The Rise and the Fall

The holy roman empire thought they were the end all be all of society. They thought they had all the answers, and would be the way of things ad infinitum. While we still utilize many of their concepts, ideals and values…. alot of their methodology is not suited for today.

There is part of me that feels like we are in that period again. The time for many things is gone. Holding on to the last dregs is just that.

What vision do we have for the world? I don’t know. I’m too busy healing my body, and finding a new vision for it.

Some of the movers and shakers have tried to solicit my view on this, have tried thru multiple sources, my general stance is GO AWAY – its time for pooh corner, its time for trips and visits to the hundred acre wood. It isn’t that the new is uninspiring – its very inspiring, but its it belongs in the hands – trusted hands of someone else.

Today I had the first of scans – always I work hard to schedule the MRI first, as it is the test that is the most scary and least pleasant to me. Always its never as scary or long as I set it up to be…. Somehow in my mind this is this all day anti-joy ride where I go and be trapped in someone elses world, with the need to hold still while they take internal pictures of my brain. Once again, it is never as long or as scary as it seems to be. Its a mental reframe I’m working very hard on doing. There are several aspects that make this reframe more difficult – the fact that its loud and bright – the fact that its actually 2 full scans that take 15-20 minutes each – as they scan without contrast first, then pump me filled with a chemical I’m not at all pleased to have coursing through my body to get a “light up picture” and do the full scan again. So its pretty long in terms of scans.

The folks are always kind, and always work to make things the best and fastest possible experience. I know how to hold still – so its usually 30 minutes end to end, as they are able to get what they need, do the things, and redo the thing and lam bam thank you mam (or man as in my case) I’m all done.

My mind however has this as Armageddon. Its always quite certain this will be “the big one louisy” – as quoted by Mr. Jefferson. It was nice to have Phil for this one today – or before it, as his presence works as a safe rock of calm in my world, he also helps with these reframes fairly well too.

Tomorrow is scan day number two with CT & Bone scans – both with and without contrast – darn doctors with their needs for pretty colored pictures.

I try and get these as few a year as I can but still comply with requirements for my treatments – it seems to work out for 4 times a year.

Tomorrow is alot less scary, alot less intimidating and overall faster and slower – because the bone contrast requires me to “wait” for 3 hours after injection to “get it done”

Maybe they will show things for the surgeon to fix the — “its back…..” staph infection that is recurring again – its never reassuring when a surgeon tells you “welp I got most of the stich but I was expecting it to be this long (holds hands out about 6 inches) and the stitch part was only this long (holds out about 4 inches) …. I dug and dug around, but the other piece was MIA, so I had to seal you up and hope for the best” …. No no, the best would be to never have had this problem to begin with – and certain to have caught it years ago…. but second or myabe evfen third best would have been to get the whole darn thing at the surgery that I’m … well I recovered okay so clearly not to bad off to have had …. but no no, we are going for broke and hoping we can have another surgery down the road when a scan shows where the remaining part of the stitch is? — wow.

I feel like I have blogged about this before, so I think thats all I have to say, as its evident there is still some pent up confusion around this entire process, and my gut is super super tired of more antibiotics, but thats the way of things today.

Lots and lots of tired, from so many “things” … but sleep has been good, and helpful and very restful. World seems to be getting more and less crazy so here is hoping for balance in all things.

I am thankful for life. I am blessed for the incredible people in my life. I am blessed for the things like beautiful weathers – even when I curse the cedars for spunking all over the place and driving my head insane. I am blessed and grateful for so many new experiences, and the chance to talk and engage over the old. I am blessed for new nieces, and opportunities soon to see more family.

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