So I’m trying to remodel my …… I’m trying to decide what to call this room in my house that is “my” room. Its technically going to be a guest room, and it is and has been the place where people have come and stayed, with a semblance of blissful privacy I’d like to be able to provide. This room is also “my room” in terms of the room where I should be able to go to and be myself without judgement from anyone else or anything else.
That old adage “Go to your room”… I feel like while it was supposed to be a punishment, it was also a much needed time out and a place maybe more necessary for adults than even as a child, a place that is a respite where one can go to be just with ones thoughts. A meditation room of sorts maybe?
In anycase, I’m trying to get it painted, the first step along the path of a complicated remodel I’ve been debating/considering for about a year.
Its tough when you are me, and so strong willed and so self sufficient, or accustomed to being that way, and so independent… to do something like this… I know the things that need to occur, and the order, but I also am acutely aware that I don’t have the energy or reserves to do them, and that they just aren’t as important, the entire project is not as important as my “job” for healing myself. So when working on this project takes away from the job part, it has to stop and wait for a better time.
Time is something I don’t have alot of… I don’t know what that means, because honestly maybe I have more than some people that don’t even realize they have less, maybe I have less than some that feel they have more… who knows. I have an X factor of time, and I have alot of conditions that are striving to reduce my X factor by a Y factor. Knowing that I have an X and Y factor actually gives me more information than the average person who also has an X and a Y factor but does not’ have knowledge that they exist, and isn’t pressured by society or life to live according to them. Sufficed to say, my hourglass of time is something I’m acutely cognizant of… but trying not to focus on. I digress.
I’m working right now, on the “finding a painter” portion of this project. It took me a long time to have the “come to jesus conversation” with myself internally and give up the irrational hope of being able to do this job myself. I have embraced the fact that it will need to be something I commissioned to get it done. I have budgeted for this, and I took the first step of picking out the paint, and purchasing the paint. Which provided me with a list of painters looking for work. I got the first quote, and it was significantly more than I was expecting. This was a little disheartening. It took alot of mental acumen to put my ego in check and resign myself to hiring people to help, but for the quote to be double my expectation was frustrating. This however, was a blissful opportunity, and is turning out to be more and more so every day. The quote being so high, forced me to do something that in my “get it done fast get it done fast” mentality I haven’t really done of getting a second quote.
This is kinda a no brainer thing that smart people should do, I’m a smart people, but I have been … its not exactly lazy but maybe impatient? and not done this in the past. I have suffered due to this impatience. Its time for that to be over. So, now we get a quote, and I suck it up buttercup and just have a little longer to find out if my expectations were way off base, or if the particular place I had quote was just super high.
In the course of the time, between the deciding to get a second quote, scheduling the second quote, it has come to my attention that there may actually be a great painter in my midst of allies, that might also use this work.
A and I went to the festival for Dwali in down town round rock on Saturday. I could write another whole post about this experience, and how it was … in boiled down version, a mcdonalds version of my experiences in India. Festivals in India are part of what keeps their culture, their societal acceptable things, and generally keeps them able to maintain happiness, all of these are great, this festival was a fast food version, mini fast, and less satisfying than the original, but it was sustenance, and it was camaraderie, and it served the purpose of connecting people all seeking for that feeling of heart, soul, and connection together in one place humbled by the joy of laughing children enjoying the bliss of being alive running around in beautiful colored garments. It was Fun, it was great to catch up with A… She mentioned, when we escaped the festival and went to the local Indian restaurant for dinner, that her sister in law does this type of work…. So maybe I’ll have the perfect fit for this job after all.
Today, the painter for the second quote came. He came before heading to another job, and he honored my request to give the guys time for their morning coffee and quiet time, and this was a huge thing, and I was appreciative.
In discussions, it was an amazing experience. His wife, passed away 2 years ago from a condition where cancer had spread to her brain, thru her lymphatic system. He is still coping with the loss, and I in my typical intuitive fashion forced out tears from someone for emotions they were and have been holding onto that needed to have voice so they could return to bliss and joy. Go Shiva. We talked, he cried, I cried, he gave me a quote for the painting. The quote was about what I was expecting for the job. He left, I hope a little happier than he was before he came.
I don’t know if I will go with him for the job or not, but the feeling was great from the experience. and the whole point of this blog was to share the following.
In the course of my struggles, my demons internally that tell me its time to give up, its time to be done, there isn’t any purpose left for me… in the course of me telling them I have purpose, there are times, when the universe/god/spirit… whatever you call that higher power that is our essence and driving force for being here, does me a solid. I pray daily, and meditate for direction and a sense of being and some sign that I have purpose. I believe I do, I believe I still have a job here on this earth, and that is why I’m alive not dead. But sometimes, when I have doubts…. I get to meet someone like this man, this painter today, and I get to give him a brief moment of solace. And I get to feel that my job isn’t’ done. My purpose is still quite active, and I have tasks that I will still be getting, they will come to me when I am ready to handle them, and I will approach them just as I’m able, and trained.
We all bring a light to this world, we all have a story to share, and this was my chance to share that story. The painter guy, made me crack up and smile when he said, “I wish my wife had looked as good as you do after fighting for a year” — Yeah my ego smirked and laughed a little inside, but the fact is he humbled me with his comment that I’m doing okay.
Today is a good day.