Hope Springs Eternal, has been an adage aptly applied to me my entire life, that is to say, I’m very good at being in a terrible situation, and finding the often unapparent bright side of it. I like happy endings. I live for them. I seek out inspirations daily for ways to bring happiness into less than bright places, finding light where there is very little or none.

Today, I went with my mom to a Yoga class, something I have been wanting to do since being diagnosed. I have a founders pass, which affords me the ability to attend classes, at any of the Yoga Yoga locations, and I can also bring a friend with me. While my mom is not the first person, truth be told she is one of the last, I’d have thought to go with me to these classes, she having her own health challenges at this time, making movement a challenge on the regular for her, and being unable to get down to the ground to do most of the poses. She however offered, and as I have been looking for a consistent person to be able to get me back and forth, I jumped at the chance. As expected, the class was incredible. It was just what I needed, I have been to this particular class in the past before, not often but it has always lifted my spirits, and aligned my mind, heart and body in just the correct way to allow me to remember the good things.

Today, I have my first session doing PT with S. I am both excited and apprehensive. I feel this will be a super positive inspiring thing for me to do, and will definitely align with my goals for progression, but I’m apprehensive that I won’t be able to do enough and she will become discouraged. While I recognize that these sessions are my time, and my compensation to her should be more than enough to dissuade any discouragement, its just something I am acutely aware of, particular at this present time.

It has never been an easy thing for me to crush someone else’s hope, as I strive so hard to inspire, that when the need or when I have been called to relay information that I knew would not be well received or would dampen someones spirit, it has always been extremely challenging for me. While I have done so, it has never felt quite right. I recognize that its a necessary part to play in the universal connectedness, some people must have these types of interactions in order to grow – myself included. Its just always made me very heart heavy when it was my turn to be the torch extinguisher.

I have alot of hopes riding on my upcoming trip to Seattle with R. We have a full itinerary mapped out, and I am going to need to work very hard these next few weeks in order to be sure my body will be up to the task of accomplishing this trip. Its very frequent right now that I feel super fatigued, and just exhausted.

There is also a visit scheduled this Friday at this place: https://www.kotsanisinstitute.com/ while my current doctor and medical team are unable to provide me with any hope for my condition, this place has the potential to offer me some alternatives to the regime I am currently on. They will also be supporting me in my diet shift. As soon as I was diagnosed I shifted my diet to a Ketogenic Diet, eliminating all processed and refined sugar from my diet, and restricting my carbs to lower carb vegetables exclusively. This was drastic, but it has had profound impacts on my overall health. I have since also solicited the involvement of my family and support team to do the same, as the energy and emotional support they provide, need to be from a pure and clean source as well.

It was quite eye opening to me, to recognize the fact that sugar is effectively poison to the body, while it is one potential source of fuel or energy, it is not the most efficient, nor is it the healthiest. It is the root cause of many disease, and the primary food source for all cancers. One of the first steps to starving cancer, and preventing its growth in your body is to eliminate all sugar from your diet. This has been echoed over and over in many of the books, articles and research studies I have read. It’s one of those lessons of information that I was not able to integrate into my mind a few years ago.

P and R have been great, we cleaned out our pantry and cabinets this week, and both were surprised at some of the things that had to go, due to having hidden sugar in them. Things we had least expected, like Italian Dressing… Vinegar and Oil right? Nope, Sugar was the fourth ingredient. Why, food industry do we need sugar in so many of these things?

Maybe this is something I will learn in my next life, as for this one, I’m just on the kick it to the curb bandwagon. No more sugar for me boys.

I remember, when I went into the doctor in January, the one I liked Dr. F, the surgeon who made me comfortable, and made me feel like a human being again. I remember her words, as she said “it looks like cancer to me” so matter of factly, I can hear her voice echoing in my head. I remember being angry, after seeing Dr J & Dr G to get confirmation that they – the “experts” didn’t believe it could possible be a return of the cancer. They provided me with reassurance, and I fell for it. I remember the relief of going to physical therapy – something I’ve done several times before in my life, and found value in. Something that had brought me comfort and relief in previous situations.

Going to the physical therapy, and feeling my condition, my overall health continue to diminish. Feeling like things were just not going the correct direction. Feeling like the changes I was making, struggling to move towards health were two steps backwards one step forward. Perpetually feeling like I was getting further and further away from the goal.

Feeling the pain begin to rise in my chest, feeling the aching and soreness become more and more frequent. Feeling it become more constant, feeling my meditation become less and less effective and diminishing the pain. Feeling my Reiki applications provide less and less comfort.

I remember the conversations with Dr M, her asking me “aren’t you afraid of the cancer coming back?” me answering her so matter-of-factly without any pause for thought “No, not at all……” and not realizing the impendingness of those dots.

I recall the feeling of anxiety at scheduling a follow up with Dr G after the pain had become constant, and none of my non medicinal efforts were having lasting enough effect for me to continue to get adequate sleep.  Having to stay up, until pure exhaustion, and finally deciding enough was enough, and going in to tell her that if this was normal for the diagnosis she provided, that it was time to discuss pain medication. Having her ask about doing a biopsy.

Waking from a nap the next day, after the biopsy, having missed a call with no voicemail from the doctor, and calling P to ask him, and him telling me that he was on the way home. Him telling me that we were going in to see Dr J, and that the biopsy confirmed that the cancer had returned.

Having Dr J explain to me that I had metastatic breast cancer, in a breast that wasn’t a breast at all, but a lump of reconstructed tissue where my breast had previously been, where the tumor of my former cancer had previously been. Having her order a Pet Scan, which further confirmed the worst, that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, and to several of my bones. Having her effectively express to me that I now had an expiration date.

Thinking of myself as a small pint of cream in the fridge. I had an expiration date. I would no longer be here in short order.

I recall thinking to myself how very odd this feeling was, of both relief, to finally have confirmed that there was something truly wrong with me, instead of being given lip service to the idea that I was doing okay and getting better. The relief of the fact that knowing you are dying just means you know that you have less time to spend doing things you don’t enjoy doing, and can focus more on the things that matter.

In the words of a favorite character of mine from World of Warcraft, Chen Stormstout, “Family. Friends. Food. These are what matter most.”