Heads in a weird odd place. Finding myself grouchy recently, at a frequency disproportionate to other times in my life. While I am certain that there are several root causes for this, as well as likely fairly reasonable explanations, right now they are obscured.
This is tending to manifest itself in lash outs, and temper tantrums disproportionate to the source. Which of course, leads me to need to tuck my tail and apologize for inappropriate behavior, which seems to be acerbating the issue. This only evident from the factor that I have caught myself feeling angry at myself when I have to apologize, after realizing that the apology, in addition to being heartfelt and necessary, is just another symptom of whatever this is that I’m experiencing.
P made a comment the other day that he is feeling the strong desire to throw a trip at me to get me out of this mood, we laughed about this, since I had made the resolution to not travel this year. Which at the time seemed logical and appropriate, but now is seeming more and more like a challenging struggle of mind over will.
Interesting thought the other day with regards to setting priorities in order. Had cause to be referred to a book about “how to decluttter your life”… which I skimmed, to decide if it would be a fit for me and my life. The book had all sorts of accolades, and alot of feedback, both positive and negative. In skimming, I realized that while the approach had alot of merit, and value, it wasn’t a good method for me personally, although I did reference it to several of the other people in my life whom it might be a better fit. The general summary of the book was that if things in your life don’t bring you joy, you need to show them the door. This particular book wants an all or nothing approach. All or nothing being a quick, burn it or lance it at the source type of transition. While I recognize the value in doing this, being a fire sign its my general mode of action, however when it comes to this point in my life, and the circumstances of my situation, this is not the best course of action.
To this end, I did start making some small shifts, minor things, and they were immediate visible, palpable, and generally helpful. They did not however, get rid of this simmer that is in my soul right now. Its this general feeling of outrage, without a clear evident source.
Both this decluttering, and generally seeking the source of this issue, has driven me to assess some of my basic priorities and goals. This sparked an interesting exchange between R & I and also P & I — The question that I posed to set off this conversation, if you knew without any doubt, that you would die two years from now, what would you do or want to be doing? As in, if you had some foreknowledge that your life would be over in two years, what would you be working to ensure you finished or accomplished or did before that time. The reason for the two year time frame, is that its long enough to prevent the type of arbitrary transitory types of things that would be likely to be on this list if the timeline was a month, a week, or a day… but short enough to actually bring about pause. Neither of them had a specific answer to give, which was both somewhat good, and somewhat bad. Good from the perspective, that if there is something clear and obvious on that list, and you are not currently planning for it now, then this is a sign that you are not in alignment with yourself. Bad from the perspective that uncertainty just added to this personal outrage feeling inside me, because I too, did not have a strong feeling or answer for this.
The only thing that came to mind for me, which was noted and added to the list, was that of all the trips I would like to do or have in the “near times”, the only ones that would make this two year list are the grand canyon and mount rushmore. Making this an easy shift for change, and discussions were had regarding how to make these trips happen sooner.
Was hoping that starting up this blog again, would help me clear some of this whatever it is, so this is a start, and I’m done with this one for now.