Category Archives: Learning

Cancer Part One of Four

This post will be part one of four, where I discuss a few not fun facts, about a not fun thing I am dealing with, going through and otherwise choosing to learn, by necessity, in order to survive.

Time for a History lesson of me. In June 2016, it was determined, much as I had suspected for the few years prior, that the lump in my left breast was in fact cancer. I was initially diagnosed as Stage IV, as the cancer had metastasized to my lymph nodes already and was presumed to be elsewhere within my body yet undiagnosed.

Stage IV is the scariest stage to be diagnosed, because it effectively means that western medicine doesn’t have a “cure” they can sell you, and they are more concerned with keeping you alive as long as possible than anything else. This may sound a little bitter, but its more a realistic emotional reaction based upon my personal experiences.

Within a few more weeks of testing, a surgery to install a port, and my first “chemo” treatment. It was later Re-diagnosed as Stage 2. This means in humble people jaron free speak, western medicine has classed you as: “Good news, we think we can reasonable “cure” you, if you follow these toxic protocols we give you.”

Up until this point in June of 2016, I had never had surgery. I should not gloss over the fact that from the time of diagnosis, till the time of re-diagnosis, and beginning of my “stage 2 journey to healing”, I had undergone some of the most frightening experiences known to humanity. A mammogram, a biopsy, a surgery, a chemo treatment, a CT Scan, a Brain MRI, and so many doctors appointments, and planning and educations for all of the above, it hardly bares mentioning that my head, heart and soul, and that of my loved ones was still spinning.

My “protocol” was going to be 6 grueling treatments of chemotherapy, that were guaranteed to make my hair fall out, make my nails and skin brittle, risk possible permanent damage to all of my internal organs, as well as my skin. I was advised that once the treatments were finished, I would be referred to a surgeon for removal of my breast, reconstruction options, and then referred to a radiologist for irradiation of the reconstructed skin. I was not given options, no other details were discussed or reviewed, this was “the way it was to be”

I was educated on the fact that I was triple positive, a fact that was relayed as being a “super good thing” as it meant that there were hormonal suppression chemo drugs, I’d be taking for 18 months, that would prevent further outbreaks of the cancer in other areas of my body.

I was immediately put into flight or fight mode emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. Having no time to breath and consider my options, having no recourse other than to follow the “experts” advise.

At no time was the “cause” or “root” of this problem identified. At no time was diet or best course discussed. When I asked the best diet for chemo, I was generally told “whatever I felt like eating”. This honestly somewhat made sense, since in addition to the mainline chemo drugs they were pumping through my port, they also subscribed steroids and 3 types of anti nausea meds, so it really didn’t matter much what I ate, since my body was so heavily medicated that my immune system had no hope of helping me out.

In addition to the medical rollercoaster ride I was now experiencing, there were three other “necessary” amusement “rides” for me to embrace during this time.

The first was my work. I had been working, for a company for many years, 12 plus years, and I was suddenly, incapable of returning to work. This caused a void in a routine in my life. I suddenly had more time to focus on how truly miserable I was feeling, with no daily satisfaction from the small things, at my job that had been satisfying for me. At this point, back in 2016 when all of this was occuring, there was no thought in my mind of “not” returning to work, it was not knowing when I would be able to return to work. This created a state of frustration both in myself, and I’m certain for my colleagues. The environments at businesses in our country, The United States, are such that perpetually we are overworking our staff. This greats better profit margins, but creates a tremendous amount of stress surrounding incidents where an employee is forced to go on a long term medical leave. I was a basket case. I felt horrible leaving my teams, my employees, my colleagues, in the lurch, to tend to this most vital thing, my health. As if this feeling of guilt, and responsibility weren’t enough, in order to financially provide some stability to my family, I needed to jump thru the hopes to get short term, long term, and extended disability – All of which, are by design intended to be excessively convoluted. These required a jobs worth of follow up to ensure that I was qualified, that the paperwork for my qualification had been filed by me, by my employer, by my doctor, and had been approved by multiple sources at the insurance company. This process has been ongoing, and judging by the number of hours I have spent thru this process, its not unlike having a job. I am truly grateful to have been “prepared” in such a way so as to have paid for disability “just in case” for years, for this incident. I am also grateful for the time of the nurses, and doctors (multiple) who had to spend some of their time, away from patients to file my claim information multiple times. This process was a nightmare, continues to be a nightmare, and is one that I dread over and over again.

The next of the amusement park of cancer that I had to experience, was sudden brutal realization that i was no longer on the elite outside of “I don’t have cancer” Now forever, I would be a “cancer survivor” which is basically what they call you once you are diagnosed until you are dead. You are a cancer survivor until you are dead. I was now a label. I have always been a label in my life. A white woman. An obese white woman. An over 30 non-college graduate woman. But now suddenly, I had this other label that would forever define me. A Cancer Survivor. This just didn’t seem acceptable. I fought against this. As anyone who knows me will tell you, when I feel something is unfair, I will be the first to stand up and ring the bells and cry foul. Well, I looked at this label and I said “Nah this ain’t me” and I did everything humanly possible to avoid having this label, for no real other reason than I didn’t want to have it.

But wait, there is more, there was another rollercoaster of emotion waiting for me to struggle to come to terms with during this personal war against cancer going on. This one was a little bit more insipid and mild all at the same time, wrapped up in a pretty bow, and was the most toxic fruit cake of all time. That of my family and friends. All well meaning, all well intentioned, all filled with their own worry, regret, concern, hopes, inspirations, well wishes, needs, and generally aspects of being human. Suddenly I went from being a rock for everyone else, to being expected to be a mountain for everyone else. It isn’t that they intended this to be the case, but its more that they had these expectations that I just couldn’t fill or fit. They wanted to be there fore me, to provide assistance to me, all in ways that I couldn’t figure out how or what to do with. How did this happen? What did I do to create this mess?

Stay tuned for Part 2 of my journey.

Heart Salutations of Snowflakes and dreams

I’m truly happy, at this moment in time, life place. It feels, appropriate to blog, in this state, so here we go.

Right now, I am sitting at a folding chair, on a folding table, with a “gaming” laptop, composing this blog. My feet, are pressed against the super shiny and slick cold tile – a Grey pattern that is a reflection of the sky, that lightly shines in through the half window shades I have opened. The windows, all six of them, have blackout shades, in a dark grey color. The outside, is frosted with a fresh dusting of white white winter snow. It came early in the morning, and left its frigid touch against the landscape, evergreen trees dusted with the uniqueness of individual snowflakes, leaving this so happy layer on the limbs.

Its soon for winter solstice, and the light here tells this story in a solemnity that is bitter sweet. What light there is, in these short days is bright and peaceful, tempered with bitter wind, and frost, but reflected against the snow laden ground.

There are mountains in the distance, here in Spokane, Washington, just outside of the limits of the area where I am staying, in this peaceful valley. They tell of a stronger winter presence, beckoning skiers to take their turn at the slopes, and to ride down the icy paths of adventure. They are not my destination this time, though I will admit a allure to those mountains, with the temptations of a lover wiggling a white dusted hand to call me forth. Perhaps in another life, or another time of more optimal health, I’ll taste the kiss of falling on my ass in fresh layers of puffy snow as I try my hand at skiing.

This trip is about exploring life, and what it means to be alive, and thrive. I am visiting a dear friend, who holds a piece of my heart. We went to see the cat rescue zoo here, Cat Tales It was an incredible experience to see the white tigers so close. They had an unusual mix of animals, and many photo opportunities. I couldn’t persuade S to adventure out, but his parents tagged along with me, we had quite an adventure. We went shopping for a few things after that visit. Overall, it was super enjoyable.

One of the things I enjoy about this place to visit, is that I get to dive in and explore my culinary genius. Or put in a better word, I get to explore what it might be like to be a culinary genius, if I had the skill, knowledge or training. Mostly, I just get to cook things, and enjoy exploring in a kitchen. I have found a few things that I super enjoyed cooking, from time, technique, ingredients, and overall pleasure in the eating. Its a little challenging to cook things you know in someone else’s kitchen. Its definitely a test in adaptability. Things will not always turn out how you expect. For example, I found out that the wax paper that they have is NOT oven safe, at all, can confirm. The oven here has decided to wage war on my cooking, as I learned after few struggles, that it tempts you with the correct temperature at initial pre-heat, but then creeps up to 50 degrees hotter within moments of that notification. Thats okay though, its all good fun to learn to master a new appliance. Although, my keto pizza could have turned out a little bit more crisp for the learning.

Something about the northwest of the united states calls to my heart. Every visit to this part of the country feels like coming home, at long last. Its like some weight gets lifted off my shoulders, my head, my heart. I feel alive, I feel happy. I don’t have to work to feel happy, it just happens. Like a breath, like its supposed to happen, very little effort, just happy. Thank you life.

I wish I could understand what precisely it is about this part of the world that does this to me, so I could package it up and take it back to Austin with me. I also seem to quite enjoy the cold and snow. While it has been super cold here, with a few days in the 17, I haven’t ever felt scary cold. It is possible that this is because of the fact that S has kept a roaring fire going for me down here, and that his parents have kept the heat nice and toasty, but even in the cooler upper guest room I’m in, where the floor and the air have been quite crisp, the warm electric blankets have been all I needed to stay cuddly and warm.

This will have been a two week adventure when I venture back towards the south east, and I am just wishing that these last days linger, long and draw out with so many precious moments, to carry me until the next time, I can make it back here.

Odd thoughts- that began with a P

November always takes me back. Tomorrow is the second, and this was the birthday of a writer friend, a lover of mine from years ago. Someone that filled me with so much passion, the flame burned out far too quickly as hot flames such as ours do. Never truly actualized.

Somehow, he took a special piece of my heart, and held it; I’m frequently reminded of him, on this, the day before the annual of his birth.

There were many cold and cruel things he said to me, in the brief period of months that I knew him.

Sometimes the bitter things are often the most valuable. We learn from the things that cut us so much this way, in the heart, pieces falling to the ground.

He would listen to my writing, my rambling. And he would say things like, “I would lock you up and condemn you to write out all your feelings, write them down and feel them brutally and soulfully”….

He was always a rather sadistic muse to me. Extolling his bitter loss of muse, and reading me long ballads, sonnets, and other passages of sordid love story, or magick, or intimacy viewed through his spectacle version of life.

I am much older now, and I recognize the intent of his words more so than I did at the time. Life has made me wiser, but not any less of a dreamer, a poet, an inspirational writer of life and love.

A lover, after all is perpetually a lover. With fierce passions, that inflame and burn those around them. I’d like to believe I’m wiser, but generally I just feel older.

Love still finds me in forbidden, and untenable places, and still shatters my heart often, leaving me with poetic inspiration. The lack there of being little more than artistic suicide.

It’s a nice day to remember you, wherever you are, whatever adventures you have found, my once and temporary muse of writing, life and love. It is my memory that you drank too much, you smoked too much, that you mused too much, and found pleasure in the discomfort of others. You did gift me with life lessons, that were invaluable, and I reflect upon them from time to time. I wish that you are still walking amongst the pulsing rhythms of this world, finding joy where it will you to, and harmony of your own discordant beat.

Fall Dayz

Inspiration hit me today, like a brick to my head. I feel alive, I feel inspired. I feel like a mexican jumping bean ready to bounce out of my clothes.

Now to hold onto this, and let my muse guide me. Muse in the oddest place, in the seriously oddest location. More on this some other time.

I’m in a good place, and my head feels happy.

Today was workout number three of this week, trying to get back to hour long workouts daily, but its a slow process.

It was identified through several sources to me over the past few weeks, that this healing I’m doing is a multiple year project. 3-5 years, of working on curing. Two parts to that, the working, and the curing. The curing comes naturally from the effort and work I’m putting in, but the working was something that I identified, and now it has a i/o to go along with it.

Aha, inspiration you are a tempting old soul. Always lingering so close to touch, but then dancing away like a fairy on a nectar buzz, but not this time. This time, I have you held close, bundled up in my mind of a crafty writers ploy that I already know will work, and I am just so so happy.

Time to sit back and roll around in this feeling. I understand now why clean dogs roll around in the mud, because it’s this feeling, this wonderful feeling of knowing something that all I have to do is enjoy it. Well, welcome to my mud. Thanks for sharing the roll.

Oct 13 2018

Super sleepy today. Sleep has been a little bit of a tempting mistress lately, without much of a finish. Waking tired to be becoming the new norm.

Picked up the car from the dealership today, which of course meant returning the loaner. Pretty happy to have my car back. While I would really like to have a new vehicle, a plug in hybrid that does not yet exist, I do enjoy the lack of a car payment, the desire for the one not exceeding the enjoyment of the other, coupled at this time with the lack of a car to suit my wants with needs. My car is no longer “sick”, now its time to work on the cosmetic things that need a bit of tweaking to make it more appealing of a raid.

Today was the concert for my niece, which I wasn’t able to attend. Wasn’t feeling great, and decided going out to a strange place with alot of other strange people in heat was probably not the smartest thing for me to do. This did mean however, that I missed seeing her get into the finales, and perform for that honor as well. Maybe another time the event will afford me the chance to attend.

I made the fat bombs today that Phil has typically been making for me. They are a nice thing to have around, and I’ve been out for a couple weeks now, so its quite nice to be stocked up on them again, and to have had the experience of actually making them myself. I feel I can definitely replicate these now on my own with out guidance or supervision. Tomorrow we will make the fat head dough which we use for the keto pizzas. Its all very exciting.

I have been watching the big bang theory, working my way through the show from the beginning. Its a show that has been on my long term radar for a long while, but the spark of interest suddenly blossomed into a flower of intrigue enough to get me motivated to watch it. Its pretty entertaining, and I find myself laughing alot watching these episodes. Still working my way through elementary also – LL just always makes me smile.

Have been seeking some source of physical inspiration lately. Some eye candy I can watch work out inspiring me to want to work out also. Someone that has a down to earth no nonsense approach that is refreshing, and yet uncomplicated enough for me to feel strong enough to follow through on the idea. Still seeking.

Oct 12 2018

Today started pretty late for me, but that was due to a long night of conquering the universe. Sometimes, its just really great to get out of my head and into the head of something else, and just relax. It was pretty fun, and lasted probably later than it should have been I kept “just one more just one more” and suddenly it was 6:30.

Six hours of sleep seems to be my “go to” amount – I don’t know if this is healthy, sometimes my body wants to sleep more, but usually that’s on days when I have obligations that require that I not. Its an interesting thing for me to contemplate, that on days when I could sleep as late as I desire, often times, I find myself invigorated and thriving to start the day.

Today started with some water, and coffee, like most do. A little breathing and introspection, then distraction and a start to cleaning up things around the house.

Its a good day so far, I remembered a few of the things that I needed to get done, and have actually accomplished them. Small victories seem to brighten my head quite a bit.

Now if I could only manage to put some time into some of the larger victories. I feel they would provide more bang for the buck.

Pretty excited about tomorrow, here is hoping it goes as planned.
Although to be honest, even if plans fail its still one of those things where the effort will be partially its own reward.

Its been a week of ups and downs, trying to focus more on the ups and allow the downs to take care of themselves. They seem to be able to do this most of the time, and I don’t need to own them when they are not my own. Its rather freeing to realize that I don’t need to worry about other peoples things, only my things, and even then, I don’t really need to worry.

Its becoming easier and easier to just let things go, and let things be.

Oct 11 2018

New day, new format, new thoughts.

Today its clear, after so many days of rain in a row. I’m not sure if I prefer the rain or the clear, but I very much enjoy the change from the one to the other. Its also significantly cooler today, fall having fallen, this I love. I love the cooler weather, when the windows can be opened, and fresh air pours through the house with the sound of the windchimes, the birds, and just the general breeze fluttering about in the air.

I really enjoy most everything about fall. Its cornucopia of holidays, all about getting together with loves ones, and sharing goodwill. The falling of the foliage, bringing its brightness of red shaded colors. Cool nights, for cuddling, and wrapping up in a package of warmth. Delectable dishes out of pumpkin and the smelling of cinnamon and cloves wafting through the air.

As a part of my healing therapy, I’ve decided to try incorporating some daily writing into my routine. It can be a place for me to be comfortable and speak the thoughts that are rattling around in my brain.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that my new mantra is an old one that has been resonate throughout my life – Carpe Diem.

Today the car is at the dealership to get repaired, and the thought crossed my mind, as I drove home in the lexus loaner car, that maybe after 12 years, its time for a new car. I know this idea or concept will be very much lost on P, but it is a thought that crossed my mind, and I regarded it with careful consideration. It seems to stem more from a restlessness inside my head, a desire to “make something new” to allow me to feel like conditions are changing.

Along this same thought was another of its ilk, of the fact that perhaps its time for me to “put down my foot” and demand that alaskan cruise that we have been talking about for more than ten years. Glancing at ever so often, and fantasizing and pondering about here and there over time. But I realized, in the course of this thought popping up on the cusp of the other, that this is just another attempt of my mind to provide a diversion from dealing with the conditions that are at hand.

While its not at all that the idea of the trip to Alaska is repugnant, far from it. It is however, not something “I” actually want to do right now. Realizing that this is the case, that my mind gravitates towards things to escape, that aren’t’ even things I want to do, that afford me a target to be disappointed at, and allow me the luxury of a self pity party when they are rejected, is a humbling piece of knowledge.

There is many an opportunity for growth and development in these words, and I think thats enough introspection for today. Off to other adventures.

Tiny Bubbles

Hope Springs Eternal, has been an adage aptly applied to me my entire life, that is to say, I’m very good at being in a terrible situation, and finding the often unapparent bright side of it. I like happy endings. I live for them. I seek out inspirations daily for ways to bring happiness into less than bright places, finding light where there is very little or none.

Today, I went with my mom to a Yoga class, something I have been wanting to do since being diagnosed. I have a founders pass, which affords me the ability to attend classes, at any of the Yoga Yoga locations, and I can also bring a friend with me. While my mom is not the first person, truth be told she is one of the last, I’d have thought to go with me to these classes, she having her own health challenges at this time, making movement a challenge on the regular for her, and being unable to get down to the ground to do most of the poses. She however offered, and as I have been looking for a consistent person to be able to get me back and forth, I jumped at the chance. As expected, the class was incredible. It was just what I needed, I have been to this particular class in the past before, not often but it has always lifted my spirits, and aligned my mind, heart and body in just the correct way to allow me to remember the good things.

Today, I have my first session doing PT with S. I am both excited and apprehensive. I feel this will be a super positive inspiring thing for me to do, and will definitely align with my goals for progression, but I’m apprehensive that I won’t be able to do enough and she will become discouraged. While I recognize that these sessions are my time, and my compensation to her should be more than enough to dissuade any discouragement, its just something I am acutely aware of, particular at this present time.

It has never been an easy thing for me to crush someone else’s hope, as I strive so hard to inspire, that when the need or when I have been called to relay information that I knew would not be well received or would dampen someones spirit, it has always been extremely challenging for me. While I have done so, it has never felt quite right. I recognize that its a necessary part to play in the universal connectedness, some people must have these types of interactions in order to grow – myself included. Its just always made me very heart heavy when it was my turn to be the torch extinguisher.

I have alot of hopes riding on my upcoming trip to Seattle with R. We have a full itinerary mapped out, and I am going to need to work very hard these next few weeks in order to be sure my body will be up to the task of accomplishing this trip. Its very frequent right now that I feel super fatigued, and just exhausted.

There is also a visit scheduled this Friday at this place: https://www.kotsanisinstitute.com/ while my current doctor and medical team are unable to provide me with any hope for my condition, this place has the potential to offer me some alternatives to the regime I am currently on. They will also be supporting me in my diet shift. As soon as I was diagnosed I shifted my diet to a Ketogenic Diet, eliminating all processed and refined sugar from my diet, and restricting my carbs to lower carb vegetables exclusively. This was drastic, but it has had profound impacts on my overall health. I have since also solicited the involvement of my family and support team to do the same, as the energy and emotional support they provide, need to be from a pure and clean source as well.

It was quite eye opening to me, to recognize the fact that sugar is effectively poison to the body, while it is one potential source of fuel or energy, it is not the most efficient, nor is it the healthiest. It is the root cause of many disease, and the primary food source for all cancers. One of the first steps to starving cancer, and preventing its growth in your body is to eliminate all sugar from your diet. This has been echoed over and over in many of the books, articles and research studies I have read. It’s one of those lessons of information that I was not able to integrate into my mind a few years ago.

P and R have been great, we cleaned out our pantry and cabinets this week, and both were surprised at some of the things that had to go, due to having hidden sugar in them. Things we had least expected, like Italian Dressing… Vinegar and Oil right? Nope, Sugar was the fourth ingredient. Why, food industry do we need sugar in so many of these things?

Maybe this is something I will learn in my next life, as for this one, I’m just on the kick it to the curb bandwagon. No more sugar for me boys.

Expiration Dates

I remember, when I went into the doctor in January, the one I liked Dr. F, the surgeon who made me comfortable, and made me feel like a human being again. I remember her words, as she said “it looks like cancer to me” so matter of factly, I can hear her voice echoing in my head. I remember being angry, after seeing Dr J & Dr G to get confirmation that they – the “experts” didn’t believe it could possible be a return of the cancer. They provided me with reassurance, and I fell for it. I remember the relief of going to physical therapy – something I’ve done several times before in my life, and found value in. Something that had brought me comfort and relief in previous situations.

Going to the physical therapy, and feeling my condition, my overall health continue to diminish. Feeling like things were just not going the correct direction. Feeling like the changes I was making, struggling to move towards health were two steps backwards one step forward. Perpetually feeling like I was getting further and further away from the goal.

Feeling the pain begin to rise in my chest, feeling the aching and soreness become more and more frequent. Feeling it become more constant, feeling my meditation become less and less effective and diminishing the pain. Feeling my Reiki applications provide less and less comfort.

I remember the conversations with Dr M, her asking me “aren’t you afraid of the cancer coming back?” me answering her so matter-of-factly without any pause for thought “No, not at all……” and not realizing the impendingness of those dots.

I recall the feeling of anxiety at scheduling a follow up with Dr G after the pain had become constant, and none of my non medicinal efforts were having lasting enough effect for me to continue to get adequate sleep.  Having to stay up, until pure exhaustion, and finally deciding enough was enough, and going in to tell her that if this was normal for the diagnosis she provided, that it was time to discuss pain medication. Having her ask about doing a biopsy.

Waking from a nap the next day, after the biopsy, having missed a call with no voicemail from the doctor, and calling P to ask him, and him telling me that he was on the way home. Him telling me that we were going in to see Dr J, and that the biopsy confirmed that the cancer had returned.

Having Dr J explain to me that I had metastatic breast cancer, in a breast that wasn’t a breast at all, but a lump of reconstructed tissue where my breast had previously been, where the tumor of my former cancer had previously been. Having her order a Pet Scan, which further confirmed the worst, that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, and to several of my bones. Having her effectively express to me that I now had an expiration date.

Thinking of myself as a small pint of cream in the fridge. I had an expiration date. I would no longer be here in short order.

I recall thinking to myself how very odd this feeling was, of both relief, to finally have confirmed that there was something truly wrong with me, instead of being given lip service to the idea that I was doing okay and getting better. The relief of the fact that knowing you are dying just means you know that you have less time to spend doing things you don’t enjoy doing, and can focus more on the things that matter.

In the words of a favorite character of mine from World of Warcraft, Chen Stormstout, “Family. Friends. Food. These are what matter most.”

Mind songs

Doing this detox thing again, did one earlier in the year and plan to do two more throughout this year, its a year of getting back to healthy for me. In the first days of this one, as most detox’s are prone to do, i felt a little miserable. This particularly detox has me setting aside my passion for coffee for the three weeks, and as I have had a loving relationship with coffee for many many years, this is always a struggle. Fear not, coffee bean, old friend, I’ll return to your steady brew soon. For the moment however, for the sake of these three weeks, I have decided to continue my ever expanding passion with another beverage, the tea leaves.

Having exhausted my stash of green tea, it was time to venture to the local haunts for some new palette pleasures. My current “go to” tea shop is a great place calledGuan Yin Tea House They have a truly amazing selection of Chinese & Taiwanese teas. Its also been a pleasure in my explorations to spend a few hours at the tea bar, sampling a few different types, and making new friends for my day to day cup. This visit was no exception, the lovely lady behind the counter sat and we explored various varieties of tea. She was even able to finally endow me with a new found love of Puer tea. It has a rich boldness to it, that has layers of depth, and the particular one we sampled has become a part of my daily routine.

I’m in one of those periods and times of flux in my life, where upside down seems to be more the natural state then any other. Perpetually I am struck by the awe inspiring moments of others, and my heart is impassioned with a calming sense of serenity for all things in harmony within the universe. This is not to say that this state of flux is always a serene place, its not. Nor is it always the most comfortable place. But as I rejuvenate my chi, and my resilience. The universe has blessed me with overwhelming opportunities to experience joy and universal compassion. To connect, in small and subtle ways with everything around me. Whether its the strangers at a few hour sitting at a tea house, or the patients waiting at one of the doctors offices, or the cashier at the grocery store, or the attendant at the parking garage. The connectedness of all things, and all energy is so crystal clear to me, its staggeringly tiring and overwhelming in frequent moments. When I am surfing in the waves of the energy, just being there in the moment, its calming and I feel like I’m home, finally at peace. My mind perpetually has to analyze, when that peace calls upon my mind, my mind starts to take in all of the details, all of the aspects, and I come crashing down and pulled under in the tidal waves.

While I am not struggling so much these days for purpose, this I have in abundance, its not uncommon for direction to be something that is quite literally out of my control. I am enjoying this ride for now, until such point as it feels I have reached the destination I am seeking, where my purpose will find harmony and blissful peace will resonate within the places my body and mind chose to reside.