Went to the chiro today for my cracking – it helps – and heard – well overheard and yes its hard to “not over hear” at this place the conversation, so in this case :-), I wasn’t exactly “snooping” – the guy was talking to my dr about the fact that one of his neighbors had a kids party this weekend – and had like 300 kids – and it turns out “some of the kids” had COV19 – so now they all do potentially. It just makes me …. well honestly I just don’t know how to react about this anymore.

The angel and devil on my shoulder are somewhat in an emotional state of doing a role reversal. While part of me knows that for “physical” health – isolation is one of the safer options — there are alot of discussion points about whether or not its the “best” but thats a different discussion. For emotional & psychological health – this type of super long isolations is not only hard, its not necessarily the “way” for the majority of people.

There is also a point and many studies that prove that emotional or psychological health can impact physical health – or rather – feeling down can actually make you sick – so its a question of… do you do the best “physical course of action” at the detriment of the other, and “hope” that your body/mind/heart don’t make you sick? – and that this “sick” isn’t confused with cov? –

In my case, I go to dr office 3-4 times a week – and EVERY time, I’m asked to confirm I haven’t had ANY symptoms that “could” be cov – the list of symptoms keeps getting longer — and most of them are the same things that allergies feel like and cause, or that the cancer could be causing — interesting to note – so am I supposed to tell the complete truth – Yeah I had a headache – when the pressure was high – and risk not being able to see my dr and get medicine? Or do I just keep saying “No I don’t have cov symptoms” – which sorta seems well – the OCD data analyst in me is shouting in my head “BLASPHEMER” – EVERY time I say “No I haven’t had any of these symptoms” – I mean – sure give me chemo – which is likely to cause ALL of these things, and then ask me “have you had any of these things?” – so so ethically confusing.

I had an especially great weekend. D came as a guest and crashed at our home. It was amazing, she and I have such great conversation points. She broadens my mind. She makes me think, in a non confrontational way. I often don’t agree with her, but the value in the conversation is beyond price. We had planned to do an Indiana Jones marathon – P mentioned “oh are you going to watch all 4 or just the good ones” — I was confused, I didn’t realize there were 2 good 2 bad of these movies….until we started the marathon – we only got thru the first two movies, and saved the last two for another time.

She explained some of the views of things – as I try and avoid the news right now – it just makes me sad, it doesn’t typically educate me, and it always takes up heart space I need for healing. D is one of the few people able to synthesize concepts, and events in a way that allows me to take them in and ponder them without impacting my self healing work. Time with her is just more than helpful its vital. When I was in HS, and College I used to carry a dictionary with me – mostly because I was a terrible TERRIBLE (still am) speller, and also because I have a tendency to romanticize words and use them incorrectly — D for me is much like this dictionary – and its fairly often that we end up going to wiki or google to clarify things during our talks.

Its crazy, but also an incredible interesting time we are living in…. with so much potential and energy for raw social change. Change that will impact so many millions of lives. Its also a time when we will be having potentially the opportunity to voice our opinions about who we trust to lead us and direct the course of this nation during these times. That is, if they figure out a way to allow us to be registered and allow us to “vote” during social distancing – or maybe they will just “take over” and take the options out of our hands. I don’t know how or what will happen, but it is definitely an interesting time to be alive.

Had a dream the other day, about taking a driving trip to see some of my loved ones – and “persuading” one of my nephews to do the driving – since I’m not able atm, and since they were able to take the 2 weeks it would take for the trip I had in the dream to accomplish. I don’t know that this is likely to occur – there are still alot of logistic things that are obstacles – and I’m not even certain that either of my nephews have licenses – a thought which to me just is almost as shocking as some of the many other things – too bad my niece is too young 🙂 she just got hers in the past month 🙂

I am grateful for the people in my life, and for all the blessings available to me, and for the fact that I have freedom enough to blog like this stream of consciousness – and for trees. There is never enough thanks for trees, but they are providing the most beautiful landscape right now with flowers and birds and just foliage which is breathtaking. Thank you Trees. I go for a chemo treatment this week, and while I’m nervous and apprehensive, I feel this stuff is working – even if it makes me feel like a zombie for a couple weeks after – I get out of that feeling eventually, and get back to feeling empowered and able to keep fighting and winning. Lets hope it happens quicker this time and on to new scans soon.