Billy Joel song – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSaaEVAMi3o
When I think about where I am, and what I’m working on – somehow compared to everything going on in the world right now, and the world as a whole – my struggle seems very small. Super important to me, but very small in comparison.
I know, when I get past this time, this struggle, this time will seem far away. I won’t remember these individual days, that are like a roller coaster ride. The ride it self has some very interesting things, so much learning. Learning about myself, my relationships, things I’m super good at – things I am very very poor at – some of which I thought I was good at…. So much learning and growing.
Its hard. Some of the things just make me sad. Sadness isn’t bad in and of itself – and I have such an amazing support system of love, trust, gratitude, and blessings. Thank you universe for allowing me to learn in this time and place. While it doesn’t in the moment always feel like a blessing, it is. I’m here, I’m great just the way I am, and I’m learning to get better, stronger, healthier, and more present.
These blogs, are both a task I look forward to and something I dread. I feel that its never quite enough. I feel like I put myself into these, and I enjoy and relish doing it. I feel like my ideas, while not unique, are mine, and that makes them special just because they are mine. I am so grateful for the tech to be able to do this – for the support of P to keep it up and alive and to keep me able to do these easily and seemlessly.
Yesterday, when we were driving, there were all these net covered areas on the trees – and P told me they are probably cocoons which will be butterflies soon. This feels like me alot of the time, I’m in a net covered web, that will burst out into some amazing butterfly sometime in the future. Just have to wait and work on growing.
Diet is one of the struggles I’m having right now. Emotional eating has been a bane of my existence for as long as I can recall. I recall a story my mother told me about when I was a babe that my Paternal grandfather chastised her for giving me M&M’s instead of healthier treats, I think my emotional eating subsciously started back then. The words that are said around small children are heard and internalized.
I gave up emotional eating during my harsh keto days. It was easy to just create a line in the sand and not cross it. Taking a break from that, both for my emotional and physical needs of the time, made this incedicious thing a struggle again. Now I have this periodic voice that says “we can feed this” when my mind and heart knows – No, No you can’t. You can’t feed emotions successfully – it just doesn’t work – the worst part is that when you try, you end up doing a vicious circle of chastising – which is FAR worse then the original emotion – or atleast it is for me. Trying to work through this, while allowing myself “some” healthy and less healthy choices is hard – ensuring I’m not trying to feed emotions, is a challenge.
Its sorta funny to me, I have tasked “my inner child” with stopping our emotional eating – and she is REALLY good at this. She enjoys “winning” and telling that emotional eating part of myself “no, no, no” – I find it kinda amusing that the strongest advocate inside of me for NOT emotional eating is that little kid. She is just great. She is the part of my personality that will always – always find the best in everything.
She isn’t always easy to please, and when she gets disappointed….. watch out, I can be quite a biotch. She is the most equipped part of me to throw temper tantrums. I’m trying to become a more balanced adult and recognize her need to tantrum, while at the same time, recognizing the hurt and pain that my tantrums can cause to those around me, and the universe as a whole. Its not about holding it back, more about channeling it into something positive and constructive. Not always easy, but definitely worth the effort.
Spotify decided to make me a “daily healing” play list – that oddly is full of commercials lol – so won’t really end up on my playlist at all – I don’t understand how someone could think that “healing” of any form could possible include selling someone something they aren’t looking for or needing. — There was another example of this in my recent past – I was buying a supplement that intuition told me would help – and in the process of trying to check out I was bombarded with SIX different “are you sure you don’t want this too? We won’t make this special offer available again for you” — and I’m like, no just let me buy these damn supplements – it really made me question if I should really get these, spirit said “Yes, they will help” – and I persevere- but maybe the lesson is that sometimes you have to work for the things you need. Seems like a good lesson, to take out of it – but I’m certain there are more… There is always more.