Last night we were flipping thru my Youtub subscriptions to find something P & I would both enjoy or atleast that I’d enjoy and wouldn’t drive him overlynuts.

Was in a weird mood and happened upon a couple I thought were good, but turned out not so much.

One of these was odd – it had “my boi” well one of them… Matthew M – and an interview where he was talking about his new book – which is kinda an auto biograph… where he talks about journaling since in his teens. This is something I could relate to – having journaled much of my childhood and into adulthood.

I think part of what broke the habit for me was losing a box of old journals to weather damage in the garage. It wasn’t the end of the world – they were just old writings…. But it was also the end of that.

This is kinda a feeling I haven’t really come to terms with – it was a loss and while it wasn’t overly large – it was also huge. The reconciliation my mind and body has taken – all these years was … enough of that, we will deal with this another time. I’m just not sure that other time will ever come, because I’m not sure how to make it be okay to lose this… yet I’m not sure how I feel about the loss all the same.

I wrote alot – I wrote poems, I wrote how I felt, I wrote stories… They were old friends. It wasn’t anything particularly valuable – I’m not a great writer – I just wrote. I do know this loss, was a tad profound in a small way. It eliminated trust in my ability to safeguard these things… These self expressions or feelings.

Sidegress. So the Youtube we started – I started a couple, including the MM one before I moved onto one by Simon Sinek – on one of his older books – the title of the session caught my eye/attention… Leaders Eat Last – I had forgotten having listened to books by him previously in seeing his name, because I’m usually not a person by name. This particularly video showed a presentation on the science behind hormones and leadership. Its incredible.

In such a brief period it had so much relevant information about this day, this age, this time – but also about things with myself. Both dealing with the anxiety, the stress, and the big C …. as well as old things…. like this feeling, for my old journals.

When I lost the feeling of safety back so long ago… the part of me that leads me… the part of my personality that “leads” the pack – lost the faith of the other parts – including the creative part of me. This explains why so many of the turns and turmoil in my life have happened.

Its particularly relevant for the time this occurred – early 20s. I shied away from journaling for many years. Away from writing. This was both exceptionally detrimental to me, and also an area of hypocrisy for me…. I have always and will always be the first to declare to everyone else how beneficial and easy journaling is….

Blogging is my current form of journaling – and its one of those funny things – back a few years ago – maybe 7 or so…. my blogs were almost lost this same way, and its part of why there are some gaps – why I couldn’t get myself to commit to the daily habit of this routine. The trust, and leadership elements are not minor, they are everything.

Now that I’m older, and have an understanding of these things, its alot easier to recognize these things, and to help coach myself in areas where I know I’m doing or shying from doing – as appropriate – the things that are most beneficial to me. Its easier to gently nudge myself back to the right path – with the cheerleader elements of my personality. Yeah Team!

Thank you Simon for being an excellent public speaker as well has having timely and poignant information.

Thank you universe for helping me improve and learning how best to help myself be the best person I can. Thank you for surrounding me with love and a wealth of people that care about me and remind me on the daily of my blessings. Thank you for my blessings.