All posts by postmaster

Sand in the hourglass

There is a reason that the hourglass has the shape it does…. Its easy to recognize that the top and the bottom are significantly larger than the middle where all the sand flows through.

In the moment, the time is small. There where it came from, and where its going both seem so dauntingly huge.

When I think about my life, and all the amazing things I’ve experienced. When I take those in a microcosm, and go thru the exercise, of trying to put myself into the memory, and experience the sounds, the sights, the smells, the feeling of the things around – I can make the experience shrink from this obscure huge amount of sand that is linked to so many other grains of the sand in my past… I can shrink it into the one that represents that moment.

There are some moments that we try to hold in the middle – try so hard to keep them there, because they are so so joyful, so filled with blessing and bliss that our hearts are overcome with the emotion and as it bursts out and fills us up inside… it forces its way out thru our tears in joy.

This was a week filled with these moments.

Just like the hourglass for time, which seems so so linear — when the sand runs to its end, we flip the glass and start over again. The circle makes all the difference.

The song from the Lion King – the Circle of Life seems so appropriate, for me right now. So many blessings, so many great new beginnings.

Emotions seem alot like the helium balloon – when its new and fresh and filled and so happy – its floating above your head, but it doesn’t just fall to your hand when it is over, it falls and pulls you down to the floor.

I think part of growing up is the knowledge that the floor will be coming, and knowing the tricks to bring yourself back to the loving self in the middle from before the balloon arrived.

There is joy in all three stops, the top with its beautiful heart explosions, the middle with its smiles, hugs, and laughter, and even on the floor – there is joy on the floor – the joy of realizing you will be alive, and that there will be new tops again in the future, the perspective from the opposite angle is like looking at the hourglass upside down and realizing that when you turn the sand, its a fresh new beginning.

Got to have my thanksgiving in a smaller, modified version – but the turkey was still incredible – thank you to P for spending his 50 prepping/smoking the bird for me.

Next chemo is tomorrow – it will be the first since surgery. It will be a great time to see how mild the side effects really are, now that the infection is routed, and my body can work on building itself back up in health.

Its the holidays, and I’m excited to experience and see all the love and joy that normally fills the air this time of year.

Here is to another turn of the hourglass, and another set of new beautiful memories.

The lighthouse

This is a post dedicated to my new niece.

Sometimes in life there are unavoidable steps that must be taken, must be overcome. There are obstacles that stand in the way of our dreams, of our goals, of our hopes.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the sailing, in the feel of the wind and the sound of the waves, that we get turned around, sometimes we get challenged for direction.

There is always a lighthouse on the shore to guide us home. It’s a beating of our heart – the moment in between breaths, the pause in between moments. That guides us, like a light on the rock above to the safety of home.

Its hard being an older sister – sometimes. My younger brother, and younger sister are part of my heart – part of my soul. When they struggle with things – while the struggle is uniquely their own – my heart, my soul feels for them. I feel their hopes, their dreams, their elation — but also their sorrows.

This weekend, is an incredible one of healing. My brother – I call him – among many things, a terra cotta warrior. He has always been one of those stoic protectors for the entirety of my life. Ensuring the protection of those he loves and in his realm.

He is slow to action, perpetually ensuring to take the safest route – ensuring that the path is safest for his loved ones to travel – that he has protected all sides.

He has had some incredible hurts in his life – being damaged to a crushing level, but he has gotten back up and continued on with his journey – holding all the hurt in and back from showing or impacting anyone else ….

Except I’m tremendously empathic and aware of this hurt. There has not been anything to do, but encourage, and support him along his journey.

He met your mom a while ago – and I immediately liked her. She has this calm presence that is both soothing, but also incredible capable. It was clear, that the strength she has, and the purity of heart are the things that most attracted my brother to her. Over time, she has brought herself more to an endearment of love to me, and the entirety of my family.

For the first time, in all the other people my brother has chosen to surround himself with and loaned his heart to…. This was someone, that I viewed as worthy of this loan. – Someone that would treat his heart with the care and respect it deserved, someone that cared for him as a person before they loved him and someone who genuinely liked his nature and his company before she loved him. This is someone we adopted.

My brother proposed to her this weekend, and she said yes. It is beyond words – it feels like suddenly a part of my heart and soul that has ached and hurt for my brother is healed. Finally he has a partner in his journeys, someone who will enjoy his company and his nature, and that he can enjoy. They can be partners in this rogue adventure we call life.

Yesterday, you decided to grace us with your presence. You came into this world in unexpected ways, and a little sooner than imagined – I feel your mum knew you were coming sooner than anticipated, afterall its not really a trait of our family to hold things back, and I’m quite certain you let her know you had enough of the confines of her body – no matter how comfortable that womb had been for the months prior.

The look of sheer joy on all of the family at your arrival is not something I can convey in words. You are an unexpected blessing that brings a lighthouse to us in these tumultuous times. Conditions in the world are so confusing right now, but your arrival, your light is a beacon back to the heart and soul of what’s important. Thank you for joining us.

Progress

Its an interesting thing to me that the word “progress” has a very positive connotation to me… I feel most people would agree – and yet, “progression” is the word they use in the C business to describe when things are going pair shaped. I wonder whose brainchild of an idea that was…. some lab monkey sitting around going ooo ooo ooo – I made progress, my experiment worked!! I have made the C grow…. Its made progress too!! — Its Progression in the works…. a word affiliation that is so so positive to us, but is NOT positive at all.

I digress.

Today, my mind decided 4am was a “great” time to be alive and awake. While I agreed with the former, the later was less than an amicable discussion. I said to myself “Atleast 6am, atleast 6” and my mind said “but but but … there are so many wonderful things about now”…. and I said “yes, the foremost being this stunningly accommodating and soothing bed”

This banter back and forth between myself continued, as it often does for over a half hour… before my mind, decided to be “tricksy” …. It said “We could walk…….” …. Now lets be honest, you don’t get to be an overweight woman by that phrase just randomly popping up into your mind at the four in the morning times and producing pleasure. I’m not saying it isn’t “possible” … I’m just saying, that most people with weight problems – whether its a chicken or an egg thing…. most people with weight problems don’t particularly find pleasure in physical activity. So many spiderwebs here… but sufficed to say…

This tactic, my mind chose…. well it was alluring. I’ve been trying for at this point “several” – but I’m sure it will be many by the time I’m finished… I’ve been trying to cultivate that mind place that can find not only pleasure, but pure bliss and joy at the prospect of the movement of my body. The little thing of walking – in the fresh air, in the cool wind, with the feel of the pavement beneath my feet, and the sensation of all the other physical stimuli available…. This was an alluring prospect.

Like the good little person I am, I didn’t’ fall for this tactic at first. I know my mind, it was “tempting me” with no real believe I’d follow thru – with the true believe that I’d succumb to the woes of weightdom and make some excuse to “not” walk.

My mind underestimated my resolve, and my tenacity towards this endeavor. But I was wise. I laid in bed another full ten minutes… thinking of all the things I would need to accomplish – building up more and more activation energy to overcome the milestones – also known as “mountains” my mind would throw at me to prevent me from walking, but accomplishing the “mission” of getting my awake self out of bed.

I visualized where and what I would wear. I planned precisely what body activities I would need to do, and which could be postponed. I planned my course thru the house, what outdoor things I would need. I visualize myself gathering them and doing them. I visualized the path – I basically took the entire walk in virtual sense – in the thought/plan that one of two things would occur… either I’d have an overabundance of activation energy (excellent) or I’d fall back asleep (also good) — I repeated this two more times. When I got back to my thoughts after the second full circuit….

And my mind again tried with “See wouldn’t that feel so so good”…. before the little voice of the opposition the one that is carefully reminding me “you had surgery just under two weeks ago – take it easy… walking will come” before that voice could come… I jumped out of bed, and proceeded thru the path I’d planned.

There was a tiny struggle with the mask I’d planned – one of the HEPA filter ones P had gotten me to enhance breathing with a mask…. but overall I was out the door, music on, saftey things on…. including my watch to track my steps…. and “going” “moving”…. My mind finally said “point conceded”…. and I replied back “Its going to be great”

Now I didn’t walk as far as I’d pathed/hoped/planned – but I did make it alot further than expected, and the walk DID feel so so good. I am awake, and alive…. While its dark outside right now, there were bunnies!! many of them truth be told – I saw five. There were also frogs? Where are all these water creatures coming from?!? (I almost stepped on one)

I heeded my body at about half the planned/hoped path when it said, wow while this feels good, we are more tired then expected, so I opted for a shorter route with a faster return…. and it made all the difference.

My muscles are awake, good hormones are pumping, my mind is still awake but now subdued, and overall I feel pretty great. Mission accomplished a win for today.

Progress, towards a better stronger healthier life achieved. Alethia 1