Healing, Learning

Expiration Dates

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I remember, when I went into the doctor in January, the one I liked Dr. F, the surgeon who made me comfortable, and made me feel like a human being again. I remember her words, as she said “it looks like cancer to me” so matter of factly, I can hear her voice echoing in my head. I remember being angry, after seeing Dr J & Dr G to get confirmation that they – the “experts” didn’t believe it could possible be a return of the cancer. They provided me with reassurance, and I fell for it. I remember the relief of going to physical therapy – something I’ve done several times before in my life, and found value in. Something that had brought me comfort and relief in previous situations.

Going to the physical therapy, and feeling my condition, my overall health continue to diminish. Feeling like things were just not going the correct direction. Feeling like the changes I was making, struggling to move towards health were two steps backwards one step forward. Perpetually feeling like I was getting further and further away from the goal.

Feeling the pain begin to rise in my chest, feeling the aching and soreness become more and more frequent. Feeling it become more constant, feeling my meditation become less and less effective and diminishing the pain. Feeling my Reiki applications provide less and less comfort.

I remember the conversations with Dr M, her asking me “aren’t you afraid of the cancer coming back?” me answering her so matter-of-factly without any pause for thought “No, not at all……” and not realizing the impendingness of those dots.

I recall the feeling of anxiety at scheduling a follow up with Dr G after the pain had become constant, and none of my non medicinal efforts were having lasting enough effect for me to continue to get adequate sleep.  Having to stay up, until pure exhaustion, and finally deciding enough was enough, and going in to tell her that if this was normal for the diagnosis she provided, that it was time to discuss pain medication. Having her ask about doing a biopsy.

Waking from a nap the next day, after the biopsy, having missed a call with no voicemail from the doctor, and calling P to ask him, and him telling me that he was on the way home. Him telling me that we were going in to see Dr J, and that the biopsy confirmed that the cancer had returned.

Having Dr J explain to me that I had metastatic breast cancer, in a breast that wasn’t a breast at all, but a lump of reconstructed tissue where my breast had previously been, where the tumor of my former cancer had previously been. Having her order a Pet Scan, which further confirmed the worst, that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, and to several of my bones. Having her effectively express to me that I now had an expiration date.

Thinking of myself as a small pint of cream in the fridge. I had an expiration date. I would no longer be here in short order.

I recall thinking to myself how very odd this feeling was, of both relief, to finally have confirmed that there was something truly wrong with me, instead of being given lip service to the idea that I was doing okay and getting better. The relief of the fact that knowing you are dying just means you know that you have less time to spend doing things you don’t enjoy doing, and can focus more on the things that matter.

In the words of a favorite character of mine from World of Warcraft, Chen Stormstout, “Family. Friends. Food. These are what matter most.”

Learning

Mind songs

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Doing this detox thing again, did one earlier in the year and plan to do two more throughout this year, its a year of getting back to healthy for me. In the first days of this one, as most detox’s are prone to do, i felt a little miserable. This particularly detox has me setting aside my passion for coffee for the three weeks, and as I have had a loving relationship with coffee for many many years, this is always a struggle. Fear not, coffee bean, old friend, I’ll return to your steady brew soon. For the moment however, for the sake of these three weeks, I have decided to continue my ever expanding passion with another beverage, the tea leaves.

Having exhausted my stash of green tea, it was time to venture to the local haunts for some new palette pleasures. My current “go to” tea shop is a great place calledGuan Yin Tea House They have a truly amazing selection of Chinese & Taiwanese teas. Its also been a pleasure in my explorations to spend a few hours at the tea bar, sampling a few different types, and making new friends for my day to day cup. This visit was no exception, the lovely lady behind the counter sat and we explored various varieties of tea. She was even able to finally endow me with a new found love of Puer tea. It has a rich boldness to it, that has layers of depth, and the particular one we sampled has become a part of my daily routine.

I’m in one of those periods and times of flux in my life, where upside down seems to be more the natural state then any other. Perpetually I am struck by the awe inspiring moments of others, and my heart is impassioned with a calming sense of serenity for all things in harmony within the universe. This is not to say that this state of flux is always a serene place, its not. Nor is it always the most comfortable place. But as I rejuvenate my chi, and my resilience. The universe has blessed me with overwhelming opportunities to experience joy and universal compassion. To connect, in small and subtle ways with everything around me. Whether its the strangers at a few hour sitting at a tea house, or the patients waiting at one of the doctors offices, or the cashier at the grocery store, or the attendant at the parking garage. The connectedness of all things, and all energy is so crystal clear to me, its staggeringly tiring and overwhelming in frequent moments. When I am surfing in the waves of the energy, just being there in the moment, its calming and I feel like I’m home, finally at peace. My mind perpetually has to analyze, when that peace calls upon my mind, my mind starts to take in all of the details, all of the aspects, and I come crashing down and pulled under in the tidal waves.

While I am not struggling so much these days for purpose, this I have in abundance, its not uncommon for direction to be something that is quite literally out of my control. I am enjoying this ride for now, until such point as it feels I have reached the destination I am seeking, where my purpose will find harmony and blissful peace will resonate within the places my body and mind chose to reside.

Learning

Day of Peace – Day of Amnesty – Day of Puff Puff Pass

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I’ve mentioned many times in the past, in this blog, and in many many places – music is life. For me, its one of the most soul touching artistic expressions. I don’t write music… really, although I have dabbled, I don’t really sing music… much. But something about music, just sort of makes my spirit light, and happy. There are quite a few artists that just seem to be able to make my hips sway, and my body swoon, as I connect to the pulse that they gave birth to in the compilation. I believe things happen in threes in the universe, its just the nature for me of beginnings, and endings. P started my day by telling me the news that Avicii passed away today. A very inspiring young artist of music, snuffed out. While I recognize that all of life is fleeting; perhaps more than the average person, and that the breath every breath we take is priceless. To say this saddens me is somewhat limiting. Many of the icons of music, the pillars that stand as beacons for the cosmic muses of the ethers, channels for the spirit of music to flow through to the rest of us, they are aging. There are many talented singers, and a few talented song writers, but in the younger musicians there have not been many that were as promising to understanding the ebb and flow of that addiction that is music, the way that Avicii seemed to… seemed to appreciate it. Now, his spirit goes on, and his work will be what it was, during is life. And maybe the muses will birth another to take his place on the up and climbing rise.

This posted, actually started with me intending to give thanks, to my bliss, two of my favorite musical muses released a combined album today. Inspired by the times, and the same heart song that has resonated with each of them for decades. And as would be expected from both of these icons of music, the album is ridiculous, and incredible. They had released teaser songs a few months back, and those were well received, and now the full album comes out – today, 4/20. So so serendipity. The album is just so much a touchstone, a way to reach in and touch that muse that so inspires all of music. Its just great for dance, for love, for chill and generally for just back drop music for life.

Had an interesting conversation with my PT yesterday, about inspirations, and I realized part of why I’m struggling to get on the path where I should be, to walk along the path. Instead of ambling along the edges, poking in and out of the path with the comfort and casualness of youth, instead of trodding confidently along this path, this direction that I know is correct. Is due in significant part, to a lack of inspiration. In talking with her, I realized I’m seeking inspiration. This is a call to the universe to spam me with the kind of inspiration I need, to get the job done. To push down the course with happiness and grace.

Learning

Whether or not the weather will wither

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Heads in a weird odd place. Finding myself grouchy recently, at a frequency disproportionate to other times in my life. While I am certain that there are several root causes for this, as well as likely fairly reasonable explanations, right now they are obscured. 

This is tending to manifest itself in lash outs, and temper tantrums disproportionate to the source. Which of course, leads me to need to tuck my tail and apologize for inappropriate behavior, which seems to be acerbating the issue. This only evident from the factor that I have caught myself feeling angry at myself when I have to apologize, after realizing that the apology, in addition to being heartfelt and necessary, is just another symptom of whatever this is that I’m experiencing. 

P made a comment the other day that he is feeling the strong desire to throw a trip at me to get me out of this mood, we laughed about this, since I had made the resolution to not travel this year. Which at the time seemed logical and appropriate, but now is seeming more and more like a challenging struggle of mind over will. 

Interesting thought the other day with regards to setting priorities in order. Had cause to be referred to a book about “how to decluttter your life”… which I skimmed, to decide if it would be a fit for me and my life. The book had all sorts of accolades, and alot of feedback, both positive and negative. In skimming, I realized that while the approach had alot of merit, and value, it wasn’t a good method for me personally, although I did reference it to several of the other people in my life whom it might be a better fit. The general summary of the book was that if things in your life don’t bring you joy, you need to show them the door. This particular book wants an all or nothing approach. All or nothing being a quick, burn it or lance it at the source type of transition. While I recognize the value in doing this, being a fire sign its my general mode of action, however when it comes to this point in my life, and the circumstances of my situation, this is not the best course of action. 

To this end, I did start making some small shifts, minor things, and they were immediate visible, palpable, and generally helpful. They did not however, get rid of this simmer that is in my soul right now. Its this general feeling of outrage, without a clear evident source. 

Both this decluttering, and generally seeking the source of this issue, has driven me to assess some of my basic priorities and goals. This sparked an interesting exchange between R & I and also P & I — The question that I posed to set off this conversation, if you knew without any doubt, that you would die two years from now, what would you do or want to be doing? As in, if you had some foreknowledge that your life would be over in two years, what would you be working to ensure you finished or accomplished or did before that time. The reason for the two year time frame, is that its long enough to prevent the type of arbitrary transitory types of things that would be likely to be on this list if the timeline was a month, a week, or a day… but short enough to actually bring about pause. Neither of them had a specific answer to give, which was both somewhat good, and somewhat bad. Good from the perspective, that if there is something clear and obvious on that list, and you are not currently planning for it now, then this is a sign that you are not in alignment with yourself. Bad from the perspective that uncertainty just added to this personal outrage feeling inside me, because I too, did not have a strong feeling or answer for this. 

The only thing that came to mind for me, which was noted and added to the list, was that of all the trips I would like to do or have in the “near times”, the only ones that would make this two year list are the grand canyon and mount rushmore. Making this an easy shift for change, and discussions were had regarding how to make these trips happen sooner. 

Was hoping that starting up this blog again, would help me clear some of this whatever it is, so this is a start, and I’m done with this one for now. 

Healing, Learning

P.O.P.S. – and other types of tools.

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Anyone that knows me, or meets me for that matter, within a very short period of time, will likely learn that I think alot. This coupled with talking alot generally equal an extremely social person. This is not to say that I’m especially an extrovert, more what I’ve come to learn is ambivert, but that’s a subject for a different posting. This posting is about a thing I’ve been doing, going through and generally learning about and from.

Last year I was diagnosed with and subsequently treated for breast cancer. I’ve been struggling to come to peace with the fact that from a western medicine perspective, once you have cancer its like a permanent stigma that stays with you forever. Being unable to process and deal with this diagnosis, and reality, I decided to give my tumor a nickname and a code name as a coping mechanism. For me, life is about making things fun – and I sure as heck wasn’t going to have to deal with this without making it fun. So my Tumor was named: Purple Opportunistic Pirate Squirrel, or “POPS” for short.

It was and has been an intense year. I learned a great deal about myself, the limits I am actually capable of, of life and death, and of misery. Of human condition, and what matters. While its not a condition I would chose to experience again, it has been an enlightening journey, and I feel like I am a better stronger person now coming through the other side. I’m not finished yet, still have a few more treatments to go through, and then the building back the empire of me in the post-pops reality. That being said, I feel its is a good time to give pause and express a few things.

Gratitude. The many resources that creeped through my life over the past year, both emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically. There were many many down times, but there were also many unexpected up times. Amazing moments of Joy within the ample periods of growth and struggle.

Awe. This experience has been awe inspiring in many ways. Some of them in a light of disillusionment, disheartening, but also many of them in the sheer compassion of so many individuals. Inspirational in the compassion and drive and dedication to helping that so many people have afforded me throughout this experience.

Diversion, Fantasy, Learning

Dijinn

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He wore blue jeans. This was the sight that struck me first, I don’t know exactly why this is, but he certainly would not have been what I had expected – having studied Arabian Nights and Arabic lore and mythology for many years. He stretched his arms, coppery and muscular, but in a soft way – the muscles down his bare chest were also quite muscular, but they looked plump and soft, leaving no doubt of the strength they possessed, but still giving a subtle elegance to his visage.

The faded denim wasn’t the only adornment on this fit well toned tan and mischievous looking figure before me, he also wore a thin gold braid in the shape of leaves of an odd shaped tree wrapping around the bicep of his left arm, and two thick plain looking gold bands around both wrists.

Stretching his arms, and yawning, he chuckled softly as I realized suddenly my mouth was hanging open, and his sultry voice spoke evenly, as he winked at me. He took me in from head to toe before seeing the old lantern held still in my hand, and speaking “As a servant to the lamp, to its holder I will grant, three wishes. Chose wisely.”

My breath caught in my throat, hearing him speak the words, this was the moment of truth for me, as the lamp had been given to me by a high school English teacher many years ago. After a week long study, many class discussions, and a debate what three wishes one would chose from a Dijnn. I remember the professor smiling as he took me aside at the end of the module, and placed the lamp in a silk pouch, and handed it to me. He said I had “won” the debate; being the only one in the class that had been completely aghast at the aspect that wishes would be granted by an all powerful being that was a slave to the whims of a mortal in possession of an antiquity, I had chosen to take the side in the debate of using the wishes in a humanitarian method.

The choice was a simple one to me, and as my thoughts cleared from memories of that long ago essay, I spoke the words that would forever change my life. “All powerful being, I take my boon and selflessly grant it back to you, freedom is yours my wishes are yours, may you walk among mortals once more.” Lowering my voice, I repeated the chant again in the Arabic, and slowly lastly in the Sanskrit, the three languages we had studied and I had utilized in my debate and essay so many years before.

The Dijinn, blinked, and his jaw dropped open. He looked me up and down, reaching out a hand tentatively towards me, and recoiling almost as if in awe or horror, the look of transfixed shock crossing his face. As the last words slipped from my tongue, the golden bracelets around his wrists cracked wide and open as they fell to the floor, the lamp burst into flames in my hands as it quickly burned out and turned to ash. His eyes locked onto mine, his face turned contemplative, and his eyes narrowed cat like, we locked eyes. and he began to circle my body in a slow methodical movement.

“What have you done, mortal” his voice on the edge of a combination of seething and awe. “Is this some fool ruse, did that camel merchant ancestry put you up to this”

I did not blink, I continued to hold his gaze and smiled sweetly, responding clearly, the words slipping out quickly, in utterance as is my normal blundering fashion for stating the obvious; “I set you free.” My voice trailing off at the end, as the heaviness of having freed an immortal, a magical creature started to sink into my core, my eyes drifted down and I watched his chest breath in and out with the slightest of movement, his breath so controlled, like the rest of his body, poised at that precise point between relaxed and controlled. Having left his gaze I did not see his eyes soften as he looked at me, his hand rising up so quickly I failed to notice, as he touched my cheek.

“Child, what is your name?” His voice soft and methodical, like a lyric sound pulsing through my head, his touch warm and cool and feeling, his words echoing with the sing song melody of magic through my core. “Lahnie,” I whispered grasping for breath, unable to contain the words from pouring out in response, in desire to please this being, “Lahnie Vale”

His hand cupping my chin and pulling my gaze back up to meet his eyes, as my body felt his magic course through his touch, feeling and touching me from the depths of my soul, before it just stopped, pulling back like a frightened beast, the torrent that had seconds before rolled over my body, suddenly ceasing as I swayed and his hand released me and his grip slide down to my shoulders to steady me, as I felt him lean forward and kiss my forehead.

He sighed loudly, and spoke softer now, without the magic behind the words, “I had not believed it was possible for you to exist, had not dared to hope.” His grip on my shoulders firm and almost painful, as he slide his hands down to my waist and he leaned in and kissed my forehead in a gesture of fatherly type love. “I mark you Lahnie Vale, as mine. Your words were pure, your intent devoid of any intent save compassion, and that has broken the centuries of chains that have bound me. You have given up your few three wishes, but in the place of those you have gained three things from me, my mark, my trust, and my boon.”

Pulling back from the Dijinn, suddenly fear overtaking me, I turned to run afraid from his words, knowing from all my readings that the words of a Dijinn are always magic, are always potently powerful and always rich with symbolism and gift or curse depending upon the mood of the particular immortal. Suddenly, the weight of what I had done in freeing this creature, and the words of my professor rang in my ears.

My unexpected motion shifted and his grip fell away and I sprinted away from him, he laughed, a loud bellowing sound, and his methodical loud bellow like a chorus of love ringing through all of the cells in my body, as I felt it rippling through me in such a pleasurable way, as I neared the door to the room, pulled it wide, and rushed out, closing it quickly behind me.

……………………………..

Books, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

The path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment and the rock in the shoe.

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So the title of this post makes me smile. I’ve come, more and more to realize as I grow, as I learn, as i evolve, that the rock in the shoe – the small annoyance that keeps blistering my feet; this IS the path to ultimate powerful spiritual fulfillment. Somehow its the ability to recognize that the rock is there, and what its providing, and to be happy and satisfied in that moment. To breath, and let it go, and in doing so, to realize that it slowed one down, and made one more accurately aware of all the other blissful things that were surrounding in that moment.

There have been multiple examples for me this week of some tools I have been given, provided that I am trying to use incorrectly. The most profound one for me is my mouth, my voice. Have always had a very strong internal voice, and the ability to call forth for the things that I need and the things that I want, but somewhere along this life, I was taught that if there was an expectation of someone providing it it was good to actually actively physically vocalize that need, that want. The lessons I’m being taught now; the lessons I’m struggling with, is the knowledge that while this tool of vocalizing is effective, it is also redundant, and many times elicits much more of a struggle than there need be in obtaining the things that I need.

This time in history, this day and age, people are for the most part open. The energy is flowing at a rapid rate, and things are provided according to needs, and desires. Vocalizing these needs and desires, not only creates the potential for struggle, it also creates the potential for misinterpretation, and conflict. While its appropriate some of the times, for the most part for me right now, the things I need, the things I most want in life; its counter productive. It is pushing those very things further away.

Finally set some goals for myself for the next period of time, and I’m happily on the path towards them. They require tolerance, patience, confidence, and creativity – all skills I possess in great abundance. In awakening to the awareness above, it has been as if a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel lighter. I feel happier. This does not mean or maintain that every desire of my heart will be granted to me, nor does it mean that all of my needs will spontaneously be met, but it does mean that I can relinquish the need to maintain control over these things, and in doing so, find enjoyment and contentment in the experience.

Techniques that I find for me work. Breathing. Its such a basic thing, such a fundamental thing, such a critical thing, and such an overlooked and wildly wickedly amazingly inspiring powerful tool. Its amazing how many disappointments, hurts, losses, fears, anxieties, struggles, conflicts, heartbreaks… just an extra breath, and then another, and then another, deep and profound breaths, pressing life force in and out of the lungs, feeling the lungs expand and contract, feeling the blood flow through empowered by the breath. Its amazing how comforting, and empowering that breath can be — While Love/compassion can overcome all trials, breath can overcome all emotions.

Its important for me to type things things out, to remind myself to use these techniques. The same as I’ve found myself teaching a few strategies, techniques, and simple information to a number of souls. Each time that I share some small insight, I have found that new layers of that insight swell and take root in my spirit, allowing me to even more deeper apply the lessons to my own life. This is not a path to enlightenment I would have imagined, but this is the path that I’m on, and I am blessed, and humbled and open to receiving further direction.

There have been many times in life when I have asked the universe to provide a teacher, some cosmic person with all of the answers to all of my questions, to direct and to guide me down this path. What I’ve come to realize is that all of the people that I have brought into my life at one time or another, they have been those teachers. My internal spirit is strong, it knows where the path lies, and it has guided me along this road through a weaving web of experience. This is not to claim perfection, more finally to claim understanding of the fact that I do not, in this lifetime require someone else as a leader to my self directed learning. The more I try and put people into this role, the more I will continue to find them to be human and lacking, verses gleaning the wisdom to which they have been led to provide. The time of my self reflection of all things past is rapidly coming to an end. it is too hard to stay centered in the present, by dwelling on the beauty and dregs of the past. Likewise, it is also too difficult to stay centered on the present, when one is tapping and delving into the promise or the potential of the future. The present moment is all I have, and I will be working harder to cherish it, to thrive in it, and to seek the beauty, love and wisdom in the moments.

Have always liked the expression that life is an hourglass with grains of sand that fall, its been a beautiful analogy for me for a long time, something visual for my mind to lock onto to try and realize the symbolism the import of that one moment of passing from the future to the past, that one instant in the center when time stands still and there is just being. There is also somewhat a flaw in this analogy, because in the awareness of the future leading to that moment, and in the awareness of the past of having been in that moment, there is a loss of the actual experience of being in that moment. That moment is all that matters, the rest, is inconsequential and is a distraction designed to do exactly what it is most effective at doing, keeping one from maintaining that state of blissful center in the moment.

Went to the movies yesterday with D; she went with me, because it was something I wanted to do with her. Specifically. When I arrived to pick her up, it became aware that things were not as they should be, so I lent her some of my Reiki to help bring her a little bit more harmony a little bit more balance. I was actually able to quiet my curiosity, my mind from bombarding her with questions trying to get to the bottom of the reason – to explain the why things were not right; as I was told quite acutely by my internal guides, that this was precisely the wrong thing to do in that moment – or any other for that matter. It was both this piece of information that brought me to awareness of the fact that I often; through simple curiosity – a trait I’ve often found to be one of my most favored, one of my strongest skills; pulled other people out of that place in the moment through over utilization of this curiosity. It was a humbling moment, and rather than dwell on the past experiences, I chose to nod at the knowledge, and to internalize it for application in future moments when it would be needed.

D seemed a little better, and the movie was fun.

Sometimes the books that come to me, are not meant for the moment when the book comes, but to be buried treasure for some point down the line, and my job is just to not struggle, and to embrace the book when it arrives, and gracefully wait until the time to read it. This is the case with the book I’m very much enjoying now. Its one I have struggled trying to read since it was first published, its been out more than 10 years now. Many times, I have picked up this book and put it down, and many times I have forgotten it completely. This time however, in the moments when I am finding great pleasure in enjoying it, its like it was written by me in this moment in time, at precisely the words my heart needs to speak. One of the quotes that most struck me today is the following “You have no idea how strong my love is!!!!!” — in the passage, the author is having a breakthrough moment passing out of the ego in meditation by taking the helm with that expression. While its not one I have personally utilized, it resonates so strongly with me today, for this moment in time.

Its funny to me that the most comforting things to me in all of life are so small and so seemingly innocuous – just like that small pebble in the shoe.

Health, Learning, Spiritual, Stream of Consciousness

Passions, Obsessions, Boundaries, Balance

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Where is that fine line between something to be passionate about, and crossing over to obsession?
How do I see the obsession and set the boundaries to keep my self from being caught in the tidal wave?
What boundaries do I build to keep balance?
Who decides if the balance is enough, if the passion is enough?

Having always had a tendency towards OCD; I don’t like doctors, think I’ve mentioned this a few times before. I like self analysis, and I know I have OCD tendencies. I have some tactics that work in somethings to just tell those negative voices to be silent. To just tell those spider web thoughts to calm down, to breath and to just trust to just believe. Sometimes these are effective, sometimes they are less effective.

I am a passionate person; its easy for me to say this being a Cardinal Fire Sign (Ares) – its not that I take astrology as gospel more that its a nice outline of a road map to what a person can have for tools, what will come naturally and harmoniously to the person. Cardinal Fire sign means I burn brightly, I burn hard and fast, I put all of myself into things, and when they are gone, when the ashes fall to the ground and dust, I’m alive and reborn and I reform like the phoenix and start over again. Fiery in the sky of light.

Tend to believe I am a good person. Good being a very very subjective word. I strive to harm little or none in my traipsing through gardens of life. Sometimes I’m more or less successful. Sometimes I blatantly violate someone unintentionally and spend hours, days, weeks, years analyzing how I could have missed that particular path, how I could have avoided it – this is where the OCD kicks in, and I have to silence those voices; remind myself I am human. Perfectly imperfect in every way, striving towards harmony and improvement, take the information out of the experience and allow the experience to fade. Sometimes this works very effectively, and I walk away feeling empowered, feeling at one and calm with the universe. Sometimes it does not.

Have noticed some patterns for when it does not work effectively. When I have fear. When I am afraid of losing something, precious, something quintessential or something valuable. it is much harder to silence those internal rants that make up the direction my passions take when they are not focused for good …. inject some quote here about with “ultimate power comes ultimate responsibility” — the ability to be so passionate, to throw all of myself into things does not necessarily mean that all of the things I through myself into with all of my being are “good”.

Temperance is a skill I’ve been trying to cultivate over recent years, and this blog is an attempt to allow myself to grow more temperance. I have something right now, that I am – for lack of another word – breaking. Due to the inability to find some way to silence the voices that are afraid of losing something. The irony is that pretty much the only way I will LOSE this particular thing is by not finding this temperance. Not finding this balance. I just feel lost.

I have been trying to write these things out, to write down these feelings to make decisions to stick by the decisions for how to handle this – and they are not working. I am not standing behind my suggestions, because I do not trust that they are the correct course of action. My internal voices are at war, they are fighting. So many voices all struggling for dominance.

Part of this is due to falling off the wagon with exercise, with meditation, with writing – all of these things help, allowing my true self to maintain dominance. Right now, the voices of self loathing, self worth, self esteem, courage, strength, pettiness, insecurity, these are all fighting internal battles, and there is no captain, no commander at the helm to raise a hand and silence the winds. The waters are burning, the boat is adrift. That dominant voice, is curled up in a little ball in the corner, sobbing.

See I realized something two weeks ago, I had a “come to Jesus” type of conversation, one of those internal conversations where you realize something of such great insurmountable importance that you can’t deny it. And the particular epiphany was profound for me on many levels. It was sad. So there is a large part of me that does not want to silence the wars, that does not want them to be quiet. I just want the whole place to burn down, and be done, so that I can be reborn and be the phoenix again.

The epiphany was that I had broken a rule. I had gone from loving to being in love with – the action portion of the verb – atleast this was the first part – and I know this seems silly, I look back over months, and I think, how could I have not noticed, known this was the case, my brain didn’t know. Worse, what I realized is not only did I break the rule, I had built a delusion around this in love with …. I had a whole fantasy within my mind of how things were, what things were, and where they were going. The epiphany was this being shattered. I was suddenly aware of my feelings, my actions, my false reality, the hypocrisy of it.

Of course, when you recognize you are on the wrong path, its very easy to sit down, write things out, and convince yourself that you need to move past this, you need to be the better person, make changes, step to the side, turn the other cheek so to speak – suffer in silence. I tried this, I wrote out my struggle, my feelings, and it helped for a heartbeat. A breath.

Then the self loathing, the not good enough laid waste to my plans, and then the self esteem, the self worth stepped in and the war started. Every moment, every breath every thought every action since then has been this torment of one side or the other. Maybe try this, Maybe try that – maybe this will make you feel better again, maybe this will fix things again.

I wrote out three other diatribes, to try and cleanse myself, to try and burn it out of my system. And the war actually over swelled even into the writing. Into the essence of that pure part of me. I felt it overcome me, and I retreated. There is this quiet place in the back of my mind. Its the place I go when I am in a very bad place.

I’m going to write this out now, it is not something I tend to share, I am hoping to reclaim myself by sharing this intimate part of me.

There is this overgrown stone pillar arch, it has vines growing up the sides, there is a single bench stone – so stained with mossy growth so as to be more green and lush than anything else. The sun shines in this place, lightly through a loft of trees that canopy the open ceiling. In cold of winter, which sometimes it is in this place, depending upon what I need at the moment I am here. In cold of winter, when the trees have no leaves, the sky the stars shine through here, and there is moonlight reflecting on a bird bath in one side of this gazebo of stone. It typically does not have water, except in the spring, sometimes in early summer, sometimes in fall, where the rains have filled it with water, sometimes the water is green – thriving with life, wild and random life.

There is a raised bowl like shape that sometimes has a fire burning in it, I don’t know exactly how it works, I just know it has fire sometimes, its a metal type bowl shape, and the fire sometimes has coals sometimes incense. Sometimes its just dark, or filled with ash. The wind nearly always rustles in the branches, the trees, sometimes blowing the fountain if its on, sometimes flickering the fire, always kissing the tree limbs. Sometimes there are birds here, sometimes there are not.

This is the place, where I go, typically in a white gown like robe, almost like a sheet, that drapes over both of my shoulders, it has gold trim on both sides left and right, and a single gold sash with tassels that hang loosely at my waist. Its long, down to my feet, and I’m always barefooted here, feeling the cool stone, laiden with moss, and dirty under my feet. The stone is always cool to the touch, even when the beams of sunlight shine in this place. Sometimes the gown is black, and the trim is a red color, it has been twice that I know of, when I came here needing some type of vengeance.

Most times, the gown is white, and I come here, seeking solace, seeking peace, and seeking council. Most of the time, I sit and I breath, and the wind kisses my cheeks, my shoulders, my neck and whispers to me calming thoughts, reminding me I am loved. The fountain sometimes bubbles and babbles with words of love and adoration – words of gratitude and inspiration.

The fire, crackles sometimes, warming, burning away all my anxiety, my self doubts, any feelings of negativity, purifying my spirit, and setting me back to a place of contentment with the knowledge of rebirth and rejuvenation. The earth is all around me, calming comforting, the trees bending in the canopy, with leaves falling softly to remind me that all of life is precious, my life is precious and that I am a child of the universe. Litanies of self value and self worth cascade over my spirit, filling me with love, filling me from the bottom of my feet, up my body, in through my heart, over my chest, in through my throat, my mouth cleaned and purified, my head and eyes and all of my senses, completely overwhelmed by the purity that exists in this place. The comfort, the harmony the balance. There is no war. There is no strife. They do not exist in this place. I am whole, I am beautiful, I am one with the world, and I am strong. There is no doubt. There is no lack, no hole to fill, I have everything I need, there is nothing for me to lose, because I have everything I have ever wanted, every needed, and it is all precious, I have nothing to fear, there is no loss.

All of the experiences, are just that experiences, they are precious both the happy the sad the painful, and in this place, I can see them as just that lessons and experiences. Purity in being, in soul. My soul is strong, and I have no need of anything else. My body is just a shell to hold my soul and allow me to have experiences. It will pass away, as will all things of the flesh, I should enjoy them or leave them as the whim strikes me, and know that staying true to this part of myself this purity is all I need to remember. There is no one that can hurt me, because I am beyond hurt. Hurt is an emotion, and I am pure spirit. I do not hurt, I can chose to feel pain, I can chose to feel remorse, worry, sadness, self doubt, pride, envy, or I can chose to shift all of those to happiness, confidence, trust, belief, the choice is completely up to me, in the end they are all just shards, and they will fade away. Only the true self, the spirit of purity, the energy will remain.

This peaceful place is always here, I just need to climb out from under the table, from out of the small floor in the bathroom and remember to go to this place, to be in this place. To remember the war is not real, its just another fantasy my mind has constructed to confuse me and make me forget the truth.

General, Health, Learning, Stream of Consciousness, Travel Journaling

Impressions of the Software Variety

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First day of Collaborate 2016 conference. This is a conference for my muggle job – the one that pays the bills.

The day started painfully early – this being any time I am required to rise before the sun – 4am being this “time” today.

Flight was scheduled to depart from Austin at 6:30am – this is the first time I’ve ever “not” arrived at the airport 2 hours prior. This was un-necessary stress that I will likely avoid in the future – it was not that there was any issue, or that the time was any less productive; it was just the stress of being nervous in the line for security, verses knowing that there was ample time. The feeling rushed to head to the gate verses ambling along down to the spot. The boarding being so quickly after arrival at the gate.

This flight was on SWA – an airline I tend to avoid due to the cattle call style seat assignments – this was the least expensive (by alot) option and best/direct flight. It was a no brainer, and a necessary evil for me. While I had looked at the option, and almost accidentally upgraded my seat to business class (491.00 additional charge at 5:35am when I had not had coffee – being as Starbucks had not been opened when I had passed them) it wasn’t really a viable option.

I’m guessing, that the fact that it was a Sunday morning, and so early – would the the reason that my flight was not entirely full – just mostly full. When I boarded, in boarding group B – even having paid the 15$ upgraded boarding – B55 – I headed for the very back of the plane – this was for two very distinctive reasons.

The first being my late arrival had prevented me from using the bathroom prior to boarding. And the second being that I wanted an aisle seat and the others were all taken. This also worked out well; as I normally check my bags so as not to navigate the airport with them, knowing the conference was starting half an hour before my arrival to the hotel, I wanted to be able to get to it as quickly as possible, and didn’t want the delay of waiting at baggage claim.

This small choice made for a synergistic combination – I exited the terminal and headed to pick up transport to the hotel. There was a shuttle, fairly reasonable priced, and I boarded. The very next lady to board was also hurrying along to the conference, and was also from Austin – she was also attending as her company is doing the same upgrade this year, and she also works in Finance.

The fates, as usual had been kind and blessed me with exactly the opportunity that I needed – someone to network with; that was super happy to have met someone so quickly with so many like circumstances.

I was charming – this was due to the fact that the shuttle driver had hit on me, and been very flirty and I had greatly enjoyed this attention – and the fact that I too felt the connection and kindship of meeting a fellow Texan/Austin attending for precisely the same reason.

We got to the Mandalay Bay hotel; and it was right around 8am. We headed through the gallery style entrance, and eventually winded our way over to reservations. I paid for the early check in on my reservation and was able to get into my room right away, this turned out to be quite a boon.

We headed over to registration and got checked into the conference and got our first batch of ribbons – hooked back up with my new conference BFF (hence forth known as D) – and we discussed the many many many options – we headed to Starbucks – there are 2 full Starbucks inside the hotel – as well as approximately 12 full restaurants, two food courts, several casinos, two full convention centers, an extensive beach, multiple show rooms, clubs and bars, shopping center and just general an incredible amount to see and experience all in the confines of the hotel itself. We discussed options, and attended divergent paths, in order to pool notes and share information.

~~ More notes here —

In hindsight, I wish I had continued to make detailed journal/logging like I did this first day, and wish I had finished the first day of information. This didn’t happen.

It was a great experience, the week was incredible valuable, uplifting and inspiring and I had the chance to engage and collaborate with so many different individuals from so many paths, so many companies, so many different experiences, all sharing the experiences with working with Oracle. I learned many things to help me with our transition.

More what I learned the most was that I need step out of the box experiences to rejuvenate. I need solo trips, where there is one purpose, and I am allowed to be completely spontaneous for everything else, because while this experience was exceptionally tiring, it was also very very uplifting to my spirit.