So we have been shopping with delivery. I’ve been craving a sweet treat that was an instant “tasty” thing. HEB had these frozen things, “No sugar added” it said – Strawberry Frozen fruit bars….. No ingredient list – I should have googled, but I didn’t… Mia Culpa – I get them in our delivery today – so fast… and the ingredient list is a mess – sure it has “no sugar” in the classic sense of the word “sugar” – but it has 4 types of sugar that are almost as bad as high fructose.

” Ingredients:

Water, Strawberries, Sorbitol, Concentrated Grape and Strawberry Juice Concentrate, Less than 2% of Glycerin, Maltodextrin, Polydextrose, Natural Flavor, Guar Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Dextrose, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid and Potassium Sorbate (Preservatives), Artificial Color (Red 40), Sucralose.”

4 types of easily recognized/identified “not technically sugar, but higher glycemic than sugar” – poisons that I could chose to put in my body. Mostly I’m left feeling very sad at myself for failing to assume that they were lying with their “no sugar added” – sad sad times.

There is a song from top gun “I need a hero” – which is my alternative way of saying “is no one able to be honest in marketing anymore?” Maybe they weren’t ever- please let’s call sugar all of the names that it is…. These are actually far far worse than sugar as they actually all have a higher glycemic level than “real honest to goodness sugar” has – but really – frozen strawberries – why do they need sugar at all? they are pretty sweet to begin with, and I see that you have added juice to them already – so they should be very very sweet even without all these poisons. One may never know.

A friend reminded me the other day, that all of the chemo drugs – all of them are carcinogenic. This is something I’ve already known for a long time, even before original diagnosis. Its kinda confusing to me why to fight something we have to put in the very things that if we had not had in our lives to begin with may have not caused this problem.

Where does the line between reality and fiction rest? Maybe there isn’t a line, and we are all just living in fiction anyway.

I’ve been devoting little times to my project, and its slow but it is definitely coming along. Each time it feels a little bit like progress, and while it still has far to go, I do feel like this work is satisfying. Like it’s bringing me to a better place that will produce a happier result. Its a little project – I decided to clean out my bathroom closet, which had sorta become a catch all for so so many things. Its not like a normal linen closet, its sorta like – well to be honest its the same size as my pantry which is not really a pantry at all, but rather a closet that is big and small at the same time. I think normal guest rooms have a closet about this size, but in this home they are the pantry and my bathroom closet.

This bathroom closet has always been somewhat of a catch all, like many places in my home. I’ve been working through them in the time I’ve been having at home, baby steps – Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Some areas are more bang for the buck, but this one is one that it was time for— we had a water leak a few years back, and we didn’t notice till a month or so ago, that the carpet in this closet had molded. Phil took care of the mold, and I noticed that the entire closet sorta needed a clean/clear effort. I finally started working on it – but there is so so much in this closet. Small steps will get me to the prize.

We walked up to the mailbox yesterday – P thought there was a package, because apparently the USPS sends him notifications when one arrives. The walk was super nice, we took Starbuck, and he was so confused. I haven’t actually walked him in years – walking with the “C word” has – well its enough of a challenge taking care of myself – taking Starbuck is a challenge of a different type, one of which I have not been prepared for and opted to save for another time. This time, with P we took him, and he was so so confused. He did enjoy it though – this was the second time in a week or so we have done this. The best part about it was the moment P realized the package had actually been delivered to the door – as it was too big for the little lockers are the mailbox. – This was after we picked up the mail and there was no key there. The walk was incredible, and I’m glad we got to do it.

Have some upcoming birthdays that I’m contemplating. P has taken care of one of them, for which I’m pretty happy – with the conditions of our world, plans take a little more time to ensure you get what your after. I wonder if this will improve or worsen as time progresses. I guess speculating probably a little of both. He was able to get more TP – something we have had on subscribe and safe for years now, but we have run thru our stock, and he has ensured we have enough to keep our bung holes satisfied for another X factor of time.

I’m very glad for P in my life, sometimes he can be so so confusing, but other times he is the ray of light that brightens my world. I guess the compromise of marriage is like that… the Tao of marriage.

While Im still a little sad we didn’t get to take the vacation to Oregon, I’m hopeful that maybe some of my family will figure out and plan a family reunion trip there, so that I can just be lazy and attend instead of having to pick up the mantle and carry the flag. Of course, it probably wont be until next year this time anyway, because conditions have to evolve in a way that makes it realistic.

I’ve been keeping journals with a few of my family, and I’ve been debating adding a few more – it’s not that I feel I can single handedly keep the USPS alive, its more that there is something I just enjoy about putting pen to paper, as much as keyboard to screen. I like writing. And doing more of it makes me feel alive, and remind me one of my purposes, to share my experiences thru words.