I debated about calling this Entitlement and the lemmings that go bump in the night, being as how the inspiration for this post came at me after an hour of tossing and turning trying to get to sleep and being soundly unable to rest. Headed to bed much earlier than usual tonight, as tomorrow is test day. More about that later, this post has been a marble bouncing around in my brain for some time.

When I was 20, soon to be 21 I spent a winter and spring with my great aunt M. It was an amazing life changing experience. It was when I was first introduced to the Desiderata. It resonated with me then, and many times thru my life it has been a shining beacon of hope in the background, but it also set the groundwork for a revelation I had this year about entitlement.

For the sake of this post, going to use the google definition of entitlement: basically having a right, or basic belief that one is inherently deserving of a particularly privilege or treatment. Over the years of my life, I have given alot of thought and ponderance to that word, and the implications, and ramifications that occur when one has entitlement.

Its also worth discussing for a brief moment the law of attraction or the general conservation of energy. If energy is never destroyed, and like energies attract like energies, entitlement as a mantra or belief system quickly becomes self fulfilling prophecy and self sustaining. This is, once in motion by thought, action, and belief, energies of self, and outside align to be in harmony with this entitlement and make it a self fulfilling thing. That is, by providing the belief, it calls to the thing itself, which strengths the belief, replicates the thing, attracting more of the like and becomes stronger and stronger, much like a tree that once its weathered its first cycle of seasons and developed a strong enough root system, doesn’t really need much else to just keep following the path and growing into a strong pattern of life. In my personal testing, in my life and experiences, this is something I have found to be true.

We all have entitlements, often times they are not always the most readily obvious things to us. At the end of last year, a startling revelation caused me to realize that not all entitlements are inherently positive. There is such a thing as negative entitlements or, self sustaining mantras we may not even recognize as ones we are fertilizing in our gardens of life, mind and thought.

I realized, I had an entitlement that was keeping me obese. I felt, entitled to be recognized by my peers as fat. I had always been fat, it was comfortable. I had a right to be treated as a fat person. To be medically diagnosed as a fat person. To be looked down upon and overlooked as a fat person. For assumptions to be made about what I would eat, drink, and how I would be acting or fitting into clothing, food, places. All of these things, I had expectations for how people would react and how they would treat me, that were neither conscious nor positive, but were my own perceptions of how life was to be, for me, as a fat person. I had an entitlement to be fat.

In the course of my health journey, I somehow in the course of restricting all of my foods, and taking and micromanaging everything going on with my body chose somehow to unconsciously release that entitlement. I would be entitled to be a healthy person. I didn’t realize I had an entitlement to be fat, until suddenly a few months after releasing it, recognized that I suddenly wasn’t really fat anymore. I honestly didn’t realize an entitlement was gone, until suddenly I was fitting into off-the-shelf medium size lounge pants, that I tried on overtop of my existing 2xl yoga pants. My reaction to the size wasn’t the shock or awe my hindsight might have expected, but more a, wow these are not only not tight, but they actually fit kinda nice.

In reflection as I gave away the old clothing that had been hanging off me for some time, I realized it wasn’t until I released that entitlement that my body felt free to shed the weight it had been struggling, with my low healthy caloric intake, to maintain.

Entitlement is a thing that I have used many times in my life. Its my practical application of the law of attraction or “the secret”- as some people tend to profit from….. Seeing it more as a belief of “I am entitled to this thing, and all of the trappings and interactions that occur with this thing”

It’s the small thoughts, and speech that are utilized by my heart, mind and mouth. I found that by claiming consciously the entitlements that I believe I deserve, it frees the universe up to ensure they exist for me.

My current entitlements are health, longevity, prosperity, and peace of mind.

Now with this out of my head, maybe I’ll be able to rest for tonight now, before my CT Scan and Bone scan tomorrow. I realized today that these tests, so soon again are like my quarterly report card of how I am progressing with my healing process. Here is hoping for another A.