Have been feeling the desire to blog, mostly about anything not related to my health. While I know blogging about my health is important and is valuable both from the documentation perspective and from general dissemination of information as well as receptacle of information history, its less fun to share information that I find somewhat abhorrent than to share information that is fun and joyous.
So I’ve been waiting for inspiration to strike me about a topic I felt happy to be speaking about or at least felt inspired to be speaking about – not all subjects are happy ones after all, even if you can put positive rose colored glasses on easily and see things from a perspective and frame that allows you to view them as positive. I digress. Engaging topic search….
In the course of discourse with a friend today, we happened upon a button topic of mine that is not actually related to my physical condition. Although, in saying this there seems to be some element of it that IS related, so maybe its a good side piece for how I’m doing with the ability to transcend and allow me to see the picture from a small spec left field element.
I live by choice, at this time, in America. Its a society that is run, controlled, dictated by business. I’m not entirely certain that it has always been the case, but it is 100% confirmable the case today, 2019. There are good elements to this, and there are toxic elements to this, pretty much like everything in life. Accepting this is just a par for the course and then realizing its impacts, and the things that add value, and take away value.
I could write several pages about this as a method for persuasion, but I’m really not feeling the desire nor the need. The fact that having a “job” is something that we consider to be a laudable thing, and lack of having a job is something we shun people for… the fact that working until you “get” to retire – when seemingly you get to “work” on the things you find important, instead of what someone else tells you is important. The fact that all the necessities of life, a home to live in, health care and self care for your body, require this job or a nefarious form of finance, as money is the “energy” of business. All of these things, just self propagate my point.
My thought, this morning was, I wonder where I would need to live that business didn’t drive the society. I wondered if there were a place on earth that this pre-business society still exists. Or a post one, although I honestly don’t feel that a successful revolution of business society has existed yet, as I have not felt its tendrils of back lash within my society of “that place isn’t right, we can’t go there”
I feel that maybe, if the place exists/existed, it would probably be in India/Asia – not just from the perspective that its the largest populous source, but also also one of the most devote spiritual sources devoted to the “pure” energy devoid of finance, that comes with source, soul, heart, balance. Maybe in Tibet, or Parts more rural of India or China… where people still live to live, vs live to work. I feel I had many examples of this in my visit to India, and even could think of some examples in my visit to both, where I can reference examples that might be points for this, however the tendrils of business society have definitely built and fostered seeds in all of the countries I visited, where the opulence and courting sales pitch of “look how great business can be” is definitely lauded.
I know, in our society here in America, there are many subservents, that are not content with this business controlling society, I also know that most of them still shop, buy and consumer, which are the pillars of business, and what keeps this self replicating business society model functioning.
Maybe the business society model isn’t all bad, but it is definitely flawed, because it fails to consider the individual as an individual, and works like the medical profession has become to label everything by category and standardization. This is clearly flawed, and has been proven so by many different areas of study with regard to “not everything that is like is really like” and “standardized practice produce sub quality results” — not to mention the potential harm that forcing someone to do things that their mind, body and spirit are not in alignment with is just bad for humanity, the planet, and life in general. But then, there is the rub, Business is not alive, its not even an entity with a specific form, its a construct, which means even though our entire society is based upon it, its really only an imaginary fabrication given form and stability by shared collaborative thoughts, actions, and repetition.
Enough about this rabbit hole of thought that really isn’t leading places, and just rambling onward to a heartbeat drum.
Speaking of heartbeats…. Medical update information. Had my chemo infusion last week, after discussing the latest test results with my doctor. My labs, which have always looked perfect, no longer look perfect. They were not concerning to my doctor, the nurse staff or to pretty much anyone but me. The levels that are now out of range, are not significantly out of range, but they are noticeable, and concerning to me. They are liver levels, and blood levels that impact my bodies ability to purge toxins, and to sustain healing skills. I have requested them to monitor them again – yesterday in fact, so that I can keep track of them and ensure they are not shifting more, its always possible that the little bit off was “a weird day thing” – blood does fluctuate. The other test results we went over were from my Echo cardio report. Due to my cancer being HER2 positive (triple positive in fact) the chemo drugs I take, have this side effect of causing permanent damage to the heart and liver. Hence my reason for OCD monitoring. The echo monitors many aspects of my heart, but there are 3 things particularly they are watching for to see if the drug has had an impact and needs to be terminated. It had been, a little out of regime for this test, and I’d had 3 prior treatments since my last screening. Again with these types of tests, there is the possibility of it having been an “off day” for my body. That does not feel like the case in this particular result however, and I have asked them re-screen before we do the next treatment after christmas (delayed to allow me to heal some from the surgery) – this is actually quite good, because it will allow for my body to be in a better/best possible place before the next test, so if it were an anomaly, it should be clear.
The particular aspect of concern, is the % of the blood my heart is or was during this test, capable of pumping. A healthy human heart pumps more than 50% of its blood a second. They measure this % by this test. In previous tests, my heart has pumped between 68% and 64% of my blood thru, filtering things out, and oxygenating every second. In this test, my heart was reduced to pumping 58% thru. The doctors get concerned if you drop below 50% or if you shift more than 10%. As my previous test was only 64, this one with a shift of 58 was only 8% shift, so not a concern for a doctor. Highly concerning for me. I was not at all surprised by this result, and learning about it more explained a few things. I have been experiencing random tightness in my heart. Its been more of a ‘wow wonder what that is’ thing than a something I remembered or considered a symptom. I have experienced heart tightness before – when doing a super high intensity workout – where you feel your heart constrict and you know you are pushing it. Its not exactly a painful feeling more just an uncomfortable tightness, that has never lingered more than a breath or two, before returning to its normally scheduled program. That is the same with lately feeling this – like I will be washing dishes, and a tightness will come on, and a breath or two later, all gone. No harm no foul. There is a valid, real point to be made for the fact that I am over 45 now, and that hearts change as you get older, and maybe this 58% is my “new normal.” The time now is for monitoring and staying vigilant, but this isn’t anything new lol, just the job I have right now for “staying alive”
I have been praying more. To say more is kinda amusing, I have pretty much for the majority of my life prayed daily. I am finding myself praying, at more routines and times in the day, giving light and heart to spirit. I have also started cleansing my chi two to three times a day. This has very interesting ramifications.
My body as a temple is something I’ve always known, but seeing it manifest is an interesting thing, feeling it center, and feeling the connection to the people around me that I chose, – yes choice the thing that business tries to elude you into forgetting you have – the people I chose to keep in my life … feeling them working thru their own mysteries, marvels and wonders. It is very awe inspiring, and it brings me great joy to be able to share and revel in their wins, and to help provide comfort and sometimes positive spin on their struggles/challenges.
An adage I am perpetually reminding myself, which has echoed and been tested time and time again in my life – is the thought that the best things, the most satisfying and joys in my life – have always come as products of great striff, great effort, and often times long times of challenge and discomfort or satisfaction. They were worked/fought/harvested for, and they were not without burden or struggle. I try and focus and remember this when I have something happen which threatens to take my mind out of the happy positive places, when the thing isn’t what I’m hoping or right. I also try and let spirit guide me to not stressing over it, the work will happen, I will do what needs to be done, and I will keep fighting to win this battle.
I had an MRI yesterday, it was actually one of the easiest, fastest and best I’ve had – and that’s quite a bit to say since I believe it was my 7th in the past 4 years. I have begun to be enlightened to the fact that most of my suffering and struggle is completely self generated. There is a profound joy in embracing these unpleasant things, and conquering them for myself in my mind. I am hopeful the MRI will have something good to share, I will see the results on Friday.
I have a PET scan scheduled for thursday, and while its not for the doctor I see on Friday, the beautiful part of my medical support team is that he will have access to the report, and will allow me the opportunity to see if nothing else, the highlights from the report.
This is a source of great joy to me. Every member of my medical support team is a human I cherish. They are good to me, they are helpful to me, and while their information is tempered and restricted by the confines of the medical laws, doctrines, and general regime, they are human and will listen, and embrace with me the best treatment courses for my healing. I have an incredible team, from the administration, nurses, and doctors I have hand selected, and screened over time – to the licensed care providers for acupuncture, massage, physical therapy, and psychological care. All of my team is rooting for me, and working to listen and help me find the best possible solutions to solving my heath issues.
Its an incredible feeling, that all the work of tending my garden, of fighting for my patient advocacy – while still perpetually ongoing. Its such an empowering feeling to know that I have these quality personal, individuals to help me along this journey. This is a universal thank you to each and everyone of them.
Its going to be a long busy week, with many things to tick off before surgery next tuesday, but I am feeling strong and capable, and recovering from the chemo last week. I got blessed with an unexpected day off today, to just play and care for myself – hence the blog, and now on to more things around the house 🙂