Had this thought this morning, about the pretenders song “I would walk 500 miles” and I was wondering, for someone I love how far would I walk? I mean 500 miles is roughly 10 miles a week – or over a mile a day.

Really, its not that far – it just seems far when you put it into calculation as the whole – thats a year of daily walking. The song is about him walking to show his love.

I’ve been learning over the past few years to better love myself – so would I walk 500 miles for me? To prove to myself that I’m worth it?

I mean I did walk the neighborhood until last years episodes – and seeing so many of the people outside not covered or protected and not really feeling safe out there. So I guess walking 500 miles for me is pretty good.

Getting or working on getting that activation energy, and I will say that walking – while its kinda counter intuitive, because it makes me so so tired in the moment – DOES grant that activation energy – its like my body surrenders and then it gets rewarded. Its kinda a cool thing and feeling after all, when its reflected in hindsight – that doesn’t make me excited about doing it however.

I remember how important I knew intuitively it was, to start walking as soon as I possible could in the hospital – and out – how it was critical to get my body in motion and to push to the limits of what I could absolutely do reasonable – I mean I wasn’t trying to do marathons, just do a couple laps around buildings where we were, or push up around the block.

Babysteps, but steps.

I had P get me an apple watch to help me monitor my steps – and I honestly think I fell off track when the thing started bruising my wrist. I had a blood clot form in the left wrist area because of the watch. This was kinda … well I feel this kinda derailed me alot. The watch is also not good at tracking movement if your not super aggressive with your movement. Like if your arms aren’t aggressively swinging it doesn’t recognize a “walk” until about 20 minutes into it when it suddenly says “Oh your walking? Should we track this?” — for a less than robustly physical fit person, this is horrible demoralizing. I mean its like when the friend comes to ask about helping you but your already done, and the help would have been GREAT but you found ways of making it happen even without it.

I suppose thats a good analogy -maybe it shouldn’t be demoralizing, because the walk still got done, even if it didn’t get tracked. It just is, because this is not a friend, but a tool that isn’t working as intended.

P and I have had alot of talks recently about how tech is NOT what its supposed to be….. It often causes alot of frustration in “trying to make it work as intended” for all the carefree moments it provides “sometimes” — its like “fast food” …. not really being fast when you consider transport time to and from and the health implications of eating it. But I digress.

I had this thought of trying to buckle down and set a target for hitting with the scale between now and my birthday – but its super aggressive, and I’m not certain I’m up for the pains/struggles of working towards a super aggressive target so diligently – maybe we do baby steps on this one too. Any progress is forward. I mean I guess I go forward regardless of the progress.

Doc yesterday was so so good – I’m very glad to have added her to my team – she had some research insights that she added to the “pot” of my healing that were great. Its very reenergizing towards the healing when the doctor is just as excited to her/see/progress it as you are….. Don’t misinterpret – the other doctors that have been part of my team were not negative, more just not individually motivated to help me get the job done. …. there is a difference between stepping out of my way and allowing me to heal – and helping lifting me up when I’m struggling and reminding me of the direction of up…… Yes sometimes, down feels like up and its easy to get confused when your in the middle – life doesn’t have the best markers for N, S, E, W – every direction is the same – those are individual and placed there to show you the direction YOU want to go.

Had some sad things this week – some things able to be interpreted as Sad easily/societally – but I can embrace and recognize them for the circle of what they are – so while they are sad to embrace and hold, they are showing the good things that come from out of the mire of progression.

There will be chai today – and I’m super excited, because I finished up the last one just a couple days ago, and my body has been craving having some fresh – not to mention the house loves the smell. Yeah team!

I am so so thankful for all of the team that supports me, and ensures that I’m doing okay that I have what I need, and reminds me of so many of the blessings in my life.

Life is good.