it feels ambiguous. I know that there are many elements of it being my body fighting against itself – against my patterns, behaviors triggers – however there is a genetic element to it – that tells me there is the fact that nature is also aware, and has encouraged development of this thing to help reduce the excess population – so I’m fighting against natural selection.

Somehow, being able to identify these things, makes me feel more empowered – sorta like “know thyself” “know thy adversary” – it makes me think some on the art of war that I have tried to re-read may many times. It is written in a language of allegory that appeals to my sense of rightness.

Talked today to my psychologist – thru the course of “things” there was a firedrill of sorts over the past week where my insurance decided to support the idea of a monopoly – which changed thru the course – but I basically accepted the firedrill, boxed into a mental box of “we will deal with this later” … and moved along. This was a great tactic, because it solved itself for the time being and insurance added a “new and improved” deadline to their idea of right. So a battle for another day – or technically another month.

We talked about the “things” that have bothered me over the past two weeks since we met last, and most of them have been physical which she can’t offer alot of suggestion for, but is sorta concrete reflection for me of the fact that I’m ready to reduce my sessions with her from once a week to twice a month. There will be times when there will need to be pick up sessions, but for the most part, I’ve developed tools for looking at things more appropriate as “this is not mine to deal with” …. This is a powerful lesson I just never learned growing up.

I’ve always felt like the weight of the world has been laid on my shoulders, and its my job to fix everyone around me. Part of my healing is recognizing this is not only not true, but its a very unhealthy place to be as well as self destructive. Its alot more peaceful to recognize my responsibility is taking care of myself, and I’m only responsible for this – everyone else will either fix themselves or stay unresolved, and I need to not only embrace this but to accept that its the best way for things to be.

I am blessed to have this time to reflect on things. P was realizing its been very nearly a year of him being home – and it has been a true blessing for both of us – as we have developed tools for a better happier home.

I am blessed to have people in my life that care about me, that care about each other and are able to just share and breath together.

I am blessed to have this battle to fight – to be able to fight for myself.

Good days, its where its at.