Or rather dont. A few years back i went to fitness ridge – commonly called biggest loser camp. I learned some incredible lessons that how far we believe we are capable of going isn’t necessarily the same as how far we can go – and i learned how to push it. How to enjoy the satisfaction that comes with going beyond.
This wasn’t my first experience with this lesson but it was one i designed intentionally to be long enough to form brain patterns to guide me to the ability to push vs relax.
I started having what i have dubbed flashy things – picture in picture of flashes in my eyes. There are alot of “probables” for the root cause of this – and sufficed to say ive had them periodically rarely since the seizure/reaction i had in july.
Ive never really liked taking medicine im not sure anyone really does – so i have endeavored to be overly frugal with my medicines available to help with this. Sufficed to say i did not take enough to prevent a massive four hour seizure- assuming on the time since we are judging from my last memory of texting and when they were stopped. Apparently they pulled a significant amount of fluid out of my lungs – i apparently continue to live my semi charmed life and am so so grateful to be alive.
They started me on some anti seizure meds which cause delusions and paranoia as the side effects this was a really bad mix for my overactive personality. I had a few very bad days. Once i got into a regular room (out of ther icu) apparently i started a routine of “let me go home”- calling P and R at four am to pick me up.
Most of the crazy things i really don’t remember my body was fighting to be alive for the right to live and to keep enjoying life.
I got home. There are so so many needs after a visit like this a troupe of new doctors- figuring out my next steps. The new chemo is awaiting final approval from insurance so that’s very hopeful. It has really good results so far with a fairly low rate of incident.
I was doing really well getting around and recovering until i decided to be too quick getting the dog in the rain and tripped on my purse getting out of the car – its so funny to me because i had and was actually using the walker still, but i was rushing to get out and it was slick from the rain. My saving grace literally is the love and care of the people around me. I feel – i think it was well? As well as can be when you suddenly know your falling and there is no stopping hitting the hard wet concrete.
On the plus side, everything seems to be working as intended just vert bruised and sore- again. Life’s reminder to slow down.
They found blood clots in my arm from the hospital but im getting another medication to help with that – and im finally starting to feel a bit adjusted to the other meds – or i should say reality is once again a part of me.
I have been praying alot lately – i know there is more work i am responsible for doing so it isnt yet time to stop fighting. Its easier to pray for direction, love, guidance, hope and healing than it is to be focuses on what isn’t working as intended. Although i do feel a bit like the 45+year old i am these days.
Special blessings and thanks for all the light love and help from all the staff, friends, family and loved ones. Prayers and positive thoughts always help.