There are several stories that have been tinkering around in my head for years – none of them pervasive enough to say “write me write me” – to be more descriptive with this, there used to be about twice as many, but I have found that many of my story ideas, if I don’t act on them, apparently they have a life of their own, and someone else has taken up the mantle and written them – mostly doing a fine job. They were good to read. I don’t know if I’d have written them as well or as – well a story is a story – no matter how its conveyed. The general idea and thought is there, and the writing is just a matter like cleaning of someone getting off their arse and doing it.

I have failed at this for most of my life, but I think its time for me to stop failing, and actually win at this game. Write something down, and see how it turns out. Its a little tricky for me, because I don’t remember how some of these twist and turn, but thats okay – I know the story will lead me along the path to where it needs to be – stories are like that they have a life of their own and tend to guide you where they wish to belong.

One of the worst parts about writing these is the editing. Right now, my mind is cloudy. They call it chemo brain, but really its just a combination of chemicals and head things tossing and turning, fighting for who will reign supreme and some days I get good days, where I almost feel normal, and I can almost sense things as they should be aligned. Most days right now, reading is a struggle – even if its my own story, my own writing. Its like trying to make a functional story out of vegetable soup. Sure its somewhat possible but the exercise is one of a little more frustration, and by gosh who ate that A – I needed that!

There is an expression about excuses being like well, arse holes. Everyone has one, and this is so so true. Some of my excuse isn’t actually excuse, but it does feel like on good days that I “should” be doing some of this. Blogging helps – it releases a little of the pent up creative desire to “go go go” its like making a snack when you are hungry though – it satisfies for the moment, but deep down that rumble comes back alot sooner.

This week is a treatment week – on Thursday – that means while I’m a little anxious – mostly I know that this is a “good week” for things, and that the next two will most likely be filled with less great days, less days of joy and prosperity and inspirational motivation and activation energy.

Today I start this lecture series, and I also have an appt to talk about goals with an unusual source, I’ll let you know how it goes after. I am trying a week “off” with my psychologist. Since I knew this would be a good week, I am testing out the waters of taking my sessions with her to every other week. The sessions with her are one of my few, predictable self care activities that are schedules and expected – that I can look forward to — I’m much of a hedonist – always have been, and so I literally have litanies of self care things – however most are just random and haphazard – appts with docs are not. She helps, I always feel great afterward, and with the “times” as they are, I’m on the fence about if going to every two weeks is a good idea or a poor idea for this point of life.

There are so many good things going on right now, I’ve engaged with so many people that are learning and evolving as humans. There are so many beautiful artistic visions coming out of this rubble – its like when you trim the flowers and sure they look all like stubble, but then they bloom – and the plant is so much stronger overall, and the blooms are so much more vibrant, lavish and overall alive. I feel this is a perfect example of how life is right now, we are trimming off all that dead wood, and learning the best way to strengthen our branches, and our bodies are preparing for those incredible blooms to sprout. I have watched so many people become the butterflies when they have been stuck in “do I cocoon? mode for so so long – its inspiring.

There is that song that was in the movie with Will Smith – Danger is real, but fear is a choice — seeing so many people chose to be strong, to not embrace fear. Feeling this energy, this life, this spirit all over our society. Its truly an amazing thing. Its like we have all been stuck in this elevator that won’t move, and we have chosen to empower each other and know that the solution is coming.

Waxing poetic is a good way to avoid working on my stories 🙂 it feels great, and while I know 100% its true, it still gives me a good old fashion work thing I accomplished that wasn’t what the plan or intention was…. The best of intentions…. I think it was the road to hell that was paved with that… Probably its likely the road to heaven is also paved with it – doesn’t make any sense that they would have used the stones for one but not for the other.

There are some trips I have in the back of my mind for “this is where I’m going” – I want to go back to India, I want to go to Australia, and New Zealand – I want to walk across the San Francisco Bridge. – I want to go to Banff and Iceland – There are experiences I intend to have, places I intend to behold and wonder at their amazing presence. For now, gotta work thru these body things, and get myself strong.