Sometimes the hardest feelings are the ones you have to realize while they seem like they might not be great are actually blessings in disguise.

I have had – always my whole life – difficulties putting myself first. I learned at a very young age the adage of the peacemaker. To put other people needs/wants/desires before my own in the interest of generating a more peaceful realm to which I would exist.

This has been a tool with value my whole life. It is however, a tool I’m learning stronger, better options for now. Most times, it is not only “not bad” to put myself first, but it is incredible more valuable.

There can be no peace for ME in my realm if I am not taking care to make sure it exists. If I am not cared for first, there is significantly less value in anything else.

While its easy to speak these words, not holding them against myself is alot harder. What I mean by this is “finding a reason to find fault in my logic”

I’m very very good at poking holes in things, rather than recognizing that sometimes, they are easy to make it easier for me to use them to climb the mountain.

The mountain top will be a much easier place to spread the peaceful realm then in the climb. And its more important to make sure I am taking care of myself to ensure I get to the summit.

The specific is that I am going to take a pause in this chemo on Monday when its time for my re-assessment. I would love to be able to consult with my doctor first, to respect her wide depth of knowledge. I have logged into this protocol and this should pose little problem to anyone but me, and even to that end very little challenge or problem if any. These medicines are not likely to become resistant with a few extra day delay or abscencia. The rescans are going to be with contrast, and coupled with the fact of potential side effects with these meds, is the fact of “no food or drink” before the scans, which are required for the medicine.

So the difficulty I’m having is that I am worried about this doctor being offended that I am making this decision for ME without consulting her, when she is my partner in healing. I know with all of my being this is the correct decision, but the peacemaker is looking for trouble and sees the potential for offense at adding a member to my team with extensive knowledge then not consulting that member before decisions are implemented.

Honestly if I had a direct way to reach out to the dr and say “hey I’m doing this, you okay?” without it having to play telephone tag with staff at the office where she is stationed like 3-4 times, and maybe eventually getting my message to the dr, I’d reach out. But the amount of stress involved with “advising her” before decision is implemented is … well its no where near the balance of deciding the best thing for me — so I am deciding the best thing and planning to let the chips fall – but there is a part of me that is very unhappy with ME about this decision.

Doing what’s best for me should NEVER be this much internal conflict. Ultimately its me that is responsible for me.

Silly me, for struggling to find peace with putting me first.

Life is good, and I should be looking forward to more days with less chemo lol instead of worrying about hurting my dr feelings.