I started this place list called playlist for peace, its songs that somehow elicit that sense of value in me when they play, they aren’t necessarily the traditional ones, maybe some of them are, but some of them are a little off the reservation as it were.

Had the final radiation last week, and I have to say, as anticipated, planned, forecast, I feel pretty much like crap. While I recognize this is “all according to design” with the plan to compromise my immune system to allow the chemo today to get into the brain and help me fight this, it doesn’t change the fact that feeling like crap even when you understand the why and the goal, is still pretty rough.

We had more quiche the other day from the new bakery restaurant I found recently Papi’s Pies. So so good, and they make pies and croissants. I’ve been doing primarily keto for a long while now, with alot more flexibility in it, but steering generally away from carbs. With the radiation, its a pleasant thing to allow my body to indulge, or rather specific “carb loading” type of a frame for it. I got to have one of their strawberry rhubarb pie slices.

My grandmother on my fathers side was a cook she made the most amazing strawberry rhubarb, and I have been craving that for sometime, because its just not one of those things that most people make especially well. This pie from Papi’s was nostalgic and was the closest I’ve found to her crumble in terms of flavor profile of the strawberry and rhubarb. It was a few minutes of peaceful memories for me.

Have not felt much like doing much of anything the past few days, my body is weak and weary right now from the treatments, and this treatment today is no exception. I will have a couple weeks to relax, while trying to let it do its magic and I can focus on healing and getting strong.

One of the hardest things for me right now, is being weak. Its surprising to me how that breaks me down into tears. Trying to open a lid, that I sealed, so I know its not over tight, and struggling. Or trying to lift up a bed that I had lifted a few months back and didn’t struggle with. Or a clothes basket, or a pot, and just feeling my muscles struggle with the effort, somehow it just hits me at a core part of my being and makes me overcome with a wave of intense sadness that just doesn’t’ really have a good source or a good resolution.

I have faith, that the best possible outcome will be the result of all of these struggles. In my life, I have found over and over again, that the harder the struggle the greater the reward. The more I endured and suffered the more amazing the vistas at the end of the journey. I feel strongly this is no exception, and I try perpetually to take comfort in this knowledge.

There are many joys these days. Small little treasures that come to me in small presents of happiness. Spending time with my family, and just laughing, the pure bliss of being alive. The weather change, and watching Starbuck, my schipperke, run paces in the yard, the cold enhancing his feeling of being alive and thriving in this crazy place and time. The joy of amazon prime offering free delivery for whole foods, a god send of a method to fix a small problem I have been struggling with of not making my support system fetch and carry so much for me.

Overall life is good, I have my meditation/guest room being painted this week, we are getting Phil’s hot tub fixed, all for us, but also in time for our family gathering for Thanksgiving in a few weeks. Heard of another family member on Phil’s side that is going to make the trip, pretty excited, and we are still a little under the count for our plan.

I am thankful for all the people in my life that check in with me on Facebook, messenger, or any of the other medium to see how I’m doing, but its hard sometimes to answer you when I am doing so poorly and while I know you care, and I care so much about the fact that you took time, I don’t want to tell you I’m doing badly, even if it is for a reason of intent that I need to be doing badly so I can be doing much better again soon.

I am thankful for sunshine, and cold days, and OM chanting music to help me keep my chakra open and in alignment. Thank you universe for insights and intuitions and keeping me strong in spirit along this difficult physical road.

Enough for now, going to go enjoy some coffee, a sunrise, a meditation, and get ready for the chemo treatment today.