Some days are better than others

There was an old jingle from so so long ago “Michelob, some days, Michelob lite some days, Michelob dry some days …. are better than others”…. Its stuck in my head – I have to my knowledge never had a Michelob, and would not bother to try them but the jingle did what markters hope, it got stuck in my brain in a way that its taking up landscape that could be perhaps enjoyed by other more dynamic things.

My sister and I went to London recently and it occurs to me, I don’t remember going thru customs – I recall her being so excited because her passport finally had a stamp in it – and I “know” we had a driver set up to pick us up — I recall alot of the drive to the hotel as I was engaged with the driver. The experience for customs – I can “invent” in my mind – I’m quite good at Imagineering – thanks Disney for that expression – I can imagine what it would have been like to go thru, having gone thru many times in the past; after a long travel flight, but I don’t honestly recall the experience.

We had dinner early yesterday evening, and I was <again> as seems to happen alot lately, freezing cold. I stepped outside after dinner and sat in my chair which – typical Texas – was quite warm in the late afternoon, early evening. I fell asleep. After about an hour outside, I opted to retire for the evening, which ofcourse has me up quite early. Something P said yesterday struck me, and is still rolling around in my brain. He feels I am often quite tired, but I push myself to stay awake thru sheer will alone.

Somehow his words ring very true, which is why they are still rolling around. Right now as I type this, its earlier than 5am, and I’m awake – having woken at a little after 3 and tried to convince myself to sleep, but Michelob had other plans. So I rose to greet the day, but was it my wakeful ness in the midst of tired or is that sheer will alone? I don’t know.

There were crusty things and an overall redness in my left eye this morning, not both only the left – the side of my body that is struggling with a few challenges of late – extra lymph in my leg and arm. Now the eye has joined its flight of fancy.

The things that strike me lately are … quite diverse, I don’t know if they have always been or just more so now – I was having a rough Monday, when I went for my injection/labs, and one of my favorite nurses asked me the usual “psychological questions” — for documentation purposes a little preamble here about the fact that every visit to the Oncology office is riddled with a survey of “how are you doing”…. I don’t know who or what they use this “data” for but — I do know its been many visits of information captured about “me” – well, and every other patient that has cancer – it asks about 15 standardized questions of “how are you doing” type nature – most of which I just breeze past 95% of the time with a 0 on a 1-10 scale of “are you doing okay”…. except pain which I normally put between 2-3 depending upon the day — well this Monday pain was alot higher than usual – so I indicated a 6 – which one of my favorite nurses, as she shares my sisters name, and a general overall kindness that is contagious – was shocked, as I had in her experience never indicated such a dramatically high level – she commented about that, and provided extra sympathetic support —— I often feel like the nurses go above and beyond to provide for not only our physical, but also so many other types of support – it really is a thankless job that they do — Reminder to myself to express my gratitude to them over and over again. Somehow her expression of surprise and shock were engaging to my mind, and while I don’t recall her precise words of sympathetic support, it was … well it got my mind flipping it over and over again like a pancake.

The medicine I am on causes depression. I am perpetually on the look out for “these” signs. My feelings the past day or so have been down in that alley kicking the ball around with the boys from the badside of the town. I should not be in this place, its neither healthy nor constructive for me – but its challenging to leave.

My brother shared a picture of my niece and my mom with me and it was so great, it was a beautiful photo and it was incredible to see the resemblance to my mother in the baby. I reached out to my dad to let him know I wish he were here to see her – she is such a gift, a cherished present in these tumultuous times in which we are living. A shining ray of hope in a dark place.

I have to remind myself that hope springs eternal – like so many of those streams and waterfalls in my mind from childhood memories of vacations driving thru the blue ridge mountains. Just like the water over the rocks, hope is always there. Much like the words of the Desiderata – “… and whether it is clear to you or not, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should…. It is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. “

Life is good.

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