So I’ve always had this thing where I change the lyrics to what my mind feels it hears….. this is no exception in this day and age…. however there is a thing about me getting to understand some things with a little more clarity. This is both terrible amusing – as I’m very very capable of laughing at myself – and a little sad.

For example, the song “Just gimme the light” by Sean Paul – is clearly about striking up a bowl – he says so in the lyrics right after the chant of “just gimme the light” … somehow my incredible imaginative mind heard – and has for years heard other things….. “Just gimme the light” vs the dark I’m experiencing now…

There is something to be said, for the fact that lighting up the bowl with the light WOULD potentially in fact “give him the light” – but its not the same as my mind originally thought. Song dynamic changes completely when you put it in this frame.

Framing is something I’ve been learning/working with – Thanks Dr A and P — for helping me frame – unfortunately this doesn’t always turn out positive —- sometimes I lose my friends in the process — Curse you Pancakes for being cakes made in a pan!! But I will have my revenge – found a really good recipe (thanks Sonya) for oatmeal pancakes that looks healthy enough for me to enjoy 🙂 Plus its allowed me to rethink my passion for deserts, and really contemplate who are in the top 5 — still not quite ironed down, but I DO feel that T’s pumpkin empanadas are up there — pretty certain about that — man they were amazing.

Small section on health things…. Had chemo last week, its still making me tired, but also potentially the systemic staph infection they finally found — I’ve been asking them about “things” for 3 months — finally a culture “found it” and we are on good antibiotics (I think? I trust? ) from the culture that will knock it out. GO team! Still pretty tired, but maybe it wasn’t just the chemo making me tired? So maybe things will be more sunshine and rainbows again soon!

Speaking of Sunshine … we went for another one of our ‘drives” yesterday – this time to the west – its amazing how we can drive like twenty minutes out of Round Rock and be in “wide open spaces” – this particular drive was VERY VERY reminiscent of california. So much so it was amusing that the temperature dropped 7 degrees along the drive. … We tend to do windows when its open spaces and the speed limit is 50 or above – I just love the wind… Love Love Love the wind. It helps me channel my internal Pocahontas

I’m learning how to put on my own oxygen before trying to help others. This is a lesson I should have mastered years ago, but I have struggled. My mind thinks of all the people I care about, and it wants to help them. Not thinking about “hey we are here, we need that energy you are dispersing to survive” — so I’m working on learning/mastering this – its hard, truth be told, its a little harder than it should be — makes me wonder how much ego I get out of “helping” others- recognizing that my motivation for helping others may not always be as pure as I thought — more as a way of “avoiding” helping myself – is a ponderance I’ve been having.

Self care is important, how much is enough? Well I keep waiting for my body to tell me “we don’t really need this” and apparently I haven’t hit that point.

Still having the rollercoaster of suddenly being sad, over silly – well okay its big deep sadness I’m having, so its not really silly its just somewhat silly to me in hindsight when I am feeling normal that I haven’t dealt with some of these things until now – over the things that are like “why are you crying over spilt milk” — most recent one — P got me bagels – because for what ever reason I was having a serious craving for them – got me Cinnamon Raisin (my favorite) and I portioned and froze all but 2 of them – because I know I love bagels but I also know I don’t need to eat the whole package when this is a “sometime treat” — Good job cookie monster lol – C is still and will always be for cookies. —

I digress – So I was enjoying my “bagel sandwich” P had fried me up a couple eggs, and as I was enjoying it — I suddenly had this intensive hard flash in my mind to sitting in my grandmothers dining room eating my bagel sandwich talking to my grandmother – she used to stock bagels specifically for me. She has passed many moons ago, and while I spent time with her before she passed – quality time that I treasure – I have never really allowed myself to mourn her passing. Suddenly I was enjoying this delicious sandwich – and balling my eyes out. Love you grandmother, thank you for the gifts, treasures, blessings, and above all hopeful optimism you bestowed upon me. The tears lasted probably alot longer than mayhaps they should have? – I know she would have said they did, which kinda brought a smile to my face, but trying to put poor P in my head to explain why I was smiling and balling all at the same time with big fluffy tears draining down my face – it was a happy memory – most of mine of her are – …. was challenging.

He has been incredible supportive of all these emotional releases, but they are definitely a challenge because I go from one second elatedly happy to just balling. IDK if this is just release, chemical things, or menopausal things – what I can say, is after the tears finish and the emotion is satisfied. I feel alot better. I feel like a weight is lifted from my heart, and I’m more free to focus on stronger things.

Here is to growing up, growing old, enjoying life for all the blessings and joy it has in abundance, and most especially for getting stronger and happier. Thank you universe for surrounding me with love and light, please keep sending it out to all the people that I touch, that are in my sphere. This is a challenging time, and we can all use more happiness.