I made a thing…. well, several of them to be honest… I found in the course of one of my spiderweb adventures on the internet… a recipe: https://pinchofyum.com/feel-good-apple-muffins — I have to say the name of that webpage was pretty adorable, and the name of the recipe in particular – I was having an “off day” and those by the name alone struck me as “lets try it” — the recipe is “off” on the baking time ALOT – like it says 15 minutes, and unless they are using some cosmic oven that doesn’t exist…. no way those solidify in 15 minutes… mine took 50 minutes… that delta is pretty ridiculous.

I did not have high hopes for this recipe, but the actual action of “making them” made my general mood improve cause I had “done a thing” … however… those muffins are seriously addictive. Like… must eat muffins cookie monster style…. when I looked back at the recipe and did the evil thing of calorie counting – it was no surprise to me… they are basically a super sweet oatmeal that is baked…. whats not to love. It was however, worth mentioning that they are in fact correctly named as “feel good muffins” they do feel good.

Mine turned out super pretty and amazingly delicious and prep time was actually pretty accurate.

There is something satisfying for me about actually planning and doing a thing. It feels so so great, like reaching the top of a summit. “I’m here world, and I did a thing” … Mostly its a time when I feel good about patting myself on the back and being satisfied with my accomplishments.

Of course I have that little voice in my head that wants to try and tear myself down, and it immediately was like “these taste too good” there must be something bad for us in here… so I spent some time trying to figure out “what are these that they are bad” and just like everything else in life – when you go looking for trouble, you will always be able to find it. … Oatmeal is high in Manganese – something that in high quantities is shown to be good for cancer, bad for good cells.

Its interesting to me, that as strong as I feel, as dedicated to healing I feel… that there is still some crossing guard inside of me that is directing traffic the other direction….

There was an observation in the workshop thing recently when the discussions were on Intuition… about the fact that things are either logic, or they are intuition. In the past, I’ve had a few things that my intuition told me “these are not for you”…. and I’ve taken them out of my path…. these muffins, it wasn’t my intuition speaking ill of them, it was my logical side… and the amazing and harmful thing I’ve found about my logic is … it is literally possible to defend pretty much any position, given the correct amount of time and a universe of possibilities. This doesn’t make it “right” – but then “right” is completely subjective by my own values. I suppose its more appropriate, rather than calling it “right” as to call it… better attuned or in line with my goals and objectives. So its not so much right as “does this help me towards healing?” – these muffins do. Something in them my body just goes “YES! Finally!” – and its the healing part saying this… this time.

Chemo this week – chemo is always hard – was hard. It is very draining on my chi, which is very very draining and opens up my heart to “doubt” I try and guard against this, but that little web of doubt, creeps in and suddenly builds a nice nest for itself. Once its festering, its very very hard for me to pluck it out. — I pray, many times a day, for help with the physical but often its super easy for me to forget to pray for help with this, because in the moment of the doubt – it doesn’t exactly “feel” like doubt … it creeps up like an insipid fly – persistent and subtle as if its saying “no no, you don’t need to swat me” — I’ll have to remember to say “shoo fly don’t bother me” in the future.

For today, P took me on a drive – and there is a point in our drives, that I typically open the windows – because something about the wind is just … its part of my soul and it allows me to take a soul shower and become refreshed and renewed … thru a little thing like driving with the windows down…. Well I’m riding, and we are talking… and P says “Its time”… and I’m sorta questioning – because this is the phrase we use at home for “its time for a hug” … and he rolls down the windows… and as the wind hits my face, my body…. I start shaking and tears start streaming down my face…

I realize, as the doubt flies away… just soars out the window and is gone… and I feel my soul and heart clear and I feel the strength return, and I feel the anxiety and the tension that was in my body, just melt. … I feel this in the blink of an eye, and I’m just overcome with the emotion of the sensation. In an instant.

Some feelings defy words, but P asks me what’s wrong, because clearly, visible I’m overcome… and I struggle to express the mountain that I’m feeling into succinct expressions… because see, while I had the doubt, I hadn’t shared it…. I hadn’t given it the power, but I hadn’t gotten the support to be strong against it. … I try and express to him how I’m doing better, how its helpful… and I do an allegory for him – because the doubt doesn’t have any power, and I don’t need to talk about it anymore, because its gone…. but I want him to be unconcerned about my relief – I want him to be happy for me…. as I am, now again suddenly.

I always say we take our drives for P, but really they are for both of us… its not so much the drive as the experiences along the way that are more for me… but its also time we share together, that is free from all the “things” that hinder us during the normal day to day.

There is a peace with being without and with in all at the same time, and somehow these times culminate in that for both of us.