Lyrics always come to me for titles, don’t ask why – just a song person – one of those people that somewhat breaths songs. There is this thing that I learned how to do back in middle school around 7th grade I believe. Circular breathing. I had understood the concept of it even earlier, with church choir, but it didn’t snap into place in my mind until I was working on a solo for a performance, and suddenly I realized I wasn’t exactly holding my breath, but I wasn’t breathing normally, I was somehow breathing as I was singing.

Its an interesting thing, circular breathing. Its breathing in and out as you talk or sing in a sense. Allowing the breath to control your vocal cords and somehow just facilitate the voice via exhalation and inhalation. Its something, I have done since that time, although I’ll confess I’m a horrible teacher of it, having a functional understanding, but not really a practical understanding of what precisely I’m doing with this technique.

I just know, it has allowed me to talk over people, and thru people, and perpetually go on talking and talking and talking without pause ad infinitum to the distress of others going “how is she still talking” Its an interesting tool with regards to debate.

Suffice to say, I feel quite strongly it has saved my life. Hard to explain this feeling, other than to say my lungs are quite strong with regards to breathing, and my body has in addition to a strong fight sense for survival, a good strong sense of how to control my breath for sustaining life.

I digress. This blog wasn’t about that at all, but more about the life part.

I’m feeling alot these days, strong feelings about life. About how its about joy. Doing the things that bring you joy, and happiness. Not to say that the other mundane things aren’t valuable, they are just significantly less important.

Was coaching a friend recently, on advice for life. I laugh at this, I am far from a poster child for how to live ones life, with the exception of the fact that I am spending my days fighting for the right to be included among the living. And most days, I’m more than winning, I am enjoying the day in the process.

Some things I have learned, thru intuition and thru specific non earthly messages. Control is an illusion, and the sooner I release and let it go, the better off I am as a whole, particularly in the health area. The less I aim to channel or focus things, the more flexible my healing skills and those healings directed at me, are more able actually help me in the way I need, verses the way I feel or think I need – which I too suffer from the common problem of getting in the way of what my intuition has told me, or I know I should be doing.

There is an irony in the fact that I drank the Kool-aid, and followed the Nancy Reagan adage of “say no to drugs” – having gone thru the bulk of my life completely avoiding drugs. The irony being the quantity of drugs I have experienced, been forced, coerced, recommended, and pleaded with to accept and endure, now years later. Sorry Nancy, the time to say no is over. Intuition has told me, if I want to cure cancer, I have to suck it up buttercup and just take what they are telling me. The upside is not all of them are horrible.

This new found feeling of strength I have, of realizing that my job is not to try and control things but to maintain my faith, my belief and stay strong in these things. When things happen, when other people bombard me with their “things” – Like the lady at Kerbey lane a bit back – my job is to embrace them, ask what I can do, and just move on. They are human, just like me, they are dealing with things, just like me, and it isn’t really personal, no matter how it feels in the moment. I shouldn’t accept it personally, and I should do what I can to help them understand that it’s okay, to let their “things” pass, and to do what I can to help them get back to joy faster. I think I finally in this moment, as I type this understand the mentality I tried to capture in India. That mentality that not only is it bad for ME on a spiritual level, but bad for universal harmony for anyone to not be in a place of happy joy. My part is to do whatever I can to help them get back there expeditiously, particularly if all it takes is listening humble with an empathetic ear. I can do this.

My brain is a weird place these days. So many things I felt were so important for so long, that took up so so much brain space, so many direct and important rivers of information, channels that were trod by my thoughts so frequently and repeatedly are just – well many of them are just gone. For a time, I was worried about this, but now – in my meditations I have come to realize they obviously weren’t serving me so them being unavailable or gone – whether temporarily or permanently is probably for the best. I do have to say growing up with adaptability being a underlying personality trait does have its advantages, particularly at moments and experiences such as these.

I take solace in the fact that learning new things has always been a passion for me, and the opportunity to relearn things I have known before is quite intriguing. It allows me the joy of the learning – particularly since I have memory of knowing it before, so I know I once before learned it, which both gives me confidence in my ability to master it again, and the fact that it really isn’t as new as it feels, while simultaneously being joyful for being new, fresh, and a skill I get to re integrate.

It can be a little frustrating to my friends and loved ones however, and this is a struggle for me, it makes me a little sad. It somehow makes them a little agitated, because I’m asking about things they KNOW I knew at one point. They know I could do at a point somewhere. I know they are right, and I can completely appreciate why it would be frustrating that I don’t understand or can’t complete the thing now. Their valid frustration makes me sad. It makes me realize that I have lost something, that although it is somewhat a cool puzzle for me, an opportunity to learn it better, to be stronger – well it makes them agitated, and that just makes me a little sad. Sad is the only emotion I can really express with it, because I just don’t have time for much else, and even with sad, this isn’t something I have control over – having released control and embraced that healing comes from being in the moment, from relinquishing. I know they understand, and will be patient, they are my friends and loved ones after all, but they are also human, and I’m human, and the human things are often messy, sticky and generally act first think later, and embrace the feeling last. For me at this moment the feeling is the first, and strongest.

I’ll get back to knowing how to do somethings, atleast I am hopeful I will, but gotta figure out what to do about the sad. Maybe I’ll find a channel for it. A wall to stick it on, so that it stays with me – all feelings are valid, even when they are sad – but doesn’t stick inside.