The things that we think, the things that we do.

Sometimes my brain self sabotages. Okay, yes thats a thing, and its not as much sometimes as often. This is one of the infinite cosmic powers it possesses. Its trained to be a balance, to help me from working too hard on something.

That being said, as I’ve grown older – perhaps wiser or atleast thats the goal – the tool or trick is to recognize, and to gentle guide it back into the light of no doubt.

Its rather amusing to me the power of faith. Nearly anything is possible with enough faith and believe in the power to accomplish the thing. The brain is the magical cosmic tool to prevent things from occuring by attempting to convince you that they aren’t possible.

Its a crafty one, the brain, sometimes it uses stealthy methods – often. Things you don’t recognize as necessarily direct sabotage, often they even seem to be quite enjoyable or quite helpful….. but then suddenly I find myself off the goal path, and in the field of poppies.

In my personal experience I have found that my brain will use all my best powers of subtredge – and I’ve gotten pretty good with these in my 40+ years to “mask” or “shroud” the direction of the thoughts – so to be quite pleasurable; until they are so far from the goal as to suddenly be obvious.

My job of late has been to be completely healing my body. My brain has been finding me underhanded methods of trying to convince me this isn’t possible. Ways of little bread crumbs into giving up. I am more than one part of me – my brain is one part, and it doesn’t get to make the decision to give up. It can make the decision to get on board with all the rest of the little children or it can make the decision to be quiet and be still. No longer will I willingly allow it to derail my progress by pulling us off into tangents of contemplation or pathways of activity that don’t work towards the goal or path.

I can do this. It is possible to heal my body, it is possible to be whole and strong. While I have in my years gotten older, it is apparently quite possible to live healthy strong and happy to 99 – or atleast thats the example of one of my heroines, Betty White – whom Phil pointed out to me really is older than conventionally created sliced bread. I believe, and my faith is strong.

There are alot of things going on inside my body right now. The mickey mouse sorceress apprentice is strong with this one. The brooms are coming and going so fast with all the water, sometimes its easy to forget that I control them and that sometimes slower is not only better its more effective. It just still doesn’t necessarily feel best.

One of the little “tells” I have found about myself – when I get into “stress” mode – which is apparently how I have been for much of my life …. my “showers” – you know the times you go to get clean under warm water with soap – are ridiculously fast.

I have always found it odd … well more correctly stated, I had never really had a perspective of understanding in the past… that people were able to relish or take long showers on the regular.

As I have found relaxed mode… as I have become one with recognizing time as salt-water taffy (digression for another blog) — I was sorta amused at myself for taking a long luxurious (as I considered it in the past) shower. Meaning one longer than 7-8 minutes….. I don’t actually know how long I took in the shower, but I do know it was a 5 song shower. With the average song length around 3 minutes, thats 15 minutes or double my normal time.

The amusing part to me, is that I didn’t do anything different. My hygiene routine was precisely the same. Somehow relaxed mode is just less cognizant of “hurry” and therefore enjoying the moment more. I can’t say it was a “better” shower or a “best” shower – it wasn’t really either. It was just a shower, but it was absolutely more relaxed. It left me with a feeling of clean – not that stress showers don’t, but peter and paul were left un robbed and unpaid. Mostly just different.

Being able to see the pleasant ness of the change in perspective is growing for me, but its not growing at weed speed, more at fruit tree speed. It makes sense to me that I’m a fruit, this is something I’ve always known. Tangy, fresh, sweet, sour, and overall somewhat nourishing in an odd eclectic way… thats me.

Today is a good day, all be it way too early – I’m certain that sleep will bribe me to come back to enjoy it again soon.

Snow Day

We had snow yesterday! Wasn’t just a light flurry after dark that litered the ground with white …. this was a full on “blizzard” for us…. here in Austin.

I remember when I stayed with my great aunt outside of DC – snow days…. when I could not believe it was “raining snow” … have this amazing memories of just sitting and watching it come down and stick to the trees and litter the ground… it was so amazing.

This was one of those days yesterday – it snowed the majority of the day…. It never quite lost its uniqueness – its amazing beauty. Thank you Universe for providing such a beautiful thing.

P video taped, and flew his drone and got some amazing video of the snow…. it wasn’t subtle, or was it light – it was literally like so many of our rains, but in icey flake fashion. My trees, the yard, the houses, the streets all look beautiful – even the next day as it “tries” to melt it off… but its quite a few inches to melt, and its just not quite getting warm enough to do it.

The extreme of this – the just bliss of this rare pleasure, this ability to enjoy and smile — while knowing its unlikely to linger long.

Starbuck does NOT enjoy the snow – well I should be more specific – something about pooping with cold wet stuff touching your bum does NOT appeal to him in the slightest – he found the one spot in our yard — where the gutters hang over, where he could poop in peace from this white cold covering up all his smell spots. He did enjoy watching it, and the crunch his paws made in the powder.

They called me from the place I go for appts Mon/Fri – to let me know they would be closed today… it was so sweet to be able to share this joy with one of my nurses, to thank her for the call, and to wish her a great snow day.

While there are parts of the country covered in this stuff for much of the year – and while they get it at a regular frequency – its such a unique thing for here that its relish able and savored like many fleeting pleasures.

Again I feel this is the balance for all the things that have been weighing so heavy on my heart. This is a hard time to be alive – yet I wouldn’t have it any other way. The hard things are the ones that teach you the strength you have within, and how to grow to be a better person. It is however, super uplifting when the universe sends you a reminder that its not all hard – that some days, are meant for just listening to the wind, and watching the snow fall on the ground.

Thank you universe for helping restore my faith that it won’t be be here forever, and that all things much change.

Personal Hygiene

There are a few things heavy on my head of late. They have been around the past few months and after multiple reframes – some more successful than others – I feel its time to give a shout out to them and let them go.

This is not the first nor will it be the last time that a global but decides to grace us with its presence. Bugs – specifically virus’s are smart. Read an interesting commentary recently – and I would like to take a brief moment to shout out at how happy I am at being able to read …. even if it is in very small amounts… the chemo brain is bad, but being able to read enough to take in some intelligent commentary is such a blessing. I digress.

I read an interesting commentary that we “judge” the “smart” of a creature against our own abilities, not against its own abilities. This is an extremely understandable, and short sighted value system. It would be like judging a story based solely upon whether it had exactly what you needed, instead of what it has …. using this judgement system I would NEVER EVER consider the home depot to be valuable.

The commentary was based upon animals, and our assessment of how “intelligent” they are based upon their ability or inability to complete tasks we complete. I feel it would be better to call this judgement “how human they are…” vs “how intelligent they are” but getting this value system changed is definitely beyond my abilities, and probably beyond the scope of this society.

Virus’s are smart. This one is especially smart. They are also incredible impatient. This is a good thing, it means our vigilance is on our side. Our tendency to be lackadaisical is however, not.

Washing hands frequently is one of those things I have often considered my tendency to be OCD. In light of this current environment, perhaps it is less OCD and more unconsciously cognizant of the existence of smart entities that are unable to survive in water combined with the use of specifically targeting soaps. This opens up another whole can of worms – or thought — are these and the other smart bugs out there able to survive in water with specifically targeted soaps? Is it like swimming in shark infested waters? Sure it can be done, but why risk the potential endangerment.

My fear is that their intelligence will eventually develop “tools” to overcome these minor feeble protections we have at present.

The vaccines that are available are somewhat about making “us” a less viable source of food — right now, our bodies look like a duffs or some other brand of all you can eat buffet to these bugs.

As a society we have de nutrient ourselves, and our food supply to the point of critical mass. We have stuffed ourselves full of goodies that are nutritionally defunct that we call food, but really is just not. We have for all intent and purposes over the past 50 years changed the definition of “food” — its more now with “what we put in our mouths” rather than “what value this provides”

Our bodies are filled with bugs. Science has recently identified that roughly 90% of our bodies are NOT our DNA but rather a synergistic biome of bugs providing for our existence. These are also smart bugs. We are like Santa to them — we drop presents or coal down the chimney on the daily …. maybe their days are not the same as ours? Another interesting spiderweb there. We either help them thrive or we help them die. They in turn help us be stronger or weaker and more able to fight off the virus’s that could possible be invading our fleshy body.

These vaccines to this latest smart bug are targeting the RNA – the part of the 10% …. What if the concept changed and we were more cognizant of the 90% and we targeted THEM to be in charge of removing this invader… we supply weapons to the “home grown” and let them take care of us…. as they have always/often done. When you eat something bad, or when your body is subjected to something “not good” its not really your DNA that goes in to fight off the bug…. Its the signals you send, that call in the troops to battle that invasion….. why not just support them better to help them be stronger to be better prepared to handle these invasions. I’m not smart enough to answer this question or thought.

Last year, before the election even started – all though there is an argument that it started more like 4 years ago after the last one was won…. and that everything accomplished or done over the past 4 years has been nothing more than driving to this point. I made a comment that it wasn’t about the person, it was about “whom” was trusted to protect your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness.

There is was no doubt in my mind that this wasn’t 45 at the time, when I made this comment. There is extreme sadness in my heart over the people I have always considered wise, to be unable to see that not only is MY life, MY liberty and MY pursuit of happiness unable to be protected by a mad man, but our society as a whole is not only being undermined – he is directly impacting the lives, liberty and pursuit of happiness of those I care about, and need protected – all in the name of some financial socialist objective that will become clearer in years from mow. I never expected to see a second Hitler in my lifetime. Now that has changed, and I’d like to see a different outcome than my grandfathers fought against another country to eliminate. There is no rational excuse or reasoning I will ever understand for inciting violence in defense of power, that is not the basis for our country, our country was founded on precisely the opposite of this concept. Power in defense of life, power in defense of liberty and power in defense of happiness — I suppose one humans vision of happiness could be to incite civil war.

Maybe we need to have the TSA protecting our government buildings – I remember two decades ago when I went to visit the capital building – how my nail clippers were confiscated at the detectors for the building. How in those two decades has security at our national buildings been so compromised? Oh wait, 45 is in charge of national security – he has an agenda for civil war clearly, I wonder if the other humans — the ones misguided into supporting him see him for the self serving individual he is…. The one that has declared bankruptcy more times than I have fingers, and is still given loans to start some other guaranteed to fail business endeavor. … but this is the man that has created the cult to follow him….. I think thats what you call a group of people who without rational thought to implications or intentions follow a leader blindly down a path paved with intentions into hell.

There is always the possibility that I’m wrong. There is always the possibility that my thoughts are short sided, or driven by a desire for equality and safety …. and above all preservation of my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. This is a year I’m sad to be an American. It doesn’t represent what has been fought for more than 200 years. I guess that’s what happens when we leave a failed business man selling us snake oil in charge of our highest office for four years. He will use his failed skills to destroy a nation.

I guess I’ve taken my “non political” views to a whole new level of opinionated. These are just thoughts that refuse to be silent in my head.

My hope that someone will take away his microphone and throw him out of our town, so I can go back to focusing on healing.

The things going on in my own body seem to be somewhat a reflection of this macrocosm of the country . More thoughts on this later when the picture of how it parallels becomes more clear.

It has been exceptionally hard to heal this week, but I’m still fighting, I’m still keeping my body whole – using the intelligence that lives within me and without me to work down to the cells and have a “come to life” conversation. Cancer is a mutation of the 10% — overall in my body its a small portion that I just need to straighten up and fly right.

The weather has turned exceptionally cold – we have a possibility this next week of snow – its so rare as to have the little girl part of me jumping for joy. A friend mentioned she would send me snow angel pictures if it snowed. It made me laugh and smile at the thought, and I realized I don’t’ think I’ve ever made snow angels before…. maybe this is an experience I can take joy in …. if we get to be graced with snow.

Round Round get around

There is an old adage about history repeating itself – I’ve always felt a kinship to this adage, but I don’t recall in my life feeling so so close to it as I do now.

Because of all the online searches, and the nature of online hunting for things, I’m going to use a little subterfuge in this typing – but it will be pretty apparent what I’m saying.

There was a guy back in the 1930s that talked about nationalism. He spouted all kinds of good things that the people that were working hard wanted to hear. He had a vision, he had a plan. Mostly he wanted to be “praised and be on top” and to take care of what he saw as the problem, while making himself shine. He wrote a book about it.

Then there was a group of people that supported his vision, they shared “the same ethnicity” – they killed tons of people and insighted violence to reach their agenda. They used gangster and mob scare tactics all in the support of the national agenda to make their country great. They killed many many people that stood in the way of that agenda, in the name of them being “the bad guys”.

It was a horrendous time in history. Their entire country and the entire regime is something used to frighten school children with the woes of a man on a mission that is self serving.

We have a man now in our country that is this same way. He has a plan, he has a vision, he is insighting people by the nature of nationalism. While its respectively in its infancy, his supporters are unsurprisingly of a unified ethnicity. They are already killing and promoting mob tactics.

It was such a scary and horrendous period of history, its hard to believe it would manifest again in such a direct parallel. Yesterday was hard.

In my life, I feel there have been very few days where I was sad to be an american. Yesterday I was embarrassed, angry, and incredible sad to be an american. It was a day of watching history unfold before my eyes in a striking parallel that is undeniable.

I remember thinking, when I was young, and I learned about the events from the time period of the former bad guy, and thinking – not during my lifetime – that I would be a superwoman, that I would stand up to his tyranny — that I would NEVER let that happen.

I remember thinking yesterday how powerless I felt, how I felt unable to do or say anything about it. How all the citizens that were not part of the gangster mob must have felt during those times, during the 30s.

I wish I had a solution. Its very troubling.

There is another thing that is troubling to me – these “new” vaccines – that everyone is rushing to get as fast as they can…..

The circumstances of the past year …. and this new “treatment” are basically the opening cut scene storyline of about 5-6 zombie storylines verbatim of games I’ve played. There is some horrible pandemic, some giant medical corporation rushes to “save” the world… and ends up creating a mass death and tragedy that brings about the zombie apocalypses. And then you enter the game, and you run thru cities, hospitals and clinics where zombies have taken over to “save the world” by eliminating the vaccine. ….. So yeah, I’m a little nervous about the vaccine.

Overall, life is the weirdest, chaotic, and odd that it has been in decades. However, its beautiful. My great aunt sent me a holiday card, which arrived late yesterday – with the most adorable puppies gracing both the front and the inside. She wrote a hand written message inside the card. She is an incredible woman, and this was a heartfelt wish for an incredible year.

There are things that are important. Hugs, love, reaching out to help a friend with something. These go on even when the world is in a state.

Yesterday, I got to have conversations with a couple of my “non american” friends…. trying to explain conditions is not possible, there just isn’t an explanation that makes sense to me – so trying to rationalize for someone else not so intimately touched is just not reasonable.

I made Chai. I cooked jalapeno poppers. I gamed. I breathed, I hugged P and Starbuck. I found things to laugh about and….

In the words of the great Scarlett O’hara – …. Tomorrow is another day.

On the stove

Yesterday I slept for twelve hours, and it was glorious. The only downside for sleeping so long, is the fact that the day is shorter, and going to bed at your normal time feels too early. Because of this, we stayed up a wee bit later, and so this morning I am suffering, a tad for less sleep. I could go back to bed, I could take a nap, but then this getting out of routine would slide further and further away from me – and the routine of sleep is important right now.

P has been cooking up a storm – we had the most amazing sautéed cabbage last night – this is something he has gotten to cooking on the regular and its so so yummy. Just a little butter, onions, salt and pepper and it makes the most delicious dish.

Today I’m supposed to make chai and cook his poppers – and I’m find myself bogged down with sleepy and the cedar trees coming to invade my sinus’s…. Every year here in Texas there is this time, when the cedars decide to “come play” with the air…. and my sinus’s call “uncle” they are out….. Its the best time of year for travel….

I think I have decided that we are staying in this house, just gotta do some of the projects here that will make it be more perfect for us. Its a slow and steady project. It will require getting plans drawn up, and finding “that right” contractor … we have had a couple of “not the one” guys in the past, and our projects haven’t exactly turned out as intended.

This week, I intentionally have three days “off” from all doc appts, and it feels glorious to be able to just chill and relax. There are so many obligations in my dance card. Had a little bit of a “thing” after my chiro appt on monday, sufficed to say that one will be off the list for a bit. While its helpful, three confirmations to put it on hold are enough for me to fully listen.

Had a thing happen in my game last night that just made me crushing sad. Was doing a new dungeon, that I had queued to do with strangers for twenty minutes. I got lost, and the rest of the “team” had done this dungeon many times before, so rather than help me get “found” they chose to “boot me” from the dungeon. Was the first time that has happened in years, and it felt … well very bad. But friend to the rescue, when I mentioned it to a friend, he immediately put us in the queue again, and took me on an escorted tour of this new dungeon…. protecting me from a repeat experience again. Life is better with friends. Particularly ones that understand the drama that is your life, and circumstances. It was a hugely positive thing, and helped return me to some semblance of great. While I know I shouldn’t take these things so harshly, its hard to have “been” in one place, and now to “be” in another…. I’m learning.

Have had alot of revelation type talks with P lately … realizing that feeling I get when I make chai or when I bake…. its not exactly comfort but its some feeling of being closer to my Grandmother A… whenever I visited her… and probably in my entire life was less than 15 times. I would always get that feeling of being safe, of being loved, of being cared for…. and she would always be cooking something in the kitchen. This feeling, culmination was the revelation from last night, that my nostalgia for those experiences is what I feel when I cook.

Here is hoping that 2021 is filled with so many fabulous experiences, and so many things to build incredible memories that it shines bright in this decade of gratitude. I’m grateful for having a new year to experience, and having my life filled with incredible people.

New Year, New thoughts, clearing

So I had my first nightmare of the new year – I don’t’ know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it is definitely a thing – waking up at 1:30 from a weird dream. Definitely a case of what you ask for you get … I’ve been asking for the source of certain patterns in my life – and I am fairly certain this showed me where they have originated.

We got to do some family gaming – using remote software to its fullest last evening. Was so great to be able to see and play with everyone from a distance safe environment. This was a more comfortable thing for some than others, but it was just super fun all the way around. Didn’t realize how much I was missing this family time.

The clouds this morning – when P and I went out for our morning routine – it was this amazingly blue sky with a tinge of grey…. but over the course of our drive, it looked almost as if the universe had pulled up this blanket of grey rain clouds over the blue. By the time we reached back home, the entire sky was suddenly all grey and rainy looking ominous for a day of rain just like yesterday.

Lake McNeely in our backyard is growing beyond the boundaries as usual this time of year. Starbuck decided to go “play” in this lake yesterday – until he realized it was in the 30s and he was freezing. Time to schedule his next grooming appt, also it was rather interesting to see him enjoy being dried hurriedly with the towel, he was quite appreciative. He was also surprisingly calm during the multitude of fireworks action last evening – barking at first through the first slow random intervals, and then it was as if he suddenly realized what all the racket was about, and it was authorized. Dogs are amusing in some things.

I wore a jacket today that I haven’t worn in a few years – its one of my things that I feel clothes should be worn – if they don’t get into the rotation probably they belong to someone else and I just haven’t set them free yet. So I wore this jacket, and it was so neat, it has a really cool flair to it that is very flattering, mostly I wore this one thru necessity – getting distracted from finishing my laundry yesterday where I washed, but failed to remember to dry my normal hoodie – because it got soaking wet when I decided it was paramount to walk up the mailbox, and the rain decided to laugh at me halfway thru my journey.

P mentioned to me about a lady complaining on our community blog areas about someone “farting” in her mail box…. My first thought about this was “how does she have a mailbox” … we have had a community “mail kiosk thing” the entire time in this house – close to 20 years, and I’d really pay money to have a standalone “real” mailbox. Like Post office, please put a mailbox at my house, and stop my mail carrier from deciding to send me to the real post office every few weeks, because they can’t cram anymore advertisements into the box….

So its a new year. When I reflect back, last year was … well it was tremendously chaotic, however it was also extremely educational. I learned so much, as did most all of the folks around me. It has been one of the most educational years for so many people in my circles in decades. While not all education has been pleasant, the positives very much out weigh the negatives, so overall it was a “good” year. Here is hoping that 2021 is a tad less chaotic but just as good as the last.

There are these new vaccines for this invader, and I’m really on the fence about them. They have been pushed thru with so so little indepth review, its really hard to say if they will be nearly as good as they indicate. My chemo, the one I’ve been taking for more than a year – it was in R&D for more than 15 months. But these two new vaccines, they have had less than a few months to be developed, and tested…. and it scares the begesus out of me to be surrounded by people that have taken them. It seems like alot of the opening scenes of the zombie games or movies I’ve seen. “there is this virus…. then a vaccine…. then the zombie apocalypse” …. I just don’t know. One thing is for certain, I’ll need to go fetch a shot gun if it turns out its the zombie apocalypse.

So many things to explore, so many things to learn, so many things to hope for and do…… a whole new year to explore them. Blessings here there and everywhere, and so many things to be thankful for… thank you universe for giving me an amazing year and an amazing group of people with whom to share it.

Traditions

There was a musical my step mother introduced me to years and years ago, “Fiddler on the Roof” … it gave me an introduction to what life could be like for others, and it had so many great actors and music in it.

One of the greatest take aways I took from this movie was the song “Traditions” …. For all the things we are so so unique, and different, we are also so so alike.

A tradition I have for the end of the year – in looking briefly back, I prepare for the new year by starting a new playlist of songs…. for the past many years I’ve been using Spotify for this purpose – I create a new playlist that will be my “start to the new year”

The tradition looks like this: I play all of the old years of songs, and listen and reflect on lessons I’ve learned thru the songs and think of the places and people I interacted with during those times, and the growth I’ve had.

This year is no exception, I had a 2020 playlist that I started the end of Dec last year, and it grew – but I also started a second play list after the early times in the year seeming to be super chaotic – I needed a forceful reminder direction in my songs – so I started a stronger play list – both of which have served for my growth and development this year.

Now its time for a 2021 playlist. There are so so many thoughts rumbling around in my head for directions. This too will be a challenging year, perhaps not quite as much of extremes as this one past, but different things this year, as each one is – I am looking forward to seeing what it has, and my playlist always reflects this – atleast at the beginning, as the year progresses, and I add more songs of the “moment” it changes, and the dynamic between the songs is reflected.

Have talked with alot of old friends recently. Its very odd to consider that I am the age of my grandparents when I was born. This coupled with the new niece born this year – yes she is adorable, and I have work to do for her.

Had chemo last week, and I have encouraged the doctors to make my individual cycle 4 weeks vs the protocol of 3 – this is to allow my body a tad more time to heal and detox after each – but also because each treatment really takes me completely down and out for a solid week. On the plus side, its seeming without infection or other circumstances, that its ONLY a week. This is not pleasant, but it IS something I’m willing to come to terms with as doable. I can be in a very unpleasant place for a week, in order to have 3 weeks worth of incredible life.

Connected with some old friends over the past few weeks – the nature of the holidays and the end of the year – we think about wonderful past experiences, and we want to hold on tightly to those people we shared those with …. Thank you friends and family – Love all of you and I have enjoyed all the life we have embraced, danced, and rocked. Here is to many many more of those times.

There are a couple of stories rolling around in my head and thru my dreams,’ I’ve started drafting some of them in blog, but they are so disjointed right now – partially because of head things, and partially because the stories are healing stories in my dreams. In the past, some stories have come to embrace me and fill my heart only to be shattered at my unworkingness to document them out. This won’t be the case anymore, but I’m struggling with “other” challenges these days, that I will face with grace, poise and strong will.

Its an amazing thing to me to watch P grow and evolve. I’m still trying to persuade him to do the PHD program – he is slightly resistant…. It is something he has always “wanted” to do, and I’m just perpetually leaving breadcrumbs.

Its a blessed time of year for so many reasons, I’m blessed to have so many loved ones, friends, and family to share it with both physically and remotely. The technology of this day and age is fantastic, the ability to pick up a small device and see the world from a totally different place hours and hours away is more than remarkable, its a godsend, that I am extremely grateful for…. if I can’t travel to be close to the people I love, at least I can share time and thoughts with them in a virtual world in which we both can thrive. Thank you universe for all our advancements.

I am both grateful and cringing at all the health things I know are coming for me in 2021. Its going to be a year of rule slapping on the back of the wrist, but its also going to be a year of amazing incredible things. I’m looking forward to being here bright and happy to experience both. May this coming new year be one of prosperity and growth for all of the people in my life.

These dreams

I think Heart said it best when they sang: “These dreams go on when I close my eyes”

So I mentioned to P yesterday that its actually pretty common in my “healing” work to have some crazy dream occur in my sleep. When I look back at the particular fantasy world or the objective in the dream i was reaching to, its always health – even if sometimes the story is crazy mad.

In my returning to WOW (Worlds of Warcraft a MMORP – Massive Multiple Online RolePlayer Game) many of my dreams have been about a particular dungeon in this world. Its a bit of a “time saver” when I can use someone elses fantasy world lol – IDK if time saver is the right word, but it definitely is somewhat helpful for those times when nature wakes me and I try to return to sleep. Ive also found for whatever reason – probably not as positive one – that nature doesn’t wake me as often or as frequently when I’m using their world – probably something to do with being “more” disconnected from my body, rather than “just don’t have to go” — but maybe I’m just seeing this from an overly critical side.

I’m enjoying my time gaming again – it feels “normal” so much in life right now feels snafu (situation normal all F@d up) but gaming feels… well even the unpleasantness within feels like “thats just the way it is” there is some recognizable pattern that is easy to flow back into for me. I suppose any type of routine would be like this – some more some less constructive – but this is mine. Or the one I’ve had for 15+ years.

Its been interesting to watch many of my friends grow into family people – getting married, having babies, having the babies grow into young people… and watching them struggle with whether to let them game. – It really is a reflection/alternative reality.

I got my sister and mum introduced to a game this year – Animal Crossing – they are both still regularly enjoying it – I play “ever once in a while” but mostly its not all encompassing enough for me.

I greatly enjoy the aspect of gaming that it pulls you in; to the elimination of all things. That is… until I realize I have missed some precious moment IRL that due to the all encompassing nature of, I didn’t’ realize was passing. C came over, I was in the middle of “things” — “things in the game” tend to go on and on and on… its other players your with, so they want to “press here” …”press here” … for hours. I realized he came over, and I heard him and P talking on the back porch. It wasn’t until much later in the evening that it “struck me” that I had missed out on spending time with him at all – he left while I was still doing “my thing” …. and while this was “not the end of the world” … for either point. It was a point where I somewhat missed out on something I’ve been looking forward to IRL for a few weeks. I care a great deal about C and his family, he did get to spend time with his brother without me interjecting, which is also nice, but it might have been nice to get to catch up some with him. They have been social isolating to the extreme – which is both good and sad for me from the selfish perspective. They are safe, I can’t really ask for more, but I do — lol I guess its human nature to always want more. I am very happy they are safe.

Had chemo yesterday. Its the first time that I can remember in a long long year, that I had the chemo WITHOUT an infection or antibiotics to muck up assessment of how it hits me. I’m very tired. got alot of sleep last night, alot of good quality rest – well until my water bottle decided to go flying off my night stand into the abyss beside my bed, releasing its wet goodness all over the cables and side of the bed – it was only 20ish ounces it let out. it was fairly easy to get back to sleep and the beauty of P being on vacation is that he had Starbuck on the quiet side allowing for the much needed rest. We will see if the sleep fades away in a couple days as expected, and maybe I’ll start the year with a bang, or at least more energy than I’ve been having.

Here is to hoping for more blessings in 2021.

Gratitudes abound, my mum got to spend the weekend with my new niece and she was so so happy, the pictures of her – this brought such a beauty and youth to her face. This year has all of my siblings successful and happy. I’ve gotten to reconnect with P and we are able to talk thru things that have for the rest of our marriage been put on a holding pattern. Life is good.

Where in the world is Carmen Santiago

Was talking about the past few years and travel with P today.

Travel has always been one of those things “Id like to do more of this” for me. Was realizing that in the past decade I have taken ALOT of trips, but particularly in the past five years (16+) , and especially in the past 3 even excluding this year (7+), This is alot of travel.

I remember years ago talking to Phil about the idea that my favorite job would have me traveling frequently maybe not once a month but once a quarter, and without even realizing it – I’ve been doing that.

Maybe the trips are not what I envisioned, maybe they are alittle more domestic, a little more family than I had conceived – maybe they were also a little less financially producing than financially expenditure, but still what I wished and asked and envisioned – these things came to pass for me.

Right now, I’m envisioning a body that is whole and able to continue to do this, a world that will enable it vs restrict it, and conditions financially that allow me to do this at a marketable rate, vs having to fit the bill for all of it from my resources.

As a firm believer in the fact of what you put out into the universe is what the universe knows that you want when its time to “provide” those things to you…. and as Time is an illusion – its always time to provide those things to you.

Right now, its “time” for me to be past the learning of cancer. It has provided me with the knowledge I need. I’m still working to master these lessons; however they are all done schooling me, and its time to move to the next phase.

There will be trips “soon” as a relative word for time – to San Francisco to walk across the golden gate bridge so I can see the perspective of the world from that level and sort of throw my energy out into the ethers from there, and feel it travel around and thru the water from that height as well as enjoying the walking adventure across the bridge. It will also be a trip to bond with people I care about.

There will be a trip to Australia – I’m loosely planning this for my 50th – which is a few years away – while I know it will be a “longer” trip, as there are so so many things I want to see and experience, and it will probably include a jant to New Zealand as well, since its far enough away that the travel experience should include many many things on that side of the world.

Hopefully there will be a trip to Indonesia, this one is a little more sketch since I need to be significantly physical more able for this trip – alot of the temples and places I want to experience and explore require significant physical activity and endurance to reach. I will also need a traveling companion that desires this experience, can afford this experience, and is physically capable of dealing with the pressers themselves, as well as possible assisting me.

Many many trips, including possible back to Hawaii, possible Alaska, likely Seattle, Spokane, Oregon, and possible a few other States side locations. Maybe Italy, maybe Greece – so many places I wish to experience, cultures to explore …. I’m very open to the list of places my sister has defined as “cherry blossom trips” …. While not my own personal calling of places, it is for her, and I enjoy traveling with her.

It will be an interesting decade to be certain – just gotta get thru these first few years, and plan it out for maximum exploration.

I am grateful for all these possibilities, and my continued healing and growth. I am blessed to have so many people supporting me on this journey and enjoying the ride along the way. Lets all grow and explore together.

Sometimes your tail is missing and sometimes the gophers are in the carrots

Learning is not easy. Taking that word apart, it has an “ear” it has a “lean” it has an “an” a “ring” a “lear” it has so many parts to the whole, it makes sense that mastering it or the lesson would be equally difficult.

Perpetually I’m surprised by the human spirit. Both the quick and selfish aspects, as well as the Strong and perseverance. We were out driving from one place to the next the other day, and there were so so many near miss incidents. People have patience like that candle that is your favorite that is really to low to keep burning. A car pulled out and cut across three lanes of traffic to slam on breaks right in front of us; when there was no traffic behind us for days. Then there was the vehicle that swerved thru three lanes playing frogger with the trucks there, only to rush up to the light ahead with no gain acquired, and no time gained.

These encounters remind me I’m not alone in my struggles to learn, they are abject examples of other people also on this path to wisdom and enlightenment at a place I’ve already encountered; while I’d like to think I’ve mastered it – its probably alot more accurate to say I’ve found the wisdom in the error of my ways…. Patience is like a vegetable garden, it needs perpetual maintenance and time.

I’ve had some very good days lately – days where I woke empowered and happy – ready to take on the world. Its not right to say I felt like the old Alethia, because she is a past time, and I am happy to be able to say that while there are aspects of her I miss; overall the growth has shown me that the new Alethia is right for me at this time. I have also had some struggle days – calling them bad seems a bit short sighted; because I still woke up, and had a beautiful amazing day filled with surprises and blessings to explore and enjoy. — Instead I am choosing to call them the lesser days.

The days where I struggle a bit to find that energy to “do” the thing I want to do.

Yesterday I had a friend help me with a “something” I was really hoping to do. It was a silly little thing, but man, finishing it so so amazing. Its like the feeling of soaring thru the sky at the speed of light. Being able to mark that checkmark – no matter how big, small, significant or insignificant the want is …. it still feels pretty good. I’m learning to embrace the fact that its okay – and necessary – to be able to “not” mark the checkmark all the time. That times will come again to mark it, and having a thing to check off, and being able to be disappointed are a good marker that I’m still learning.

The ability to embrace the struggle experiences, hug myself, seek a hug and realize … Even though its not the perfect thing, its still a thing, I’m part of it, and it is good.

P and I were talking and we were discussing the fact that these days it feels like we get SOOOOO much more done than we had in previous times, previous days a year or two ago. So many past days where the joy and celebration of completion wasn’t there. Life is being savoured, life is being enjoyed. Overall I’m thriving.