There are two songs that come into my mind as I contemplate this post – “Rockytop” and “Going the distance” – while very very different messages, songs and meanings – they have a similar feeling to me of work it Alethia get to the top.
There is a mountain that I’m struggling to vista. Its an arguable a “silly” mountain – I call it silly because I have, in my short/long/complex life met MANY people, encountered and formed lasting relationships with many people that not only do NOT struggle with this, but have amazing tools for this mountain.
The mountain of my challenge is a mountain of “enough” – Right now, I’m healing, focusing on allowing my body, mind, heart, the much needed time to heal and regenerate. It has been thru a washboard of a ringer, and its on the downlow. Its here, alive, and in a sense thriving – however, it feels “not enough” to me — This is not a judgement I would EVER make to someone else. In fact, its been something I have many many times helped reframe for other people – why is it — the phrase “physician heal thyself” comes to mind — why is it that I struggle so much with this…..
At the end of the day yesterday, P and I were doing our wind down things, and I told him with the self frustration I tend to experience, that I just didnt’ feel – I just don’t feel like I am doing enough. And even as I said this, he laughed and said I was doing more than enough. He named off the check marks in his mind that represented enough.
I know I am doing “things” and that these things are “great” and super valuable for my life and household. I also know I am doing at my limits – often pushing just past to the point that I am super exhausting myself. I know that I have to be careful with this, and I am walking that fine line — another good song “Tightrope”
I’m just struggling with this, of — its not that I’m not telling my internal voice “we did good, its enough” — its more that there is a part of me that just doesn’t believe its enough – the Angelica Houston line in that movie Everafter “No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse.” — there is a voice inside my head that oddly sounds a little like her from that movie 🙂 — that tells me a similar thing – “no matter how much you have done, there is always more you could do”
Oddly – I don’t think its a pessimistic side of me, or a side that is failing to see the positive of what I’m doing – its more a challenge. It feels like its pushing me to be better, stronger, work harder, take on more….. and in a normal condition — hell what is normal anymore – in a formerly normal condition – its the side of me that would get me inspired to “push it” — but right now, that barbie doll voice just needs her head popped off and to STFU …. I’m good just like I am, and while it may not seem like alot – its all a personal victory to me — and in P’s words — as much as they are NOT super inspiring to me — You’re Alive.
Its not that I don’t agree that being alive is good – its more that, there is more than “just being alive” – I have no interest in “just being alive” – I want life. I want to experience all the pleasures, joys and triumphs of life – I want to feel the wind, hear the rain, see the water drops – not just know its raining. But I suppose, since I feel that was my biggest triumph of yesterday – getting to enjoy my favorite time – the musty smell JUST before the rain — that it was enough.
Just gotta remind myself that “enough” is not a stagnant thing, its a dynamic thing and just because it was former more and that its littler now — sometimes a smaller portion is a better portion – and I should carpe diem and “enough” will continue to evolve as I do.
Stay Safe, Stay Healthy, above all Stay Happy.