The PA asked me today, “how are you feeling?” – and I just laughed. I suppose that is one way to answer, because she didn’t dig any deeper to find the answer, so either the laugh told her what she needed to know, or she was asking as a social politeness, not as a medical professional. — She did ask more specific questions after this, so I’m guessing she just figured that it wasn’t a question I was particularly prepared to answer …. and that means she wins a prize bob!

I’m tired of having a staph infection. Its been like a disco ball flashing symptoms on and off for months now – and I’ve been on and off antibiotics just as frequently – and I’m tired of this…. Unfortunately, the “symptoms” of the infection are the same as the “symptoms” from chemo – so I can’t really tell which is making me feel…. without complaining “less than ideal?” — Mostly overly abundantly unavoidable tired….. Like sleep twelve hours and still feel like I need more rest, tired.

I recognize that sometimes my body just needs rest.

I recognize that sometimes rest helps with healing.

But geez, can’t we take a break from days that include more sleep than wake? I suppose I should be careful asking for this – because there are WORSE things that being able to rest in my own bed comfortable for as long as my body needs. So I guess, I’ll just be thankful for the opportunity to be able to sleep for twelve hours. To be fortunate to have supportive family and friends that understand this time is hard right now. Thank you universe, for providing me with support to endure.

Struggling with myself over wanting to balance multiple things when I am clearly unable to balance multiple things is still causing me some difficulties. I’m not certain which part of me this is – but it feels like probably the rebellious teenager fighting against curfew that is trying to ensure we are in angst by inadvertently attempting to “do things” outside of our capacity at present. —- Its like, no no, we can NOT have two conversations while holding on the line for another doctor reply to that question we forgot to ask in the office….. that Will, fact send us over the edge.

P made a really good analogy for me today — something he doesn’t normally do well, I should say, he does analogies, I just usually can’t follow the ones he does, which makes sense, because he typically can’t follow mine either – so its one of those areas of opposite sides of the mountain — usually.

Today was an exception – the analogy he used today was equating my brain function currently to crossing a catwalk that has fallen to disrepair — it has a hand rail – which if I hold and pay attention is no issue at all…. but there are huge gaps in the path and if I try and “cross without holding the rail” or try and cross while “Squirrel!” — I will often fall. Its a particularly relevant analogy for me, because I often “squirrel” — and I am struggling with the teenager saying “well, I know I’ve crossed so many times without holding the handrails – those are for “disabled” people….” (also an interesting observation, because P later pointed out “Well atleast your disability isn’t in question” and while very relevant, doesn’t make it an any easier pill to swallow for me from an ego perspective. )

There was a song many years ago — which my good friend “google” is failing me on identifying today… lyrics I remember below, with possible/likely “Alethia” transliteration:

"Everyone has a dream for the future. Each of us has a special goal. Why sit back?  Pave the way, to the future, all of the strength you need lies deep in your soul. With courage and faith as constant companion, you never face trials alone. With faith that is strong you will never abandon believe in yourself and success is your own. Oh I can do it, there's nothing to it, I've got the courage I need. I've gotten this far, I'll board the next star to follow my dreams, wherever it may lead. " 

Its been one of those things, its either from chorus – religious or secular “somewhere vocal training” — Its a song, that has resonated heavily with me … and been a “go to” source of reassurance for times of struggle.

Because I learned this song as a teenager, anytime I need to point the finger at the teenager in my head — this song helps lift her up after the adjustment in thought has been achieved.

So I gotta work on being a little less hard on myself for not being able to hold more than one focus or thought at a time right now. I just — well that part of me doesn’t want to be less hard on myself – it seems to like to find reasons to “you can do more” me all the time. — On the plus side, it is a happy reminder, that probably sometime in the future, I’ll be able to do more again. But for today, I’ll try and be happier with the “what I CAN” do vs being frustrated at the “what I am NOT able” to do.

We are winning. It takes practice, and lots of struggle to win. Learning takes time, and the aha’s will keep coming until I’ve mastered them all – so hopefully another 40+ years 🙂

My little barkerke has decided to inform me he is in need of more attention today — he has taken to telling us/reminding us when its “wet food day”… which is every other, but I find it wildly amusing that he “knows” when its every other — P has tried to “skip” it – and Starbuck is quite verbal about these attempts – its also amusing that he gets particularly “cute” with his reminders. Either way, off to go play some with the pupper.