A few months back I realized that these retests aren’t really much more than a progress report on my status for my doctor /partners in health. They aren’t my bosses, but more my coworkers/teammates, and these are a way of checking on our project status.

Somehow this “great” mindset, doesn’t really make me that much less nervous or stressed – but it does make me frame it in a way to see a value in it and recognize its not really powerful. Its a single datapoint – all of them. Into whats going on with my body.

Have MRI tomorrow and then CT & Bone scan Wed – all with contrast which will be icky. Overall I’m feeling tired still from the chemo, but its lifting a little day by day. These tests are – well historically – they will make me a little more tired – I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I get so stressed and concerned about them before – which I’m working very hard not to do. They provide a single data point, they do not define me or the state of my condition.

So many wheels turning with things in our society right now. Emotional, Physical, Political and just Social or Mental. – Everyone has an opinion, not many have a good source of facts – just a few sprinkled in like topping on a really good yogurt – not really necessary but they sure make things seem pretty…. or miserable – I suppose if you don’t enjoy yogurt.

P and I have been observing a phenomenon of …. how to put this – its like Lemony snicket of annoying — vs unfortunate things. They are REALLY annoying but they don’t impact the life of things that matters – atleast not for the long term. There are just so so many of them. I’ve been thinking that maybe these are the balance for all of the “good things” that are and will be coming. Gotta have the balance and geez if thats the case — THANK YOU For Fridges going out – because of all the kings horses and all the kings men its a much easier humpty dumpty to put back together than any of the alternatives.

I think I’m finally being able to — at my core or root — better understand the need to appreciate these annoying things – to be truly thankful for them. Its not that I need to give word or thought to what they could have been that might or WOULD have been so much worse, its just to recognize that they are small vs big – and to be so so thankful and to feel so blessed that I just have small ones to deal with – ones that are totally within my wheel house to resolve – all be it harder at this moment. But thank you so much universe for atleast giving me ones I CAN address right now, verses ones that I can’t.

There are – and have always been – just so so many blessings in my life. Blessings without number, positive happy things of a count like the stars – continuously increasing.

P has been telling me jokes lately – and some of them are just so left field but most are just so amusing they make me laugh out loud and he seems to enjoy the fact that he was able to get to do that.

I’m very happy for my health. For the Health of the people in my life, for the blessings of safety, health and happiness of my house and my family.