That Scale

C D E F G A B C – it was a scale I first learned in Piano lessons – it became more of a “scale” with voice lessons…. and a different sort of Scale with weight – and cooking… but its still a scale all the way around.

There is value in a scale – it shows me a range. The data person in me LOVES LOVES Scales. Its like graphs and charts – they somehow make a small part of me happy – even if they aren’t valid, or contain erroneous information – then data person goes “Aha, watson we solved it”

Right now I use alot of scales to remind myself how well I’m doing, when my emotions and psychology want to nay say. …. Its like the war of the roses inside my head often, and scales remind me where I am verses where I could be….. Today P reminded me, I’m blessed because I’m not recovering in the hospital. I honestly don’t remember much about my other surgeries…. they happened, things were good, things were bad, they are over, chapter done, moved on. This time, I got to go home super fast, and so I’ve had this unreasonable expectation with myself — go figure like THAT has never happened before…. that I should be able to mountain climb again now already. “Yeah surgery was tuesday, its friday — that means mountains today right?” …

P’s gentle reminder that “welp atleast you are not at the hospital” — it gave me pause and a realization that, YES YES YES – I AM NOT AT THE HOSPITAL!! — this was an overwhelming blessing. It also gave alot of perspective to my “scale” for this experience, because with the other surgeries, if I were home yet – and atleast a couple of the hospital times, I know I wouldn’t have been yet – I would NOT be as well as I am.

So on a scale from past experiences, I’m actually doing amazingly well, even though its so easy to close off the lense and only see the bad parts.

Scales let you realize where the frame is…. so that you can shift your entire perspective and realize that they are “just one scale” of many many available.

I just have to keep reminding myself that the better where I am is not as good as it will get again soon. Keep being strong, and my body will follow.

A friend posted that her child made the comment to ask her about why this world is so messed up right now. It made me cry – both because of the expression out of the mouths of babes, but also because he asked, because he has ultimate faith his mother will be able to provide him with some reasonable assurance, some explanation for his answer, even if its not definitive. — I’ve been praying for this same why often lately, and I have gotten an answer from my source of ultimate reliability – its just, I’m certain like the answer that young man got – not the one I was hoping or wanting to get.

Growth takes agitation, aggravation and sometimes painful moments to help us learn develop and rise above.

I’m struck by the joyful and happy things going on in my life – baby number 2 of three arrived safely and soundly this year – beautiful girl number 2 – looking forward to the trifecta that will be soon – probably less than a month if I’ve heard correct – (much to the satisfaction/comfort of her mother) — So excited to meet this new niece. I have some incredible nieces in my life – but this one will be my baby brothers, and there is something just closer to me about it.

I have always been biased about what I love. I feel this is one of my failings that the good lord took into account when he rescued me from being a mother. While part of me wonders about this, part of me is happy because I know it’s bad to be bias as a parent.

It’s not so much about the social bias of things, or even the emotional one – and while I feel that it is very possible for me to rise above these things, part of me enjoys the discernment that comes from not.

Some things are better than others. Pizza is much better than liver.

Some people are better than others. Mother Teresa is better than Abraham Lincoln.

There are arguments for the opposite side, and its not about which one is good – they are both good for you in different perspective, but if I were in need of one, it would be a clear choice which I’d rather have…. I like being able to have favorites. I’m not saying its a good thing about me, or even a particularly smart personality trait, but its one that I have, and one that — well I’m not proud of it, but I do take full responsiblity for it, and….

I wonder if the data part of me came as a means for defending this right to have favorites? Like maybe as a means of quantifying my “like” of one thing more than an other.

I remember my friend – the mother referenced above and I having a discussion about this at one point – because one of her children was my favorite – and this didn’t set well with her…. Being an incredible mother, with an equitable, and rational sense or “right” and fairness…. She asked me to explain this, because she wanted to understand, and she had hopes of explaining to me the error of my ways.

She was right. She was not right. I have favorites. I just don’t’ let my favorites control all of my choices – and I maintain a strong sense and willingness to maintain equitobility in the vision of my bias.

Back to scales – there is a small funny thing – when I go to the place for my chemo – they have 3 scales – two of which they try and use everytime I visit – one of these two. One of these two is the “good scale” one of them is the “bad scale” …. Bad scale because it is 8lbs off from my scale at home – consistently – the “good” scale is 2lbs off from my scale at home.

Through my vocalization, I have trained the nurses at this place to only use the good scale. They laugh and they call it that with me – and I can predict my weight based upon its consistency – we have even “proved” my point of the good vs bad by weighting multiple visits on both scales.

When at the hospital, I commented to the nurse as she made me step on the scale about asking if this was a good or a bad scale – and she laughed; she commented was there such a thing as a good one? and I explained what made one good and one bad. – This scale was bad. She laughed, and she said, it was the same delta she had noticed with this particular scale…. so go figure, good scales, bad scales…..

It’s all scales – The scales of justice weigh each of us – Lets hope they are good scales 🙂 I’d hate to have them weigh on the bad side off by a delta of 8.

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