Helps the medicine go down…. Mary Poppins quote. So the time at home, with P around as a well busy with work but chaperone of sorts – its afforded me the time to do some projects that have sorely been needing done but for reason A or reason Y haven’t gotten done.

Went thru the gianormous – yes thats a new word I’m apparently creating – basket of Pup toys we had – since Starbuck really only plays with 2 – even though he has 6 out and about that ARENT in the basket.

So in the process of “going thru the basket” I realized there were alot of things not dog toys in it – like namely a collection of rocks I had from when I was spending more time focused on “feng shui” in my house – 9 rocks for the nine quadrants that are from my yard that are wrapped in a blue towel – because according to the appropriate precepts, my house is lacking a bit in the blue quadrant – so this was to help amplify it – but these had gotten buried under a ton of other found treasure, and then a literal ton of doggie toys.

We used to have 3 schipperkes – but two have passed on to the green pastures. Starbuck became very concerned when I gathered up all those other toys – he didn’t exactly want them but much like his father – he didn’t want me to throw them away. I opted to go with the concept of “wash them on sanitary setting and see what survives” – this way I could feasible blame the washer whilst at the same time getting rid of some old treasure that just didn’t need to be kept. I mean sure there are a few in that basket that were going in the “keepsake box” but not the majority.

Much to my surprise, all but 1 and it was already bound for the keepsake box, seemed to weather the super hot heat. Go figure. So now I have this ton of doggie toys – clean doggy toys – on top of my dryer waiting for the next avenue of the project. I have managed to get rid of a small broken basket and repurposed the large basket – and basically freed up a ton of space where this giant basket was living in my home.

Now on to the next projects, both of which I had already started but are sorta in a repetitive loop of “I can’t finish this atm for reason xyz” needing some input beyond just me to complete.

The bathroom closet project – which is all spread out neatly on a fold up table in my master bath. The project started after we ripped out the carpet with mold on the side wall – and I decided to “clear out the closet” — well there were a few things that obviously belonged in the closet, and a few things that obviously DID not belong in the closet, and now there is just the “rest” alot of which I feel should probably make it to the pitch pile but my partner in crime aka life – is a little less willing to part with things, and I feel that its in my best interest to let him take the lead most of the time. So this project waits, and waits… and maybe the rain will come down and wash it away – lol — doubtful but always a possiblity.

The kitchen sink project – not a euphemism in this case – we found a leak in the kitchen sink – which unfortunately had apparently been there for a long while, as it was fixed, but the board under the kitchen sink is now — well its a disaster – its green and rotting thru – which is quite inconvenient because my water filtration system “lives” under there and is effectively falling thru the rotting board. This cabinet was also a happy home to all my kitchen and living room cleaning pieces parts – you know the type of things like extra rags, soap products, sprays etc – and now they are all living in a cornucopia of mess on my kitchen table – the new “two people perpetually attending all our meals” – its like we have house guests that just won’t go home. Go away cleaning things – I know we need you – daily but can’t you go live somewhere else? if they can I haven’t found the home yet – best to let this project just live for a bit longer.

All in all the number of projects “completed” certainly outweighs the number in process – but its always the loud voice that is heard – and these are both loud as I see them everytime I go to the kitchen or the bathroom – which as one can imagine is pretty frequently – they have become my long lost adopted children. Its okay projects, I still love you even if you are the bane of my existence right now – I’ll get you finished soon.

On all the other fronts, its not raining so we are just enjoying the sun for today. I like being alive – it brings a smile to my face, and a smirk to my lips in a blissful sense of enjoyment.

Some songs – scratch that most songs – are so much better when you DON”T know what the lyrics mean. This song is one….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MmW_GOFS8I — Its recently been a get up in the morning anthem of mine – as its got a bebop enough beat to get my body dancing and ready for the day.

Chemo treatments are hard – this is the week of infinite tired… No amount of sleep is enough – I just feel the strong desire to live in the bed. Sleep what a daunting mistress you are… It feels better when I can sleep, and getting the rest feels better, but gosh I get so tired so fast. Nap time is soon!

There are alot of things that feel …. not good? I’m focusing on the things that are working right – and I’m alive. — Pearl Jams Alive keeps crossing my mind– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_Vyn5kGsy8 – although again, much better until you KNOW what the lyrics mean…

Have had so so many weird and off putting dreams – just the places I’ve traveled in my dreams are so far and wide and then some are just here in the house – quite odd.

Still waiting on fridge repair – its now becoming more and more frustrating – although also more and more like ‘well this is just life’ — I suppose thats kinda how I feel about cancer things….

Next week is the “testing” time again – its time for all the “check on this check on that” – Echo for my heart on friday, MRI on Tuesday, CT & bone scan on Wed – then I have to hold my breath and wait a week to find out how I did with the tests…..

I’ve been feeling alot like Alice in wonderland lately – except not the disney one the scary one version where its really an incredible dark place where she travels….. then I remember I’m secretly Dori and I “just keep swimming just keep swimming” –

I made Chai – this is one of those things that I’ve done for years, and I enjoy and there is something about making it and smelling it that is just therapeutic in a way that nothing else really is… It takes a wee bit of time to boil the water, and to clean the ginger, and to portion the other spices, but the pot and the stove top do most of the work – so mostly its about waiting – for 3 hours of slow rolling boil and then adding the tea, and turning it off and just enjoying. The spices always turn out great – I have honestly made it with no tea before and it still tastes pretty great but something about the really good Assam I have makes the spices sing in a way that they don’t without it – they have this symphony of song that just makes my body happy. I especially love to share this, and my mother and sister both enjoy it so its very great to be able to portion and share with them and just allow all of us to enjoy this tasty treat.

My thoughts have been like a rollercoaster of ups and downs lately. In talking to my psychologist about it, I realized that getting comfortable with the relaxed not “stress all the time” mode – the relaxed state – which has never felt normal to me in the past, but I’m working on it feeling normal – I’m somewhat in a condition where I’m dealing with all the boxes of emotions that my stressed state has just bottled up for another day. Basically Emo Alethia – where things make me sad, or joyous, or feel all of these emotions in waves suddenly — these have roots in overflowing boxes of these feelings that I just neglected in the past.

Sadness is a releasing state, to allow things to pass out of my body, out of my mind and release me from its grips. Which honestly is kinda nice, because it feels pretty good after having a good cry over spilt milk, particularly when the cry is for something from years ago, and the milk didn’t really spill.

Every day I’m learning….

Had chemo on Thursday. Have been in a fog of absolute fatigue – the sort that just makes your body want nothing else but the bliss of the bed. Slept many many hours. Feel a bit better? How much is a bit? I don’t know, more than a tad?

We went for a drive today – one of the ones that P enjoys – around Granger Lake – pretty long drive. The wind usually feels so good to me, but we took the Silver car today – it has a much better stereo but it also has a less effective AC and its a tad warmer today and there was also a lot less breeze – Usually the lake and the area just have this incredible breeze even when its super hot, but not so much today. The drive is head clearing.

We listened to my favorite Pitbull playlist on Spotify – so many good empowering sounds. Had one of my coffees from Starbucks, the comfort of P’s favorite car, him driving me along, and just the tunes playing – all in all one of the good things.

We drove around a way he hadn’t driven – there are so many sneaky little bypaths in Texas – so many ways to get from point a to point b – we are always finding a new “path” — this seems like a thing with me in my life right now – finding a path.

Starbuck was quite put out that we took so long when we went out. He had a few buff buffs to get in when we got home. If he weren’t just a little too anxious we would have taken him with us.

This is the week of R&R – with just a few appts – before next week with the next set of scans. I’m optimistic but nervous, what if I’m wrong? It has happened many times in my life – its not so much that I doubt myself, its just I KNOW I’m not always right – and what if this is one of those times?

I have been getting randomly just overcome with sadness lately. We went to Hat Creek for breakfast this morning – they have this amazing sauerkraut – its just cravable. They were super busy – they had us all pulling up to wait for the orders – because they make EVERYTHING to order – when they delivered the food – they mixed up the cars. The sweet kid doing the delivery went to “reroute” the deliveries, attempting to bring us our delivery last – and P already knew – I wasn’t going to eat it – after it had been delivered to another car. For whatever reason, this made me overwhelmingly sad. Its proper etiquette, the guy “should” have taken all the orders back and remade them – but hey this is Texas, and we are usually just go with the flow, and under normal non pandemic, non cancer conditions – I’d have gone with the flow too…. But no way – I can’t eat something that could have been potentially exposed not by the restaurant staff, but by some other random person that wasn’t even wearing a mask.

Having to bring this to the attention of the kid doing the delivery – this made me cry. P did all the talking, but just made me sad – so many reasons – The kid “shouldn’t” have been redelivering – but I’m not his manager – There “shouldn’t” be a pandemic right now – and I “shouldn’t” have cancer… Life is what it is… I’m glad P expressed his concern, and they remade our food – but the sadness – it lingers.

I wish I knew why it lingers – driving thru this beautiful terrain – Texas has some amazing sights – its not mountains, its not oceans – its just wide open spaces – but there is some majesty in it and the simplistic comfort of it – Its taken me a while to understand and embrace this – but its easy to be overcome with it as we drive along.

I got to go see D’s new addition yesterday – the kitten formerly known as cheese – she is calling him “the little” right now – I think I’ll stick Panda Jr – he is just adorable – animals know things about people – Starbuck has been overly protective – and while Panda came up to tell him this new addition – to express his concerns to me – the kitten at first wanted NOTHING to do with me — I understood why – Panda explained I was “safe” and that I was part of the pride – or whatever it is that cats call their family – then the kitten came and was curious – but I didn’t get too close, as he is young enough to be all teeth and claws, and my skin is just waiting to bleed.

Chemo brain is just such a thing right now – words are just missing – its amusing to me the ones that I DON”T forget – like some random name of something or some place from years and years ago …. so so odd, this I can remember, but whether or not I took my meds — nah just out of the brain.

Have had some really odd amusing dreams lately – this chemo treatment makes my nose all stuffy – and I had this amusing dream about pulling a Yeast Roll out of my nose. Like I’ve had to mess with my nose to get the crusties out so I can “breath clearly” – but in the dream the crusties were a full on Logans style Yeast roll – it was like “good show lady good show”

Most of the dreams are in quick snippets – like a commercial more than a dream – not that I’m complaining – when you can get 12 hours of dreamless sleep its 100% a confirmation that your body is in NEED of rest – also the dark circles that were present under my eyes are starting to fade so thats a good sign too.

We had our fridge go out – not the freezer mind, that is still working, just the fridge – we called for service, and somehow thought it was the next day – it wasn’t it was the following week. P called and got them to escalate the service – How in this day and age is a fridge NOT a priority service?!? – so they came out two days later – the day before the holiday – and said “Oh its the fan, that blows the cool air up from the freezer thats broken – we will get approval and then order the part” – so long and short is that it will take LONGER to fix than the original service request, but I suppose that means a week sooner than it would have been if we had just waited for first service request – maybe.

Its an amusing day and age when you could totally get a brand new fridge the next day, but service takes weeks. Guess we really are a disposable society. How can it be faster/easier to get a new one than fix an existing one? — I mean I like my fridge.

It did provide an opportunity – to completely scrub out the fridge – which its a happy clean fridge now – look great and smells fresh and clean. Too bad its still 65 inside lol – the first day I tried to treat it like an “ice box” — I mean they were called this in the past right? I’m not making this up? — but it melted the bags of ice I had in like 2 hours — so this was a no go. Cleaning out the food that spoiled in it was hard. I hate when food goes to waste. Hurts my heart. It also didn’t help that we had gotten delivery — both P & I of our weekly groceries the day the fridge broke — but we didn’t notice it till the next day. At this point its on its way to final resolution, so I can be finally less sad about this one.

So many good things in life. Waking up to the sunshine. Friends and extended family to talk and remote celebrate a holiday. Tasty foods, available from so many sources. Coffee – thank god for coffee – people working to service it to me fresh, hot and tasty. A great husband, loving and willing to spend time with me in a car – even when I get randomly weepy – willing to shuttle me around to things that will make me happy. Time. Fresh Water, Safe spaces, Clean Air – all of these things that are real, there and easily taken for granted. Thank you, universe, god and other humans for being part of my world, and educating me to the good things in life.