“Apollo you have to crawl before you can run” – said Alethia to the small baby trying to understand why his feet were not strong enough to just run now.
The quote of Pinky and the brain of “what are we going to do today brain?” “why take over the world of course” keeps going thru my head.
There was good news, interesting news, work to be done news, and news that might not seem good, but is actually not overly bad. Got test results. The MRI looks “not bad” – this is the good news – in case you might have been wondering. By not bad, I mean that while I still have the oh 20+ tumors in my brain, the ones that were treated, and roughly 10+ of the largest ones, do not look larger. They look reduced, and the cool word the radiation person used was “necrotic change” – personally, when referring to the cancer cells I’m trying to kill off, this seemed like a kinda cool way to say “hey I’m with you lady, you go keep killing those things off” The interesting news is that the two tumors that are not showing reduction were not spots that were radiated, and while they do show a small increase, even my radiologist who is by far the most detail oriented and realist of my entire support team, blew up the pictures, to specifically show the growth size, and then let me know he wasn’t overly concerned with these two spots enough at this time to try and radiate them now.
On to the Pet Scan results, and the work to be done, and other news. First its worth mentioning that the Pet scan was being compared to my last Pet Scan which was last year this time. Also marginally compared to my multiple CT & Bone scans this year. Pet Scans show more detail in some areas, while CT and Bone scan show more detail in others. Its not exactly a 1-1 ratio of what they show, and while they will often show “no progression” or “some progression” … its difficult to precisely indicate on any one scan what this means. Part of why I recommended/asked for us to do a PET scan, was to have comparative results, and to make sure we are keeping those, also because I had this nagging feeling since I had the super good CT/Bone scan in October, and still had these things that I feel were more of a concern than those scans indicated… that it was time to do “this type of scan” to see “other things” The scan showed progression year over year, and it showed active tumors in 7 lymph node spots in my chest. This was Not at all a surprise to me, these are palpable spots, that were not showing on the CT I had in October. So yeah, seems like from the pet scan they are cancer too? Joy – not a shock, but work to be ongoing to resolve this, more movement, more treatments – also worth noting that if the lymph nodes are getting cancer again, then the chemo is NOT stopping progression so it will likely be time to change treatments. There is no active cancer showing in my heart, lungs, liver. These are actually kinda good things, a new treatment and cancer free organs means I am still doing a good job of fighting the cancer, and still doing my best to keep alive and healthy.
There have been some concerns on my blood scans. Nothing specifically noteworthy other than Red Blood cell count being low enough, coupled with problematic experiential intuitive confirmations about it not being the right time to do the surgery, have postponed the surgery and put me on the scout for a new surgeon. This is not an especially hurried thing, as I’d like the counts to return to a more normal range before we do surgery, and I’d like to ensure that I have a surgeon I feel more confident will be available for communication and concerns during the process. Seven unreturned contacts is too many for me to consider this person a good fit for my team.
I’ve been working on redoing my guest/meditation – “my spare room to do things in” room – and it recently got painted and I finally picked out new carpet. I’m pretty excited it will be installed in a week so I’m much looking forward to my newly gained time from the cancellation of the surgery, for some rest and relaxation.
I’ve been feeling a bit stir crazy lately, with that travel itch gnawing at the parts of me that are somewhat emotional, a little spiritual, a tiny bit mental and while normally the physical would be all over this too… its kinda like “please let us just rest here at the house for a bit” — so I’ve kinda been telling the other parts to slow down and savour the good things for a bit. This has had some odd ramifications – mostly more emotional temper tantrums with myself, and more feeling the need to spiritually cleanse cleanse cleanse, because somehow my spirit, when I’m not traveling is perpetually calling things into me for every purpose – many are so so good, like “yes yes give me that healing energy” or “yes yes I’ll take those prayers and that love and that hope” … but some of the things like “donate to this political campaign” or “save the environment by supporting the ants in indonesia” – I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the later two at all; just right now my dance card for helping other people and helping the world outside of me – while it is never quite full; having been dedicated to god as a baby somehow gives me this part of me that is always available to help others, its not quite full, but it is spending a good bit of time over allocated and a bit slower than its ever been in my life.
I am finding myself to be a more thought-full person. While I have often had my mind full of thoughts, the times now when I find myself spending more time thinking than acting is … odd. I have always considered myself to be a thoughtful person – meaning showing considerations of others – but now I’m finding myself absorbed in thoughts, which somehow is causing me to frequently have more discretion and discernment towards my formerly thoughtful actions. This is not at all to say I have stopped them lol – easier to stop breathing or to damn a raging river – more that they are more decided, decisive and show how with the slightly more slower speed, more deliberate and significantly more rewarding. Its weird to think that somehow in my past just act and action ways, I somehow missed out on a significant amount of joy and happiness by not pausing to add more of the element of thought and refinement to my actions and there by producing just a small amount more joy and happiness to the final result. I like being thoughtful, so maybe this is the thing that brings me one of my greatest joys. I’m not sure, but I do know this “thought-full” ness seems healthier for me.
This time of year, its so so much fun. I love being surrounded by all the joy and happiness that randomly appears at odd moments. The random acts of kindness I happen to bear witness to, or participate in, or just enjoy the tales of…. Holidays are so good for universal energy. They lighten the spirit and the soul somehow, with the overwhelming realization that we are all connected, even if we just see it as the brief holiday moment of time, it still lifts the shroud of imaginary disconnect long enough for true peace, comfort and joy.
I’m am blessed to be here to enjoy this time of year, blessed to be surrounded by amazing people, caring, considerate, and thoughtful, to share this season with, to share the joy of being alive with, and to look forward to amazing things in the coming year.
Life is good.