Today I had to start this survey thing – I was recommended for this lecture series called “radical remission” by my acupuncturist – she is an incredible person in my life, and its part of a program thing she is studying/learning/sharing. The idea of Radical Remission is that there are certain individuals with the – well that refuse to get cancer and die… they put there cancer into remission – somehow, that science, doctors and most of the “logic” based side of society doesn’t quite understand – I mean bluntly if they did they would be somewhat “oath” bound to help everyone with cancer – not just leave it to those of us that are stubborn enough that we refuse to die. – I digress.

So I signed up for this lecture series – and there is a Harvard school study – probably some groups PHD 🙂 – one can hope, one can dream – studying “does this lecture series help” … and they had this “voluntary study” you could opt into if you are doing the lecture series, but it has really no benefit, so one has to basically be willing to jump thru these hoops for the betterment of others in humanity – I mean face it, it’s not going to help me with radical remission by filling out this survey. What I am doing is working – as proof by the amount of time I’ve stayed alive, and also by the fact that I’m not dead. This is something, I not only have interest in however, but I have a strong belief and hope that maybe someday, there will be a smarter, kinder approach to helping people that have fallen off the path and developed cancer, to guide them back to a path that is easier, less painful and ultimately better for humanity as a whole. Every life matters. Cancer sucks.

I opted to help with this survey. They warned that it could take up to 6 hours to complete these questionares and while I figured they were bluntly overly exaggerating I also figured I would ponder and decide if I wanted to do it. The obligation would be to complete the first one prior to the start of the lecture, one during the lecture and one after the lecture with the request that I send a copy of my medical records at some point to verify/validate my diagnosis. – this doesn’t have to be before, it can be at any point within a reasonable thing. They also warn that there is a possibility that the data may not be completely confidential – although the do promise to protect according medical guidelines…. so its more a matter of specific compensation and a commitment to help – which I can opt out of at anytime.

So I started the survey, it didn’t take nearly as long as they suggested it might – but it was pretty thorough and comprehensive. They are basically asking “what have you been doing for the past month” – including food, holistics, spiritual…. and general conditions overall from beginning, to now of diagnosis. It took me the better part of 2 hours.

When I was in high school – I was in chorus – there was a song we learned – I don’t recall the name 🙂 being horrible with names, of the artist of the song – just some of the lyrics – and apparently some of the “choir songs” aren’t as easy to find as recorded musical lyrics are – I remember the lyrics – after hours and hours of performing – or maybe the problem with finding the song is that I am “remembering” the lyrics with my own personal “Alethia spin” aka – incorrect lyrics 🙂 This is a humorous thing from way back, with many many times I have transliterated lyrics in my hearing. Sufficed to say – the lyrics for this song went “Everyone has a dream for the future, each of us has a special goal”…. “Why sit back pave the way for the future” …”With courage and faith as your constant companions, you’ll never face trials alone”…. “with faith that is strong you will never be abandoned, believe in yourself and success is your own”…… it was a hoppy tune, and it pops into my head as I think about this survey.

I realized so much lately I’ve been focusing on the present, and on the future….. and some of those things are bluntly somewhat unpleasant, and uncomfortable. But in completing this survey, I realized, it gave me a moment to pause and realize precisely how much I’ve accomplished. It showed me a few areas where I have fallen off my course… not oblivious to me, but very difficult to turn the ship slightly into another channel… but this gave me renewed vigor to set the boat on the correct channel again. …. It allowed me to see, that bluntly the things I have done over the past – more than 2 years since recurrence, are why I’m still alive to do this…. and the areas where I’m fighting myself and my “I don’t wannas” … it gave me strength to say “yes, yes we do”… it also was just uplifting in a way that no one else can be… Being proud of myself is something I have not been overly good at most of my life – but this was a time to realize, not only can I do this, but damn skippy I’m getting better at it! Dunno if this feeling is any more clearly defined into expression. It just felt empowering. Go me!

I feel pretty strongly that I should be writing more. Its just often, I don’t know precisely what I want to say, sometimes paper seems hollow and a needy child that often doesn’t feel like mine, whom I’m constantly feeling the need to find their parents. Shoo Shoo paper, another day will come when I have words to fill you…. But maybe the day is now, and maybe the page is here before me so I can hope and dream here.

Things to ponder as I sip on my water and my homemade “dirty chai” – thank god for coffee, thank god for so many things. Life feels pretty good.