Reached out a day or so ago to an old friend – one I haven’t talked to in … years… not a super close friend, just a really great guy I enjoyed talking to in the course of our job, and enjoyed working with – he is one of my cultural diversity friends – one that grew up in another country (brazil) that just has a very different perspective on life. When we worked together, it was over Finance things, and so our perspective was shared due to common objectives and goals. His knowledge is incredible, but overall his smile and his demeanor are positive and contagious.

Reaching out to him was sorta a spontaneous intuition thing – a new friend – one of the guys in P’s Vet class, that I connected with on the first night – connected with on LinkedIn – a tool I used, and many people use for networking in the confines of business. It is seriously great for recruiters, but also great for connecting with contacts like the first one – friends that you don’t share lives or paths with, but that you are learning from about things that make the world go round from a mental perspective not necessarily from an emotional or a spiritual. Its a tool for data analysts 🙂 – but its a social tool – and new friend was asking me questions, so in the process of answering him I realized I had received many many messages in my time of my current job – “Curing Cancer” – that I hadn’t ever replied to – Old friend was one of these.

I sent him a message – much like when I message or talk to anyone, my heart chakra is open, and the information nearly always comes from my heart – its part of why I’m not particularly well suited for promotion too significantly in business. I am not so much unable but very unwilling to do the necessary evil things to help a business – which supports thousands of people at the expense of one person. Greater good, when it comes with a dollar sign as the definition has always been hard for me to reconcile – I worked in finance (10 years) long enough to mentally grasp and manipulate the concept, but I fear my path and heart will never really be comfortable with the concept of putting money above people.

I think thats why I’m most offended by the HobLob situation. R and T work for Hoblob (aka Hobby Lobby) – the guy that owns this company is a multi BILLIONAIRE – and he has chosen during this difficult time to do a very shrewd business thing. First he tried to get his store/company approved as a – wording is slipping my mind right now, but a “OMG I HAVE TO STAY OPEN DURING THESE TIMES” type of business – which made me laugh – but it was at least a good college try – they managed this for a few days – I’d imagine someone else had the same reaction as me “really? hahahahhahahahha” – When this failed to work, they “went out of business” – closed all the stores, and furloughed all the employees. New term for for me in these times, it basically means “unemployed, until we can afford to open again and then you have a job” — This basically moved the burden from His/Hoblob pocket for all of these poor people to the Gov of the State – Remind me again, but we don’t live in a communist company right? We don’t live in a country where it is all of our responsibility to pay for hard working – and I do mean hard working – these employees work super long hours, and make well – some have been there years and are only making barely 15$ an hour. – I know some personally. Many are making minimum wage. And now they can collect unemployment? Which comes from state funds – already over taxed. But thats okay because no worry – he will have enough money to re-open his business – clearly a flawed model if we are not a communism, if it relies upon the state to get him thru a few weeks/months of a global unexpected (right? we didn’t plan for this to happen? No one expects the spanish inquistion right? No one except the church that generated it – Oh our “church” who runs the country/business of our country? ….. Hrmmm maybe someone expected it) Sufficed to say, from an emotional perspective I’m quite happy his employees will now get “something” in two weeks – these people who all have families, lives and bills to pay, where they were struggling and barely getting by already — atleast the states will give them something in two weeks, YOU ARE MOST WELCOME FOR THE TAX DOLLARS.

./rant – don’t know where that spiderweb came from but I think its out of my system now? maybe? when I let my head take over it goes on these tyrants – gotta keep it focused on the job at hand… speaking of which – I digress.

So old friend, I mentioned to him – and in the course of mentioning, I realized why I dislike all these “check up exams” – MRI/CT/BONE scan – all of which I had last week – PET SCAN/ECHO — all of these, in my current job of Curing Cancer – these are … effectively Performance evaluations. I’ve never liked these. I’ve had some people in my life that tried to put spin on performance evals as a tool for improvement, as a tool for making things better. I grasp the concept of what they are saying, but again, I just can’t put my finger on the truth of it – while I have watched and they are INDEED a tool for getting better jobs, getting promotions, getting more money, getting pretty much all the things you need in your job – I’m somehow missing a tool to go from “you want to tell me how bad I’m doing so you can lay me off, fire me or generally give me more work” to “sure we can give you that, sure we can pay you more” — there is like some river that I need a bridge to cross — (animal crossing reference but again this is a huge spider web so setting it aside) — Sometimes I have gotten good things out of performance reviews, but always I have felt better when they are done. They are a huge trigger for anxiety for me, as I imagine they are for most people. I wish they just had a pass fail system with them, because I’d be pretty confident I wouldn’t fail – particularly on this upcoming one (thursday with doctor) – I mean how can you fail at curing cancer when your still alive 🙂 — I am however always very nervous about what these things will say, and much like in my former jobs, there is usually more doom and gloom than there is sparkling happy light.

I told my therapist last week, before these tests, that I was developing an apathy for them. When I spoke it, I recognized it as a half truth – I was apathetic to the actual tests, because I had come to realize they really weren’t the trigger point. The full truth came out as I typed a “I’m at this status” type of message to this old friend, and jokingly called this weeks appt a “performance review” but the more I think on this, and meditate on it, it really is – its a chance for a doctor to tell me what I’m doing that is working or not working and generally how things go – and I suppose much like in those old ones I had, I’ve come to realize that the doctor/boss really don’t have as much power as I “think” they have – because only I can really tell how I’m doing. Unlike in former jobs, the boss has an agenda – I’d really like to believe doctors are much less so, and I’ve chosen good doctors, so I do feel this is the case. I find it comforting somehow that my doctor moved all his appts – or as many as possible to teledoc – so as to protect himself and his patients, although I will miss the hugs – something about physical contact eliminates the mental anxiety significantly for me. It also somehow puts a positive spin on bad information – but I’ll have P here for that too. I think this is actually pretty important but I also know its because the easiest way to ensure your heart chakra is open is to hug someone – ideally someone you care about. I can honestly say I do care about all of my doctors, part of my screening process the first visit to make them “mine” is to decide if I can care about them or if they are not for me. So hugging my doctor opens my heart chakra and that just puts me calmer, and more able to spin any information to the positive. This has been helpful over the past few years of my life – when alot of the times, the information was not overly positive. Somehow I’m a bit like a leaky faucet, plug one leak and the water finds another hole to come out of….

I’ve been crying alot lately. This is quite an unusual situation for me. However, I can say, it honestly feels great afterwards. The well of emotions that get realized to generate the tears have sometimes been decades old, and letting them out and letting them go has well, other than just making me happy has made me lighter, and generally felt better, its like a laundry mat for my body. The tears are definitely sadness or frustration that I have held onto in my cells, and now I need that space to fill with love and light to help fight the cancer cells.

There were a couple interesting videos by Dr. Berg recently, and they spiderwebbed P&I into a couple others – About Vitd being a necessary component for Immune function – which I’ve been taking for years now. Also about Zinc being a tool in the arsenal for this particular virus but virus’s in general – there was also a spiritual tool that came to me from an unexpected source about Virus’s being invading spiritual entities, and with this knowledge you have the right and the obligation to “evict” them from your surroundings and block them like immigration from your body. This isn’t just about taking physical protection, its about telling them specifically with your voice, and your heart to “stay away” “Access denied” – although good hygiene and social distancing protocols work pretty good too – if they never try and come into your body, the do not enter sign is still a good thing to have. — Other video was about the RNA sequencing – which I learned alot about – even with my chemo brain – had to pause many times for P to confirm/explain what we just watched, so a 10 minute medical video turned into about 45 minutes of watching. It struck off an intuition for me however, about how DNA is where cancer starts, and that is where I’m working on correcting it now, it was kind of a grass roots evolution of my spiritual goals – and I feel that it was a better performance evaluation than this doctor has the power to give – because in this job I currently have, I’ve got a ton of bosses, not just one – Lucky Me.

Made some soup again this week, it turned out better than last week, but it also had alot of cabbage – which someone I find makes just this incredible soup. My spices in the soup change each week depending upon my mood and what tastes/sounds good – and honestly so do the veggies “whats left that is about to turn that we don’t have a plan for” – goes into the soup. Its amazing to me how a little hot water, and some flavored dirt with a few lingering growths of earth turn into this magical mix of harmony and abundance after a couple of hours of bubbling together. Good metaphor for these times, and the people we care about in our lives. Its a good time to reach out and hold a hand, or say a blessing, or express gratitude. The more you do of things the more the universe returns those things to you.

I’m trying to eliminate getting angry and frustrated. There is really very little to be angry or frustrated about, I’m alive, I get to enjoy the sunrise again, the sunset again, I have so many blessings upcoming, so many things I will be getting to do. Sure somethings are not going to go as expected, but I am adaptable, I am capable of moving past things, and there aren’t alot of people – atleast none actively in my life or circles – that go out of their way to do things to make me angry – most of it is just my misinterpretation of their intent, or their intent not going according to my plan. I can communicate to them where the bridge failed to cross at the desired path, and I can change my plan – these are things I can do because I have a body, I have a mind, I have a heart, I have a spirit. I’m alive. Once I’m dead – hopefully far from now – 87 is my current goal/objective, once I’m dead, there will be plenty of time for these things, but right now, they only take away from my job and my pleasure, and generally self replicate – the same was as joy and blessings. More Joy, More Blessings, More happiness.

This has made me happy. Thank you life for the journey.