Turn turn turn

So I had a birthday yesterday – and it like everything in the world right now was fraught with incredible highs and incredible lows. The advantage of being in my “middle years” is recognizing that this is the balance of living in the chaos.

I could chose to “not” live in the chaos, but I’ve found atleast in my life and experiences that while this is ridiculously boring and monotonous, the balance is not particularly any more pleasant here just less extreme – like you still have just as many bad and neutral encounters, you just miss out on so so many of the sheer bliss ones – because they don’t balance with what and where you are currently residing.

I’ve also seemed to find that healing lives in the chaos. Or atleast the healing I am using to keep myself alive. I have plans. Alive is the only way that these come to fruition, so they are sorta a requirement that is so baseline as to be neutral. “Step one: Alive Step two: Step three Fruition/profit” == going to take a transliteration from the underpants gnomes and live my best life, with a plan in mind.

This weekend will be my S’mores party. So so looking forward to this!! P made me a test run one last night, and we have decided Double Stuffed smores are only for the marshemello inclined – also seem to need to cook less – it was such a great gesture, and made me smile.

Flowers came yesterday and its so amazing how pretty it brightens up the space – my rose bushes in the front reminded me that the cold didn’t bother them too much – still crossing fingers on the rosemary.

Overall, life is good.

Wake up little susie

Woke up at 4:15 and forced myself to try and sleep or atleast “rest” until 7 when I fell promptly back to sleep – now I’m groggy – feels like the whole world is a fish tank, just keep swimming just keep swimming.

Had my left over birthday breakfast today – it was just as good on day 2.

Its a glorious start to a new week of happy surprises. I’m going for scans – and while I’m (as usual) apprehensive, I am honestly believing these will be great, the report card will be stellar and I go move on to other things of healing.

My body feels the almost 50 years its been around right now, and its time to start pushing to help it feel younger again.

While I know that plans for my birthday do not exactly coexist equivocally with this, its like the rest of life – we will find the balance and carry on.

Had an interesting conversation with P last night about gifts and learned things – we shared and lament and reminisced – I rubbed his feet, a good time was had by all.

I was so excited when G was so willing to help me put together my birthday pooh lego set, it so so rocks. P has been really getting into his 3d printer too and was able to print some figures – he is going to try for the legos next and I’m so excited to see how they turn out.

Some of the things of technology are just so so interesting, while it feels like they are moving so much slower than before, its still a wonder to me the pace at which they are progressing. Life and minds are progressing at lightening speed, but tech is just swimming to keep up.

Life is good.

When you don’t learn it the first time…

Don’t be afraid because the universe is certain to provide you with other opportunities to learn it.

Had chemo this week, and its the time of lots and lots of rest.

Have a birthday this week upcoming, as well as all my scans for new tests.

There are some people in my life with odd things, that its time for them to move to outer circles. This is a growing thing, I feel that life teaches you these things to show you whats important.

A, C and my favorite nephew brought me a birthday breakfast care package today and it was amazing, it was so well planned and excecuted I felt like it was room service at some swanky hotel – it had yogurt with all the fixings, fresh juice and pumpkin pancakes with bacon and eggs – it even had a personally decorated delivery package that I will cherish with fond fond memories.

These are the amazing people in my life, who treat me like a princess even when I’m having day looking for the pea in the mattresses – sleep beckons.

The doctor got me some support for this “thing” in my belly button that refuses to get with the program and fly right – reminds me of an old song by nat king cole – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fVaP6dM1fs First got turned on to so many amazing and boppy tunes by my grandmother – it was a “thing” …. of fond and learning memories from a young time in my life.

Even then the universe provided me with a repeat button on things I need to know – to be a better person – to be a stronger and more intuitive person – to know that putting myself first is paramount. Its really the only way to be alive – you can’t possible help anyone else effectively if your not taking care of you first.

Conditions in our world have given me so much pause lately – my head is spinning with so many thoughts – but today was not that day, it was a day of having people that I love pamper me.

Thank you life for helping me understand.

Dancing the funky chicken

and other things that just make you laugh…..

Last night, P and I were doing our wind down time – this is something that has been a product – healthy beneficial product of the pandemic- — go go forced isolation and making the best of it! — to laughing hysterically.

There are just so so many good things in our lives. We were quoting memes – well before there was an internet there were memes in a different variety – and its so amazing to be of an age to recognize and be able to have these — I mean I love having so many varied “ways of society” in my life / history – from before the internet when things were more laid back and significantly less “rush rush rush” —- to the days of the first cassettes, to the days of the first discs, to the days of the first pagers, cell phones, to the first smart phones… to the first ipads, to the evolution of push the button like a pez dispenser for “give give give me more more more” …. and its amazing to me, how this progress is…

Was talking to my therapist about imaging’s I had recently about what it would have been like to live in the days when Edison was inventing the “light bulb” — when Electricity wasn’t a thing – …. its very hard to fathom but my tools of the expontial evolution of society provide a bread crumb trail of what it must have been like for those folks who first “saw the light bulb” and were aghast. I mean we …. take it for granted, you flip the switch and the power magically makes light generate — or in our case, you vocalize to Alexa “please turn on the lights” and magically they appear. Harry Potter step down chief, Alexa Is all that and a bag of chips — when she has internet and isn’t busy doing other things — spiderweb for another day.

The ridiculous of our memes are things like Terminator quotes, Goonies quotes – or the one that got us seriously started last night, Ming the merciless — We also quote song lyrics randomly – its so nice to be within a few years so we have the similar societal upbringing – and we have a shared of over 20 year background of joy to also reference.

We were talking about my favorite Nephew last night; and I suddenly realized the reason he is my favorite is of all my nieces or nephews — of all the other peeps in my life – he is the one that is most like P. He has so so many of the best aspects of the traits of P inside, without any of the tarnish of “life and growing up” stenciled into lead them a particular way.

Life is so full of amazing and unexpected surprises – so many of them are just incredible and its so great to be able to experience them.

Life is good.

The skills that we learn

There are alot of thoughts running thru my head right now.

Had some really good conversations lately with P & then R about mad skilz.

Had a revelation about the fact that “cells listen”

This has been a challenging year – and in my opinion one of the greatest things is that people are realizing that emotional and mental health are just as important as physical health. So many people do not have tools for dealing with time alone with themselves.

This seems like such a no brainer thing for me – but then its probably why I was so so resistant to going to a therapist for so long – sure I have very well developed skills for self analysis and self actualization – why do I need to pay someone else to do this… and how can they possible be half as good as me at doing me.

Going to therapy for these past two years – I have learned the value of having someone else with no agenda to listen and suggest. I have learned the value of another opinion, that I trust but that can only see the perspective from an outside observer. I’ve also learned the value of a PHd thru my therapist – not all folks of any career are “great” just because they got a degree doesn’t mean they gained the learning that went along with it – it just means they preserved, and as well know a 70 got the same degree as a 90.

There is a skill set for “being able to deal with yourself” — that just isn’t one you get without working on it. There have been alot of times I’ve spent working on this skill. Even before the dreaded C – I’ve learned, I’ve evolved, and hopefully I’ve become a better stronger person.

The revelation was about – well I’ve read and heard alot of folks talk in the past year about how our cells are “smart” — heck the new virus’s even take our cells to “school” much the same way that the immunotherapies have for a few years – teaching the cells “what to look for, how to recognize, and what to do about it” …. Our smart cells, like us. They like and believe what we think – but more importantly especially what we say. They like and believe our voice.

I was realizing as I was verbalizing the fact that its time for me to have clear scans. I could feel my cells light up in relief and happiness. I know, that I’m still working on the Big C – so it might not be the beautiful scan right now. But I believe, it is possible, its time and I can have clear scans.

So the revelation was – wow I need to speak this more often – because my cells are listening and I want them to light up in joy more.

It has been a really good day of getting to see my new baby niece, hanging with my brother, of getting acupuncture to support my healing.

I am very grateful for the people in my life that just send me random sunshine and fill up my vessel with joy and hope.

Life is good.

I feel good you know that I would now

This song is playing in my head right now – I ran across a really good vlog by some of my favorite vloggers (video blog) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNH7qzyuT4M

Its such a great thing to show some of the rabbit trails or bread crumbs that lead from stellar old style record recorded music, to new style music – the brain is an incredible thing and inspiration comes from so many places.

I do find it pretty interesting that the ones he references are sorta an odd thing – because if the “rewritten” songs were of white men, they would have been credited differently – insipid/hidden racism in another hidden place.

Music has always been this zen of a thing that can bring my body and cells into harmony in a magical way – I think this is much due to my childhood of music doing this to me at such a young age – while everything else was chaotic and in flux, the music was the constant.

Many times when I try to convey a thought or idea, a song will come to mind that basically represents the feelings that are attached with the thought or idea – not necessarily exact, but usually close enough for government work.

Thats an interesting expression too because it rather implies a truth that is societally known that “government work” isn’t always the best possible example of what can be — and this is kinda a well case in point for the fact that maybe we need a different one.

P told me about the senate hearings and I was … well its a good time to remind people that this is the beginning phases still of a pandemic – meaning a global emergency of health….. thoughts or feelings of personal freedom should be a bit more hobbled in the midst of protecting humanity as a whole…. Particularly when the actions are just a little bit aggressive personal protection. Wash hands more, social distance more, wear mask more…. sorta easy no brainer things…. Things “could” get worse, where we had to go thru biohazard tents on the regular or where we had to “consume things” to protect us on the regular…. These are the happy go lucky “easy” things….. Think does it really hurt me? If the answer is no, probably should just do it and STFU — its like seat belts – sure it was a damn sight of a infringement on “personal freedom” — but personal protection was “mandated” — wear your belt or else!

Its like the old adage that you can’t teach stupid – you can teach ignorance, if its willing and wanting to learn – but you can’t teach stupid. Sad to me that so many of the people elected to “represent us” are stupid. I’m sorry but not listening to the sound advice of a scientist that is actively studying a disease is … well stupid. Its like saying “come tell me what to do” … and then saying “no I don’t want to do what you say” …

Crazy times we live in. But then 🙂 we are alive to appreciate them.

Got a gift/present yesterday of a super cool backpack that was donated to the patients at center I go for treatments – it was so thoughtfully put together and has some really neat items to help you “feel better” while your doing icky things. Thoughtful people to build these, and really fun things.

So many blessings all over my world – so thankful for the people in my life that have gotten and are getting the vaccines this week. So hopeful that the other precious people in my life will be vaccinated soon.

Thank you universe for filling me with hope, inspiration and above all happiness. I am grateful for each ray of sun I am able to experience, and for each bright thing that fills my days.

Life is good.

Hope springs eternal

This is a day of hope for me. I didn’t realize how much I was worried about a few things that suddenly just went right with the universe.

I feel empowered, haven’t felt that way in a bit – it helps that doc saw belly button and says “Oh it looks normal” …. Yeah team!!

Also curious call from infusion nurse asking me “does enhertu chemo cause hair loss?” … apparently I was only patient taking it, and now there is a second lady that starts this week – and I’m like …. “yeah, there are so many things in my case, however I’d be inclined to believe/think, that while it doesn’t cause “hair loss” it does cause hair thinning” — I mean I’ve been on this drug for over a year – and I still have hair – but its hard to say if the thinning is from the other medcines I’m taking or from this chemo.

Go figure, thin hair is the last of my concerns.

Had another friend that never cuts his hair mentioned he got his hair cut, and now he has perpetual bed head – we can be twins lol – I will say perpetual bed head is how I feel – its super thin but more concerning is its propensity towards being anima – I feel I’ll need to adopt an anima expression soon.

Funny thing happened while I was cooking P’s weekly jalapeno poppers. I have to be careful usually when I cut the jalapenos – which I did — however, this time one of the seeds some how ended up with alot of the oil up my nose – I’ve never had a seed up my nose, but when I blew out the nose from the oil being so so potent – there it was…. apparently I decided my lungs were a good place to grow jalapenos! — I’ll share my lungs with nightshade plants!

Well, as you can imagine it was a long time to get the oil/heat gone, I had a tear fest that lingered for hours.

On the plus side the bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers turned out no worse for wear – in fact they turned out super yummy – apparently Costco is the bacon place from now on.

Last night we were talking, and I offered to get P some peeps. They are hands down one of those “things” that he just loves. We were talking, and apparently the “chicks” are supposed to be ONLY yellow – and the bunnies ONLY pink…. all other peeps are suspect. Now here is hoping instacart knows the peep doctrine/rules.

The lady next door – I call her the crazy lady – maybe I’m just not comfortable with neighbors as a whole – cause I’ve never had ones I didn’t find ….. crazy, in one way or another – but she is cutting her lawn today, which its a little early in the season – but I was noticing we are growing “lettuce” of weeds right off our porch – I blame winter blizzard 2021 for this.

I’m thankful that the universe has gifted me with so so many blessings today – thank you thank you – I’m grateful for the people in my life that hung the moon and make life worth experiencing.

Got to see my nephew this weekend – he is growing so fast, his smile just brings sunshine to my life. It was an amazing visit.

I’m so glad life is allowing these things.

Life is good.

Rollin rollin rollin

No I’m not talking about the drug analogy – more the old west one if keep those wagons rollin – raw hide.

This day and age is just filled with so so so so many moments of brief chaos that force attention to something that really doesn’t matter but requires immediate attention. Luckily! I have been overwhelmingly blessed for all of these things to be super super small and innocuous – here is praying hard that while we must endure time in this chaos, that my struggles continue along this path . Thank you Universe!

Today was no exception – mom took me to appts for things, and we stopped to pick up lunch for P from his favorite burger joint – as I was carrying the bag back to the car and had the car door open – the bag split and the entire contents spilled all over the floor and seat.

Thank you for incredible customer service!! I walked back into the establishment and showed them the sad sad empty bag with the split on the bottom; they immediately asked for the name on the order, reprinted the ticket and remade the order. WOW! So so easy. They took time to make his food, I took time to clean up mom’s car – and we met in the middle – new food was all ready by the time the car was cleaned.

Of all of the millions of crossed wires possible in the midst of this, I’ll gladly enjoy taking my lumps in this form and be overly thank ful for stellar customer service, and overly grateful that was almost easier for this whole process / resolution as I had expected just the order to be. …. Go figure for exceeding expectations.

This is just one in a myriad of so so many its not worth giving name to them – but Together we get to be human, we get to find joy amongst unexpected un planned things – and we get to see people working to help people’s lives be better one meal at a time. Provided thank you feedback to Five guys for incredible staff.

Got to spend time with Mom which is always a treat, we found and explored a new way to get to my appts, and the best part was we found it ourselves! This is sometimes a challenge but we had extra time to explore today, and it turned out to be a huge win.

Wins all around. Life is good.

Prioritize! Prioritize

This has always been something, I’ve not only been good at, its something I’ve often felt that I was well strong suited for – the ability to take a plethora of things, and min/max them to what is most, and shuffling down importance scale – but there is more to this…

There is not just prioritizing but defining by priority – or rather, pondering and labeling something by its nature of when it must be done, and then incorporating it into the big priority list.

Thank god this is a skill I intimately understand – because right now, it allows me to see where I am and where I am going and move either continue to move along that path, or to slightly alter my surroundings, or method to facilitate a different course.

Right now, however, I’m having a struggle. Weather conditions are so so unpredictable as to make it difficult for my head and sinus. Its also that time of the year when all the trees, pollens, and molds try to bless us with their annual goodness. This makes for alot of discomfort for my head and sinus’s — this coupled with the medicines I’m taking, and the side effects they produce — as well as the Big C itself, and the damage from other treatments, as well as the “just me” in the particular day —- It has put my multitasking/prioritizing skill to the test for a few months, and I’m just tired.

I’m not a pop pill person – I’m actually quite the antithesis of this, having had my experience with the dangers of pills in the 20s — and the damage its quite capable of doing even to a 20 year old liver. I have avoided- much to my detriment – many of the “things” they have suggested to allow me to “feel better” because I know they come with a cost.

However, this all being said – I’m to the point where I’m ready to just put something in my mouth to help my head feel better…. the work of trying to determine the cause of the discomfort, and figure out what helps more than hurts my body is very tiring. The discomfort is very tiring, the prioritizing and multitasking is very tiring.

I don’t enjoy the unknown of trying to figure out if its a “thing” or if its a “thing” …. I just want to function, and to be able to have a higher quality of life. — This discomfort is greatly impacting my quality of life.

There are new tests – the end of April that will show “whats what” … and maybe this will help. Maybe I’ll just pick up a habit lol – I am very routine oriented so maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down.

Was dreaming about trips last night, and thinking about the fact that my grandparents – mostly having talked to my grandmother – they didn’t take very many out of town in my meaningful childhood or adult life – all of their time was doing “escapes” within town – driving to little places to enjoy the marrow of life. I recognize this feeling -but there is still a part of me unresolved to the idea of not getting a plane again and not flying thousands of miles away to enjoy some mystic anomaly of a different world.

Maybe conditions will shift for the better soon, and this will be a thing.

We can hope.

Life is good.

the Man

This expression has so many meanings for me, as a woman – woah man….

Lately, or right now specifically its indicitive of the same thing I’ve been considering recently – tech does NOT really often save us time. Today, perfect example….. we had “brown outs” …. meaning surges – just enough of a power surge to “break” the internet. Not turn things off, just break the internet – must be time to replace the router right?

About the time it would come back up — oh its time for another flash…. We have battery back ups ? Why is this happening? How is this even possible – oh wait Tech to support the tech from the electrical pulse…. hrmmmm — Oh wait, we didn’t have the “cable modem router” on back up….

Well we fixed that –0- but wait there is more! Time for cable people to be “fixing” something in our neighborhood and take everything out.

Yeah okay so what part of the tech is making my life so much easier?

I know I’m making a hasty generalization from the perspective of angst – I’m willing to own this …. but its kinda like the conversation P and I had recently about these wonderful “appliances” ….

The dishwasher for example — if you have to prewash the dishes — and then wash them, as well as load and unload them …. and dry them…. where exactly do you save time? Where do you save money too, because these things take alot of water and power to run. If it can’t do its “one job” of cleaning my dishes – its time to go buddy. You had one job.

We have talked a bit lately about the generational difference between folks – since many of the people P is working with now are “the new generation” …. this isn’t a judgement as good or bad, just a observational statement of the obvious.

He was explaining how to test a thing, how to dig in and go backwards to find the problem – rather than identifying a problem and throwing it over the fence, hoping someone else will fix it.

There is no one else to do your job. You have a purpose on this planet, there is a reason you are here, to love life – and even in these monetary driven times there is a purpose your being paid for, doing it to the best of your abilities is soul feeding. We need things to feed the soul more, it gets hungry.

I made a new playlist – somehow digging into holes I haven’t visited in a bit, helps me realize I’m still at the top, and still strong enough to dig.

Life is good.