Had chemo on Thursday. Have been in a fog of absolute fatigue – the sort that just makes your body want nothing else but the bliss of the bed. Slept many many hours. Feel a bit better? How much is a bit? I don’t know, more than a tad?

We went for a drive today – one of the ones that P enjoys – around Granger Lake – pretty long drive. The wind usually feels so good to me, but we took the Silver car today – it has a much better stereo but it also has a less effective AC and its a tad warmer today and there was also a lot less breeze – Usually the lake and the area just have this incredible breeze even when its super hot, but not so much today. The drive is head clearing.

We listened to my favorite Pitbull playlist on Spotify – so many good empowering sounds. Had one of my coffees from Starbucks, the comfort of P’s favorite car, him driving me along, and just the tunes playing – all in all one of the good things.

We drove around a way he hadn’t driven – there are so many sneaky little bypaths in Texas – so many ways to get from point a to point b – we are always finding a new “path” — this seems like a thing with me in my life right now – finding a path.

Starbuck was quite put out that we took so long when we went out. He had a few buff buffs to get in when we got home. If he weren’t just a little too anxious we would have taken him with us.

This is the week of R&R – with just a few appts – before next week with the next set of scans. I’m optimistic but nervous, what if I’m wrong? It has happened many times in my life – its not so much that I doubt myself, its just I KNOW I’m not always right – and what if this is one of those times?

I have been getting randomly just overcome with sadness lately. We went to Hat Creek for breakfast this morning – they have this amazing sauerkraut – its just cravable. They were super busy – they had us all pulling up to wait for the orders – because they make EVERYTHING to order – when they delivered the food – they mixed up the cars. The sweet kid doing the delivery went to “reroute” the deliveries, attempting to bring us our delivery last – and P already knew – I wasn’t going to eat it – after it had been delivered to another car. For whatever reason, this made me overwhelmingly sad. Its proper etiquette, the guy “should” have taken all the orders back and remade them – but hey this is Texas, and we are usually just go with the flow, and under normal non pandemic, non cancer conditions – I’d have gone with the flow too…. But no way – I can’t eat something that could have been potentially exposed not by the restaurant staff, but by some other random person that wasn’t even wearing a mask.

Having to bring this to the attention of the kid doing the delivery – this made me cry. P did all the talking, but just made me sad – so many reasons – The kid “shouldn’t” have been redelivering – but I’m not his manager – There “shouldn’t” be a pandemic right now – and I “shouldn’t” have cancer… Life is what it is… I’m glad P expressed his concern, and they remade our food – but the sadness – it lingers.

I wish I knew why it lingers – driving thru this beautiful terrain – Texas has some amazing sights – its not mountains, its not oceans – its just wide open spaces – but there is some majesty in it and the simplistic comfort of it – Its taken me a while to understand and embrace this – but its easy to be overcome with it as we drive along.

I got to go see D’s new addition yesterday – the kitten formerly known as cheese – she is calling him “the little” right now – I think I’ll stick Panda Jr – he is just adorable – animals know things about people – Starbuck has been overly protective – and while Panda came up to tell him this new addition – to express his concerns to me – the kitten at first wanted NOTHING to do with me — I understood why – Panda explained I was “safe” and that I was part of the pride – or whatever it is that cats call their family – then the kitten came and was curious – but I didn’t get too close, as he is young enough to be all teeth and claws, and my skin is just waiting to bleed.

Chemo brain is just such a thing right now – words are just missing – its amusing to me the ones that I DON”T forget – like some random name of something or some place from years and years ago …. so so odd, this I can remember, but whether or not I took my meds — nah just out of the brain.

Have had some really odd amusing dreams lately – this chemo treatment makes my nose all stuffy – and I had this amusing dream about pulling a Yeast Roll out of my nose. Like I’ve had to mess with my nose to get the crusties out so I can “breath clearly” – but in the dream the crusties were a full on Logans style Yeast roll – it was like “good show lady good show”

Most of the dreams are in quick snippets – like a commercial more than a dream – not that I’m complaining – when you can get 12 hours of dreamless sleep its 100% a confirmation that your body is in NEED of rest – also the dark circles that were present under my eyes are starting to fade so thats a good sign too.

We had our fridge go out – not the freezer mind, that is still working, just the fridge – we called for service, and somehow thought it was the next day – it wasn’t it was the following week. P called and got them to escalate the service – How in this day and age is a fridge NOT a priority service?!? – so they came out two days later – the day before the holiday – and said “Oh its the fan, that blows the cool air up from the freezer thats broken – we will get approval and then order the part” – so long and short is that it will take LONGER to fix than the original service request, but I suppose that means a week sooner than it would have been if we had just waited for first service request – maybe.

Its an amusing day and age when you could totally get a brand new fridge the next day, but service takes weeks. Guess we really are a disposable society. How can it be faster/easier to get a new one than fix an existing one? — I mean I like my fridge.

It did provide an opportunity – to completely scrub out the fridge – which its a happy clean fridge now – look great and smells fresh and clean. Too bad its still 65 inside lol – the first day I tried to treat it like an “ice box” — I mean they were called this in the past right? I’m not making this up? — but it melted the bags of ice I had in like 2 hours — so this was a no go. Cleaning out the food that spoiled in it was hard. I hate when food goes to waste. Hurts my heart. It also didn’t help that we had gotten delivery — both P & I of our weekly groceries the day the fridge broke — but we didn’t notice it till the next day. At this point its on its way to final resolution, so I can be finally less sad about this one.

So many good things in life. Waking up to the sunshine. Friends and extended family to talk and remote celebrate a holiday. Tasty foods, available from so many sources. Coffee – thank god for coffee – people working to service it to me fresh, hot and tasty. A great husband, loving and willing to spend time with me in a car – even when I get randomly weepy – willing to shuttle me around to things that will make me happy. Time. Fresh Water, Safe spaces, Clean Air – all of these things that are real, there and easily taken for granted. Thank you, universe, god and other humans for being part of my world, and educating me to the good things in life.