Some songs – scratch that most songs – are so much better when you DON”T know what the lyrics mean. This song is one….. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MmW_GOFS8I — Its recently been a get up in the morning anthem of mine – as its got a bebop enough beat to get my body dancing and ready for the day.

Chemo treatments are hard – this is the week of infinite tired… No amount of sleep is enough – I just feel the strong desire to live in the bed. Sleep what a daunting mistress you are… It feels better when I can sleep, and getting the rest feels better, but gosh I get so tired so fast. Nap time is soon!

There are alot of things that feel …. not good? I’m focusing on the things that are working right – and I’m alive. — Pearl Jams Alive keeps crossing my mind– https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_Vyn5kGsy8 – although again, much better until you KNOW what the lyrics mean…

Have had so so many weird and off putting dreams – just the places I’ve traveled in my dreams are so far and wide and then some are just here in the house – quite odd.

Still waiting on fridge repair – its now becoming more and more frustrating – although also more and more like ‘well this is just life’ — I suppose thats kinda how I feel about cancer things….

Next week is the “testing” time again – its time for all the “check on this check on that” – Echo for my heart on friday, MRI on Tuesday, CT & bone scan on Wed – then I have to hold my breath and wait a week to find out how I did with the tests…..

I’ve been feeling alot like Alice in wonderland lately – except not the disney one the scary one version where its really an incredible dark place where she travels….. then I remember I’m secretly Dori and I “just keep swimming just keep swimming” –

I made Chai – this is one of those things that I’ve done for years, and I enjoy and there is something about making it and smelling it that is just therapeutic in a way that nothing else really is… It takes a wee bit of time to boil the water, and to clean the ginger, and to portion the other spices, but the pot and the stove top do most of the work – so mostly its about waiting – for 3 hours of slow rolling boil and then adding the tea, and turning it off and just enjoying. The spices always turn out great – I have honestly made it with no tea before and it still tastes pretty great but something about the really good Assam I have makes the spices sing in a way that they don’t without it – they have this symphony of song that just makes my body happy. I especially love to share this, and my mother and sister both enjoy it so its very great to be able to portion and share with them and just allow all of us to enjoy this tasty treat.

My thoughts have been like a rollercoaster of ups and downs lately. In talking to my psychologist about it, I realized that getting comfortable with the relaxed not “stress all the time” mode – the relaxed state – which has never felt normal to me in the past, but I’m working on it feeling normal – I’m somewhat in a condition where I’m dealing with all the boxes of emotions that my stressed state has just bottled up for another day. Basically Emo Alethia – where things make me sad, or joyous, or feel all of these emotions in waves suddenly — these have roots in overflowing boxes of these feelings that I just neglected in the past.

Sadness is a releasing state, to allow things to pass out of my body, out of my mind and release me from its grips. Which honestly is kinda nice, because it feels pretty good after having a good cry over spilt milk, particularly when the cry is for something from years ago, and the milk didn’t really spill.

Every day I’m learning….